What's the Chinese Symbol for a Plus Sign?

So, my little chickens - the time has come to burst your respective bubbles.

Some of you know me, some of you do not. For those of you who don't, I am sure that you have formed an image of me in your mind. Such wit! Such wisdom! Such profundity! Surely a woman who can produce all this - and more - must be a highly-educated lady of refinement, secure in a McMansion, seated on a pile of old money which she tosses out the window indiscriminately to the masses below.

Well, alas - said lady went to the dollar store today. Does that alter your mental picture a little?

My son's friend turns 11 tomorrow, and, well, he needed a gift. I suggested to Tav that we go to the dollar store and get him some bags of candy...I figured that was a brilliant gift for an 11-year old, and it would only cost me 5 bucks.

So, I wandered around the store, stocking up on gift wrap and pretending like I wasn't much interested in anything I saw, while my son did his shopping. He knew he could get 5 things. Pause for a moment, dearest reader - now pretend like you are a 10-year old boy in the dollar store. What five things would you get? Got it in your mind? Okay - fasten your seatbelts.

We ended up with:
1. A bag of rubber bands
2. 2 rolls of Scotch tape
3. 2 mechanical pencils
4. a bag of Jolly Ranchers

I grabbed an Iron Man Pez dispenser to make 5 items. (Like I'm NOT going to buy one of those.) This is what my son came up with as the perfect gift for a classmate.

Go figure.

This part you will love. Did you know that you can buy pregnancy tests at the dollar store? They are right next to the cash register. Call me an elitist, but I would not trust the learning of a life-altering fate to a test that I bought at the DOLLAR STORE. I'm sure that 12-year old kid working in the pregnancy test sweat shop in China is doing the best he can, but come on, people. Are you serious?

Hey - how about a package deal? Buy 1 box of dollar store condoms, get a coupon for a free dollar store pregnancy test?

Review #44 - One Night Stand (1997)

Boy, you are gonna love this - here's what Netflix has to say: "With a continent separating Wesley Snipes and his wife, he meets the comely Nastassja Kinski and agrees take the spare bed in her hotel room. Needless to say, the cot doesn't get much use. Intended to be a loosely connected series of sex scenes, director Mike Figgis instead weaves a protracted tale of loss and regret."

So, I picked this one up from the post office today, read that summary, and gagged. I spent my afternoon anticipating some stupid soft-core porn sex movie, devoid of plot and completely without merit.

Fortunately for me - and for you, dearest reader - the movie summary doesn't do it justice. Not that I'll be running out and telling everyone I see about this spectacular amazing film, but it wasn't as bad as I had feared.

Yes, Snipes and Kinski have a one-night stand. However, the bedroom scenes aren't as graphic as you would imagine, given that lame summary from Netflix. A later sex scene between Snipes and his wife was actually really, really funny. If you were only listening to the dialogue, you'd probably think they were moving furniture or something. "Over there...no, over there..."

Our hero plays Snipes' friend Charlie, who at the beginning of the film discloses that he is HIV-positive, and then dies at the end of the film. Oh, by the way, spoiler alert! Sorry about that. Anyhow, given the fact that this movie was released in 1997, and the work produced by our hero around that time was, shall we say, LACKING in quality - I was moved by what he did here.

All that being said, the film had its moments, but there's probably a reason that you've never heard of it. That reason being it's not drop-dead wonderful. Wesley Snipes smokes a lot of weed and there's a dinner party scene that made zero sense. But it was ah ite.

So, after pre-judging this one as a 1, I actually am giving it a 6.5.

Get My Drift?

So, I don't mind telling you, dearest reader - this was a hard weekend.

I haven't heard from my soldier son in 60 days. No one-liners, nothing. Not a peep.

I know, practically speaking, that he is alive and well, because he's in the Army of course, not just wandering around Bagdad like some strung-out college student. However, I am his mother. Get my drift?

