Ahh...the sun is out, the birds are singing, notes of Handel float on the air here in my little room...all is right with the world.
I took the day off from work and am blissfully engaged in almost no activity whatsoever. I've worked every day since July 31st, and Mama is tired. So I took a vacation day today and slept in. Made the pilgrimage to Wally World to buy a vacuum cleaner belt. Bought sundry other items and forgot the belt...darn, Mama can't vacuum on her day off.
So, I bring you...
TINA'S BIG GOALS FOR HER DAY OFF
1. Brush teeth. (check.)
2. Wash car. (check.)
3. Move Tav's dresser downstairs so that I can go through his clothes and do the "back to school sort job." Let's face it, chickens, he's 11 and he won't do it...so why should I have to go upstairs to do a chore? Dresser, therefore, must move to Mohammad.
4. Write blog post. (pending.)
5. Watch either (a) a lousy RDJR movie from the late 80's/early 90's or (b) another episode of Ally McBeal from the RDJR season.
That's pretty much it. I've already managed to perform all necessary personal hygiene, go to Wally World, wash my car, check the mail, and drink a latte', and it's only 11:56 a.m. Come to think of it - it's entirely possible that I've already done enough for the day. What do you think?
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Saturday, August 21, 2010
Review #59 - Rented Lips (1987)
Before I start my in-depth analysis, I have a little anecdotal side note for you.
As of the end of this week, I am in possession of 3 "new" (to me) VHS tapes of RDJR movies. As each arrived in the mail, I looked at the cover, read the back, and threw up a little in my mouth. I knew better than to save the sludge until the end. But, alas, I was lulled into complacency by the convenience of Netflix. Now I pay the price in film lover's purgatory of dvd non-releases from the 80's.
Anyhow, I also recently subscribed to Vogue, and they sent me this little canvas tote bag as a thank you. How nice. Just what every American woman needs, another free tote bag. I tossed it under my desk, and as each of these cinematic wonders arrived, I stuck it in the bag. I then decided to name the bag. I came up with these:
1. The Barf Bag
2. Bag of Horrors
3. Icky Bag
4. Satchel from Hell
So, after you read our review, please cast your vote as to the official bag name, or come up with one of your own.
Anyhow, there's work to be done. Here's what the back of the box had to say:
"Archie (Martin Mull) and Charlie (Dick Shawn) are "serious" filmmakers whose biggest hit to date, "Aluminum, Your Shiny Friend", hasn't exactly set the box offices on fire. All this is about to change when sleazy producer Bill Slotnick (Shelley Berman) talks the twosome into finish up a dirty movie called "Rented Lips", starring Wolf Dangler (Robert Downey Jr) and Mona Lisa (Jennifer Tilly). Archie and Charlie always wanted to make a "real" movie; now they get the chance - from the bottom up!"
I would rather sit in a bathtub filled with ice water, with a tazer in one hand and a rabid dog chewing on the other, than sit through this film again. I would rather eat dirt. I would rather clean the refrigerator with my toothbrush. I would rather just not do it.
Believe it or not - I have one positive thing to say. RDJR was pretty darned funny, even though he was still really young. Go figure. So, for about 5 minutes of this 82 minute film, I didn't wish I was getting a colonoscopy instead.
So, for a number, let's go with...oh... a 1.
One out of the bag, two to go.
As of the end of this week, I am in possession of 3 "new" (to me) VHS tapes of RDJR movies. As each arrived in the mail, I looked at the cover, read the back, and threw up a little in my mouth. I knew better than to save the sludge until the end. But, alas, I was lulled into complacency by the convenience of Netflix. Now I pay the price in film lover's purgatory of dvd non-releases from the 80's.
Anyhow, I also recently subscribed to Vogue, and they sent me this little canvas tote bag as a thank you. How nice. Just what every American woman needs, another free tote bag. I tossed it under my desk, and as each of these cinematic wonders arrived, I stuck it in the bag. I then decided to name the bag. I came up with these:
1. The Barf Bag
2. Bag of Horrors
3. Icky Bag
4. Satchel from Hell
So, after you read our review, please cast your vote as to the official bag name, or come up with one of your own.
Anyhow, there's work to be done. Here's what the back of the box had to say:
"Archie (Martin Mull) and Charlie (Dick Shawn) are "serious" filmmakers whose biggest hit to date, "Aluminum, Your Shiny Friend", hasn't exactly set the box offices on fire. All this is about to change when sleazy producer Bill Slotnick (Shelley Berman) talks the twosome into finish up a dirty movie called "Rented Lips", starring Wolf Dangler (Robert Downey Jr) and Mona Lisa (Jennifer Tilly). Archie and Charlie always wanted to make a "real" movie; now they get the chance - from the bottom up!"
I would rather sit in a bathtub filled with ice water, with a tazer in one hand and a rabid dog chewing on the other, than sit through this film again. I would rather eat dirt. I would rather clean the refrigerator with my toothbrush. I would rather just not do it.
Believe it or not - I have one positive thing to say. RDJR was pretty darned funny, even though he was still really young. Go figure. So, for about 5 minutes of this 82 minute film, I didn't wish I was getting a colonoscopy instead.
So, for a number, let's go with...oh... a 1.
One out of the bag, two to go.
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Bleeding for Science
Exciting news, my little chickens! Exciting news!
Tomorrow I get to have a ROOT CANAL! And I'm going to do it WITHOUT NOVOCAINE! Now, now, I know that you are so completely envious at this moment, poised in front of your computer, jaws gaping, skin turning a lovely shade of green...why does SHE get to be so lucky??
