Today is...

Today is "my favorite joke that nobody ever laughs at" day. Feel free to post your own.

Here is mine; it's a two-parter:

Why do ducks have webbed feet?
To stamp out forest fires.

Why do elephants have big, flat feet?
To stamp out flaming ducks.

I know, I know. You didn't laugh. ~insert disappointed sigh here~

You are the Fourth to Know

I have carefully considered your responses to my last post, regarding impending doom and destruction. Run out to meet it, or hang on to the bloody end? Well, yesterday I decided to run out and shake its clammy little hand, and it is now done.

I'm leaving my church.

For all you non-Christians out there, there are specific steps set forth in the Bible that a church must take to "discipline" one of its own. The powers that be at my church have decided that I am in need of such discipline. You see, my husband has the ear of the elders, and has managed to convince them that he has done absolutely everything, short of stopping the earth's rotation, to win me back, and that I'm just being obstinate and a generally crappy wife. In this particular case, "everything to win me back" includes spending 12+ hours on the Internet every day, using profanity non-stop, ignoring me, and cessation of personal hygiene. I know, I know - what a jewel.

So this week, to punish me, I was removed from my ministry positions in the church. The next step would be to be confronted by the elders, and then a vote to remove me from membership. After consideration, I've decided not to subject my children and my friends to this shame and to just voluntarily go. And so that's what I'm doing.

I know that God will judge between me and those who have spoken against me, and I'm not afraid of that day. In the meantime, I wish them well and hope that maybe at least one of them has learned something from this experience.

Now I'm in the market for a new church....I will keep you posted.

If I Am Talking, You Should Be Taking Notes

I am feeling prophetic today. I predict a life-altering event will fall upon me within the next 6 months. Life-altering, as in sucky. Yes, I know what said event is, I'm not just reading tea leaves here. But I don't really want to go into detail, what with me being so intensely private and having millions and millions of readers and all. Suffice it to say that I've been measured and found wanting, and the judgment will be meted out sooner rather than later.

I've known for about 4 months now that I would face this event. It is as inevitable as it is devastating. Some people will take a great deal of pleasure in witnessing my downfall. Some will stand behind me and try to prop me back up. Most won't give a right righteous fudge. Alas, I'm just a minor player in a major motion picture. But to me, insignificant as I am, it will be the end of life as I know it.

Sometimes I think about it and hyperventilate - sob - get all twitterpated. Sometimes I think about it and know that I am resigned to my fate even as I trudge forward, kinda like how I felt the day I tried out for the jr. high cheer squad. A herculean effort in the face of certain doom.

So what do you do, my little chickens, when faced with this type of situation? Do you rip the band-aid off and run out to meet your fate? Or do you live the best you can as long as you can, knowing that it's going to shatter, delaying change until absolutely necessary? This inquiring mind wants to know.

And don't fret over me, my friends. When it finally happens, you will be the 2nd to know.

Review #54 - Johnny Be Good (1988)

From our Netflix source: "Johnny Walker (Anthony Michael Hall) is a nice, normal teenage boy who happens to be a star football player -- such a star that he's got every college in America bucking to get him on their team. As he's lured and baited with a dizzying array of extracurricular temptations, can Johnny really be good -- and stay that way? Robert Downey Jr. co-stars."

I preface my review by going on the offense. Dearest reader, if you after reading this, you think I'm an uncultured pinhead, well - get your own blog. That being said - I didn't completely hate this movie. There...I said it. "My name is Tina, and I'm addicted to corny 80's movies." The appropriate response is, "Hi, Tina."

Okay, so Our Hero is freshly veneered and was pretty darned adorable, if I do say so myself. Uma Thurman, who really needed the number of RDJR's dentist, plays Anthony Michael Hall's girlfriend. She was annoying, clueless, eye-rolling, mouth-gaping. You know, your typical 17 year old girl. So I guess she was either really in character, or she was actually pretty close to 17.

The film could have been worse...trust me, we've seen worse over the past 6 months. (Anybody remember 'Hail Caesar'?) It was fun. The interaction between Our Hero and Hall is, well, great. Unfortunately said interaction was interspersed with some dorky content and, well, Uma.

---Momentary interruption--- Okay, people, I'm running out of adjectives to describe the performing arts. Let's see YOU try to be clever on your 54th review in 6 months, which you are writing at 10 a.m. on a Saturday after eating last night's leftover garlic fries. Geesh.

Back to business. I kinda feel sorry for Anthony Michael Hall, don't you? Didn't you just adore him in The Breakfast Club? "I'm in the Physics Club. We have a banquet every year and our parents come." Come to think of it, nobody from The Brat Pack really works much anymore, do they. I wonder where Anthony Michael Hall is today...I sense a Google coming on.

Anyhow - I'm going with a 5.5 on this one.

This is a holiday weekend. Enjoy yourselves, my little chickens, and dream tonight of obscure movies and witticisms crafted for you by a chocolate-haired beauty with dancing blue eyes. And make sure I have on a nice dress, I've always wanted to own a really nice dress.