It's to the point that, when I think about it, I get something akin to a panic attack - my heart starts pounding, it becomes very difficult to breath, the tears spring up. I concentrate on taking shallow breaths and dig my fingernails into the palms of my hands. The pain usually jolts me back to normal. If you've never tried it, you'd be amazed at how effective that is.

And unfortunately, I have to think about it all the time - because the first question out of most well-meaning peoples' mouths is, "Have you heard from Chris?" So I go through my little routine, put a smile on my face, and say, "Not lately."

I swear, if I survive this without a cardiac incident or a stroke - I'm nominating myself for an Oscar.

Well, in addition to keeping a tally of contact-less days, I saw some young kid in a uniform this weekend. For my non-local followers, we are 150 miles from the nearest military base, so this isn't something you see every day around here. I took my youngest to McD's on Saturday, and there was GI Joe.

I wanted to say hi. I wanted to thank him for volunteering his life. I wanted to pay for this breakfast, because no US serviceman should ever have to pay for his own fast food, at least not when I'm in line in front of him. But all I did was smile....because just THINKING about doing any of those made me want to sob, right there in the middle of McDonald's. So I dug my fingernails into my palm and ate my Sausage McMuffin.

I tell myself that my son is in God's hands, and He can protect Chris much more effectively than I ever could. But I miss my son. I want my son with me. I want to hear his goofy laugh. I want to sit next to him in church. I want to make his lunch.

I am his mother. Get my drift?

Review #43 - Hugo Pool (1997)

Here you have it from Netflix: "This bizarre cult comedy stars Alyssa Milano as Hugo, a young pool cleaner in Los Angeles. In the course of one day, Hugo cleans 44 pools, deals with eccentric and even dangerous clients, helps her parents (Cathy Moriarty and Malcolm McDowell) grow up and still finds time to fall in love - with a Hungarian film director (Patrick Dempsey) afflicted with Lou Gehrig's disease. Co-stars Robert Downey Jr., Richard Lewis and Sean Penn."

Okay, my little chickens, FIRST OF ALL - Patrick Dempsey's character DID have ALS, but he was NOT a Hungarian film director. RDJR was the Hungarian film director. I swear, Netflix - you gotta watch their every move, don't you.

SECOND OF ALL - I have learned, over the years of my intense scientific study of filmese, that "bizarre cult comedy" actually means "stupid movie".

Have you ever had a party and nobody showed up? That's how this movie feels. A comedy with no laughs. Oh, and Dempsey dies in the end. Ah, yes, tragic death - that good old dependable workhorse of the "bizarre cult comedy." So, after watching a comedy that in no way makes you laugh, you get to see a dead guy. Priceless.

I'm guessing that this review qualifies me for the "unfeeling witch" award, because it was written by Robert Downey Sr. and his wife Laura, who also died from ALS. Okay, that makes me feel more than a little bad-but not so bad as to upgrade this film from "stinkbomb" to "quirky".

I never, ever, ever, EVER thought these words would come out of my mouth - but THANK G*D for Sean Penn. He was a bright spot in a dark and dreary night. Our hero's "accent" was so intentionally muddled as to render his scenes, well, head-scratching.

I don't know what could have redeemed this film, apart from an entirely new script. Alyssa Milano was completely out of her league. When your main character is totally forgettable, you know you are in trouble.

Do I have to give it a number? Well, I guess I do. It's a 2.

Review #42 - Home for the Holidays (1995)

And now a word from our Netflix sponsor: "Claudia Larson is heading home for yet another chaotic and exasperating family Thanksgiving. But a new visitor offers some interesting possibilities. If they can duck the flying turkeys, this romance just may have a chance."

Details much? Geesh, people - work with me here.

So, Holly Hunter plays Claudia Larson, and RDJR is her brother. Our feature opens with Claudia getting ready to take off to mommy and daddy's for Thanksgiving - and in the short span of leaving work and getting to the airport, she manages to get fired, make out with her boss, and get informed by her teenage daughter that said daughter plans on losing her virginity while mom's gone.

At this point, I'm already loving this movie.