BUT WAIT! THERE'S MORE!
The next day, I'm going to lay down in the middle of Highway 97 and see how long it takes for a tractor-trailer to run me over! Imagine the suspense as I squirm on the asphalt, blood slowly starting to boil in the 99-degree heat! My heart races at the mere mental image.
It is true, I speak metaphorically. I am sitting here looking at 2 VHS tapes that arrived today...reading the back of the box...and wondering if there's a "door #3" somewhere that I can open instead. Alas, there is not, and for the sake of science, I will trudge onward. All for you, dearest reader - all for you.
Unfortunately I must postpone the event until such a time as there are no children in the house, as both nuggets are rated R. And I think they really mean it.
Something to look forward to, in an otherwise dreary existence. If you see me in the road - don't swerve.
Tomorrow I get to have a ROOT CANAL! And I'm going to do it WITHOUT NOVOCAINE! Now, now, I know that you are so completely envious at this moment, poised in front of your computer, jaws gaping, skin turning a lovely shade of green...why does SHE get to be so lucky??
BUT WAIT! THERE'S MORE!
The next day, I'm going to lay down in the middle of Highway 97 and see how long it takes for a tractor-trailer to run me over! Imagine the suspense as I squirm on the asphalt, blood slowly starting to boil in the 99-degree heat! My heart races at the mere mental image.
It is true, I speak metaphorically. I am sitting here looking at 2 VHS tapes that arrived today...reading the back of the box...and wondering if there's a "door #3" somewhere that I can open instead. Alas, there is not, and for the sake of science, I will trudge onward. All for you, dearest reader - all for you.
Unfortunately I must postpone the event until such a time as there are no children in the house, as both nuggets are rated R. And I think they really mean it.
Something to look forward to, in an otherwise dreary existence. If you see me in the road - don't swerve.
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Review #58 - Danger Zone (1996)
Another VHS treat for you all, from the back of the box: "A mining engineer races to clear his name and save millions of lives in this plot-twisting action adventure! Under the specter of civil war, a small African country is plagued by a second, deadlier threat: a lost cargo of toxic waste that could decimate millions of innocent tribesmen. Only Rick Morgan (Billy Zane), an American mining expert with a haunted past knows how to locate the leaking cargo. But maverick ex-spy (Robert Downey Jr) and a US envoy (Ron Silver) each have their own vested interests in Morgan's mission. As he journeys into the heart of this politically divided DANGER ZONE, Morgan unwittingly becomes a pawn in an international game of greed and conspiracy!"
There we go again with the exclamation marks.
Well, my little chickens, let's mix it up a little tonight. Rather than our usual review - as scintillating as those are - let's list:
Life Lessons from DANGER ZONE
1. There are 3 types of people in Africa: "tribesmen", "militia", and "rebels."
2. RDJR should never, NEVER, EVER adopt a Southern accent.
3. Billy Zane looks normal without hair. With hair, he doesn't look like Billy Zane.
4. Women scientists specializing in "radioactivity" evidently don't know that drinking radioactive water is bad.
5. Women scientists must always wear chamois-colored skin-tight pants and white shirts when in Africa, and those shirts never get dirty.
6. You can get a horrible gash in your leg and still hike up a waterfall, even though you need Billy Zane to help you walk on level ground.
7. If you are an African "rebel", you can get shot with an automatic assault weapon in the upper left shoulder, and you really don't get hurt all that badly. In fact, with said wound, you can still throw large boxes filled with guns and ammunition from a moving train.
8. Conversely, if you are an African "militia", your enemy just needs to wave a gun in your general direction and you fall to the ground, instantly dead.
9. Jumping from excessively high altitudes isn't dangerous, so long as you are jumping into water.
And last, but certainly not least:
10. There's no such thing as getting your ass kicked. You just keep throwing and receiving punches until someone either gets their neck broken or falls off the train.
So, all this being said - I had no clue what this movie was about while I was watching it, and after reading the back of the box, I'm still not quite sure what happened. It's definitely a 3.
There we go again with the exclamation marks.
Well, my little chickens, let's mix it up a little tonight. Rather than our usual review - as scintillating as those are - let's list:
Life Lessons from DANGER ZONE
1. There are 3 types of people in Africa: "tribesmen", "militia", and "rebels."
2. RDJR should never, NEVER, EVER adopt a Southern accent.
3. Billy Zane looks normal without hair. With hair, he doesn't look like Billy Zane.
4. Women scientists specializing in "radioactivity" evidently don't know that drinking radioactive water is bad.
5. Women scientists must always wear chamois-colored skin-tight pants and white shirts when in Africa, and those shirts never get dirty.
6. You can get a horrible gash in your leg and still hike up a waterfall, even though you need Billy Zane to help you walk on level ground.
7. If you are an African "rebel", you can get shot with an automatic assault weapon in the upper left shoulder, and you really don't get hurt all that badly. In fact, with said wound, you can still throw large boxes filled with guns and ammunition from a moving train.
8. Conversely, if you are an African "militia", your enemy just needs to wave a gun in your general direction and you fall to the ground, instantly dead.
9. Jumping from excessively high altitudes isn't dangerous, so long as you are jumping into water.
And last, but certainly not least:
10. There's no such thing as getting your ass kicked. You just keep throwing and receiving punches until someone either gets their neck broken or falls off the train.
So, all this being said - I had no clue what this movie was about while I was watching it, and after reading the back of the box, I'm still not quite sure what happened. It's definitely a 3.
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