PETA Enthusiasts - Do Not Read.

The time has come to fortify myself yet again...for in my mailbox, today arrived...

Toback.

If you haven't had the, uh, PLEASURE of meeting James Toback via his body of work, please see the reviews for Black & White and The Pick-Up Artist.

Now- indulge my illustration, please.

Seven years ago, when I got married, I had a stray mutt named Claude. Claude hated being my dog almost as much as I hated being his master, but he was a stray and I took him in - so what was I to do? Just toss him back out into the street and "accidentally" back over him with my car? Never did that cross my mind.

Anyway, while my beloved and I were honeymooning, Claude spent his days out in the fenced yard. My kids would take the bus home, feed and water Claude, and then spend the night at their dad's. It was April, so both days and nights were well within the comfort zone. So far, so good.

At the close of the week, we came back home to find Claude's entire rear-end caked in poop. Upon closer examination, I had the distinct pleasure of discovering that not only was Claude packing around his own feces, but a substantial number of maggots as well. I, as the family matriarch, was faced with the dubious task of removing both from Claude.

I'm not sure if I possess the words to describe the way I felt as I stared down at that smelly, heave-inducing, maggot-leaching stray dog that I never really liked in the first place. All I can say is, upon realizing the contents of the Netflix envelope in my mailbox today, said emotion came rushing back at me as if riding on a wave of nausea - possessing all the power and force as would be produced by the unfettering of the Columbia River, or perhaps by Ms. Wal-Mart in a tankini riding Purple Haze at the waterpark. My knees actually went weak.

So here I sit with Toback. I don't have the energy today. Maybe tomorrow. Or Wednesday.

PS - After a few additional months of domestic bliss, Claude eventually hit the road again. I saw him once; he saw my car and ran in the other direction. Really.