If you've ever endured a bad family meal, you have to see this movie. The Thanksgiving dinner scene will have you speechless. My absolute favorite part is crazy Auntie "reminiscing" about her brother-in-law as her first love. This, apparently, was a news flash to everyone, including said brother-in-law. Hysterical.

Anyway, I'm not going to give you too many details on this one, because I think you should watch it for yourself. I really liked it. I'm sure I'll get a smattering of "I can't believe you gave Home for the Holidays a higher score than (fill in the blank)" posts and e-mails, but it is what it is. I can't help how I feel. Cosmic forces are at work here; in addition to, of course, science.

By the way - parts of our hero's performance were manic and over the top, almost as if he were, oh, hopped up on cocaine or something. Ahem.

I give this one an 8 and yes, I plan on buying it.

Things That Make You Go "OHHHH..."

Don't you just hate it when:

1. You come home from work, cook dinner, clean up the kitchen, and do all the dishes...with a satisfied smile on your face, settle into your recliner for an evening with your favorite book...and then realize you forgot to clean the George Foreman grill?

2. You forget to write down a REALLY BIG CHECK because you are so used to using your debit card for everything and get your balance instantly online?

3. Sleep in on a Saturday morning, roll out of bed and then step in dog pee because Fifi couldn't hold it any longer?

4. The guy in front of you is doing 35 in a 45 mph zone, and there's no passing?

5. Eat a great meal in a restaurant with your friends, and then spend the rest of the evening wondering if you have basil in your teeth?

6. Get halfway to work and realize that you left your lunch in the fridge at home?

7. You are the only person who laughs at an obscure comment/joke/scene during a movie in a semi-crowded theater?

8. You are sitting across from someone, and they start scratching and wiping at their nose, which makes you start doing it too out of fear that you have a giant goober face?

I'm not saying that these things have happened to me personally, just throwing them out for the sake of conversation. Ahem.

Review #41 - Soapdish (1991)

Guess what, my little chickens? Netflix has added yet another RDJR classic to its lineup of "instant streaming". So, rather than wait two whole days for my next dvd to arrive in the mail, we get to review another movie TONIGHT! C'est Magnifique!

Summary, courtesy of Netflix: "Soap opera star Celeste Talbert (Sally Field) gets desperate when she finds out that her rival, Montana Moorehead (Cathy Moriarty), has been trying to get producer Barnes (Robert Downey Jr.) to write Celeste off the show. And since Barnes has eyes for Montana, Celeste must scramble to keep her job. Now, the cast and crew's latest antics produce enough dirty laundry to keep everyone in hot water in director Michael Hoffman's Golden Globe-nominated hit."

For some reason, this summary leaves out Kevin Kline - who is one of my favorite actors; Carrie Fisher, Elizabeth Shue, Teri Hatcher and Whoopi Goldberg. So, do me a favor and mentally add them to the list. Got it? Okay, we'll proceed.

Side note - my youngest thinks Whoopi Goldberg and Oprah Winfrey are the same person. Go figure. Whenever he sees a picture of Whoopi, he says, "Look, it's Oprah". No, I don't get it either.

This was a silly little film about a silly little topic. It had a lot of big names, as you can see. Carrie Fisher was completely wasted (I mean under-utilized as an actress, not drunk) which was a shame, because she can be pretty darn funny. Our hero was TV producer (I think that's what he was, let's not get too wrapped up in the details) David Barnes, and out of loyalty, I would LIKE to say that he had his moments. But again, anyone could have been put in that role and it really would not have mattered. Sorry babe, I'm a scientist, not a groupie.

Kevin Kline rocks. Sally Field - well, let's face it, she's one of the most talented working actresses today. Everyone else was, well, interchangeable for just about anyone else.

If you have Netflix, and if you are looking for a pleasant but forgettable diversion, go ahead and stream it. Otherwise, don't lose any sleep over it.

This movie is a 6.5.

Review #40 - Annie Leibovitz: Life Through a Lens (2008)

Per our friends at Netflix: "This documentary takes an in-depth look at the influential career of iconic photographer Annie Leibovitz, from her earliest artistic efforts to her storied tenure at Rolling Stone and Vanity Fair magazines and beyond. Intimately filmed by Annie's sister Barbara Leibovitz, the program features interviews with the artist as she works at home, along with telling insights from many of the celebrities she has photographed, such as Mick Jagger."

So, to say that RDJR "appeared" in this is, well, a stretch. Our hero was on screen for about 4 seconds, as a snippet from a photo shoot. He was not one of the aforementioned celebrities to provide a "telling insight." In fact, I considered not adding this one to the list of reviews. We certainly don't want to skew our results now, do we. There are a couple other RDJR "no-shows" that I watched and then left off; but, I figured, what the heck. Live on the edge. Dive into the pool of chaos and review it.

So, who is Annie Leibovitz, you ask? No, I've never heard her name before, but alas, I don't get out much. I did, however, recognize several of her photos. Remember the Rolling Stone cover of a naked John Lennon wrapped around Yoko Ono? How about the nude, uber-pregnant Demi Moore photo? Those are both Annie. Now, dearest reader, you are up to speed.

My love of the documentary is unabashed...I can trace it back to grade school. Yes, I loved it when the teacher got out the projector, because that meant we got to see A MOVIE during SCHOOL. It didn't matter to me that it wasn't, say, Benji or something like that. It was still A MOVIE. So, for me anyway, documentaries are like school movies for grown-ups, and I still get all excited.

I also get all excited, in a way I can't explain, when I see the sweet, clean engine compartment of a nice, shiny car. But that's a story for another time.

This film was...all right. It occurred to me that the facets I liked the most would probably be the ones that actual critics would trash. Annie's sexuality was not a focal point. Her relationship with Susan Sontag was certainly explored, but not in an exploitative way. Her children - mentioned; seen, but not heard. Critics who actually understand this industry would probably consider these as sins of superficiality. This film was all about Annie's work...and maybe that's what Annie is, did you ever think about that, Mr. Critic? Maybe the line between Annie the person and Annie the photographer is pretty smudgy, and when you get one, you get them both.

Or maybe I don't know what I'm talking about.

If you are into art and enjoy looking at portraits, you'll probably like this one. If you are hoping for something to chew on, you probably won't. I say it's a 7.

Seinfeld Visits My Year With RDJR

So, today I bought a new vacuum cleaner. Woot woot. Why is this worth discussing, you ask? Well, I guess it's not.

Today I worked. A lot. And really accomplished quite little. Worth a blog post? Nah.

Had a latte'. Yes, I'm back on the sauce, what of it? The saddest thing is, I don't really enjoy the taste of them - just the happy attack I have for about 60 minutes after I finish. But, alas, probably not worth discussing either.

Have not worked out in a month. Jeans are getting...uh...tight. Wanna talk about it? Well, I don't.

Haven't heard from my son since February 25th. Have sent him multiple "shame on you for not contacting your mom" e-mails. I came up with a great idea today, actually. Utilizing the miracle of "online banking," I think I'll transfer all the money out of his checking account. Think that will get his attention? That might even bring a phone call. Hmmm...evil plot afoot.

Netflix has informed me that a goodie awaits me tomorrow at my friendly neighborhood post office. Can I have another woot woot?

You are probably thinking, dear reader - 'uh, why is she wasting my time with this lame, pointless post?' Well, darlings - Tina had a bad, bad day. Tina is tired of fighting the fight and is ready to give up and move her bootie on down the road. So Tina is here because this gives her something to focus on other than her sad little life and her really, really sad little future. Which, if you might recall, was the purpose of The Project to begin with. Distract and deflect, baby. Distract and deflect.

Feeling pretty lonely tonight.

View #39 - Tropic Thunder (2008)

Ain't nothin' but a thang from Netflix: "In the spirit of Apocalypse Now and Platoon, this combat film send-up from director-star Ben Stiller tracks a group of actors who are forced to become real-life soldiers when they're abandoned in the jungles of Southeast Asia. The all-star cast includes Robert Downey Jr (in an Oscar-nominated role), Jack Black, Matthew McConaughey, and Nick Nolte, with an unrecognizable (and Golden Globe nominated) Tom Cruise playing a crude movie mogul."

Ah, Tropic Thunder. In the interest of science, I do have to disclose to you, my dearest reader, that I've already seen this movie. Twice. I also need to disclose to you that, if Ben Stiller is in it, I'm predisposed to loving it.

The first 15 minutes of Tropic Thunder are perfect. Geez, this was my third time seeing it, and I still laughed non-stop during the intro. Ben Stiller and RDJR - this is a good combo, people. Note to Hollywood - put these 2 together in anything and charge whatever you want. I will pay whatever you ask to see it. There's this scene where RDJR and Ben are discussing the concept of going "full retard" - again, third time seeing it, and I thought I was going to pee, it was so funny.

I wish I could say the whole film is that great, but it does run out of steam at the end. Sorry, Ben - you know I love you. But I am, first and foremost, a scientist.

RDJR was nominated for an Oscar, and he should have won. Hello, if Marisa Tomei could win for My Cousin Vinny - our hero could win for this.

Yes, the language was over the top. Yes, besides our hero and Ben Stiller, all the other characters were interchangeable. But it was like watching "There's Something About Mary" - you find yourself peeking through your fingers, laughing that uneasy "OHHHHH" laugh and all the while thinking, "I can't believe I'm watching this." And you watch it anyway.

This one's an 8, for RDJR's performance and Ben Stiller's...well...Stiller-ness.

All the News That's Fit to Print

Drumroll, please......

For your viewing pleasure, see the Major Events of my week:

1. Enrolled in a 28-day "goal setting challenge" class. Why, you ask? Good question. I can't help myself. I see the words "goal setting" and it's like waving a pork chop at a Jack Russell terrier or cocaine at Tom Sizemore. I just can't say no.

2. Watched "Charlie Bartlett" again last night. Decided that maybe I was too harsh in my review a few months ago; I actually really like this movie. The kid who plays Charlie, the up-and-coming...uh.. what's his face, is very talented. Sweet little movie. Actually bought it at Blockbuster; they are running their "save us from bankruptcy" buy 5 movies for $26 special.

3. Have just decided that my Tom Sizemore comment, see #1 above, was too harsh, as I adore Tom Sizemore. Hello, have you seen Natural Born Killers? But am not reticent enough to remove said comment. Mercy is a work in progress.

4. Worked, a lot. May go in today after I clean the house. Thanks, Gloria Steinem. Women's work just isn't enough for us post-modern girls; now we get to do Men's work AND Women's work.

5. Mentally started writing a fable which will be the last post to this blog, predictably on January 1, 2011. Wow...I would say, "that seems so far away," but it really doesn't. It's already April, and I feel like I just started this little Project last week. Anyhoo, at 2 a.m. when I can't sleep, my story sounds really good in my head. Time will tell how it sounds in the light of day.

6. Thought about the 16 movies on my "I have to find these for the Project" list. Yes, dear reader, I think of this blog at irrational moments, like when I'm sitting at stop signs, typing stuff at work, talking on the phone, eating lunch... Science has consumed my very soul.

7. Made fun of the psycho toenail-clipping-in-a-jar collectors who post to the message boards on Downey Unlimited.

8. Posted to the message boards on Downey Unlimited.

That pretty much sums it up. How about you, dearest reader?

Review #38 - Air America (1990)

Ladies and gentlemen, may I present Netflix: "Flyboys Gene Ryack (Mel Gibson) and Billy Covington (Robert Downey Jr.) transport cargo - everything from food to animals to contraband - for a clandestine CIA operation set up to help finance the Vietnam War. Though Ryack is onboard for the mission, Covington harbors doubts about its ethical implications. But when it becomes apparent that a higher value is placed on the cargo than on the men delivering it, Ryack questions his involvement."

I watched this film with my 10-year old. I think perhaps I shall address it from both of our perspectives.

From my perspective: I have 2 words and 1 number for you. "Mel Gibson" and "1990." Holy Hannah, Batman. Do you guys REMEMBER what he looked like 20 years ago? Wow.

Okay, so here's the film, in a nutshell. Some stuff happens with planes, then Mel comes out and says something witty. And then he smiles and his gorgeous eyes sparkle mischievously. Sigh. Some other stuff happens with other people, and then Mel says some more stuff and laughs mischievously. Sigh. I'm not sure what else happened. Oh, and Robert Downey was in it, I think - but then Mel said something and stared intently into the camera and I kinda forgot the rest.

Tav's perspective might be a little less biased. He asked me the following questions, repeatedly and with increasing frustration: "What is this movie supposed to be about??" "How much longer is it??" "What is this movie supposed to be about, again??" "Is this a funny movie??"

Okay, he pretty much summed it up. This film was either a lousy drama or a flat comedy, take your pick. It never really went anywhere I wanted to go. I think it tried to be dramedy and get all social conscience on me, but it was so muddy I didn't really weep the requisite bucket of tears or tap my chin in a "wow, my thoughts are provoked" manner.

Did you ever notice how dazzlingly white Mel's teeth are?

Uh, a number. Well, I didn't hate it. So let's go with a 5.

How Many Threads in a Pound?

Dearest reader - I stumbled across an RDJ fan site and posted our little science experiment, and noted how I'm having real problems finding a copy of "Pound", which was our hero's first celluloid appearance. A very kind lady named Joyce says that she may be able to provide me with one.

Therefore, I take back all the snide remarks and snarky thoughts I said and/or had about the type of grown men and women who would actually belong to a "fan site." I also am profusely thanking Joyce.

Okay, but the site is still more than a little disturbing...I used to feel that way about Tom Selleck, but geez, I was THIRTEEN. Come on, people. There was actually a contest entitled "Name the 17 occasions on which RDJ wore these shoes." AND SOMEBODY WON.

Dear g*d. No wonder why celebrities are always freaked out. Prince's entourage from the 80's would look like Romper Room compared to the posse I'd have with me 24/7 if (when) I were (am) famous. I wouldn't even go to Starbucks without Chuck Norris holding my hand and Weird Al Yankovic walking in front me as a human shield.

Okay, Joyce - I take it back. I can't help it. My mind is sharp and my tongue is weak. Please do not get offended to the point that you won't send me the movie. I love you and all your rabid friends.

Okay, sorry again. Your friends are not rabid. Maybe ENTHUSIASTIC is a better word. EXUBERANT. PSYCHOTIC.

Geez, there I go again. I didn't mean it, Joyce, really. I'm going to stop typing now.

Review #37 - Tuff Turf (1985)

From our friends at Netflix: "Morgan (James Spader) is the new kid in school. Unfortunately for him, he has a history of trouble, along with a cool, rebellious attitude. And to make matters worse, Morgan also has eyes for he hottie girlfriend of the school's tough guy. Let's hope Morgan makes it to graduation! Co-stars Robert Downey Jr., Kim Richards, and Olivia Barash. Los Angeles bands Jack Mack and Heart Attach are featured on the soundtrack."

My, oh my. Where was I in 1985??? How did I miss this movie???? For those of you who may have forgotten how hot James Spader was 25 years ago, before he started playing "the creeper" in every other film in which he appeared - you gotta see this one. Our hero plays Spader's bff, Jimmy. It was really rather sweet. What a natural comedian. And in the fight scene in the end, Jimmy shows up with...2 Doberman Pinschers. How hysterical is that? Of course, that part was supposed to be serious...OHHHH, mean dogs! - but still pretty darned funny.

Yup, I pretty much loved it. Yes, it was the definition of Velveeta - but cheese can be entertaining, and the music was outta sight. This one has "cult classic" written all over it - and again, I ask - where the heck was I?????

I give it an 8.