Review #66 - Due Date (2010)

Gather close, my little chickens.  The time has arrived for our last review.  There are no more new releases to await with breathless anticipation.  No more videos to root out of their little VHS foxholes.  This is it.  There's no more Christmas after tonight.

This is not, however, our last post.  We still have to acknowledge the most, er, NOTEWORTHY films of Our Hero's colorful career with an overblown awards ceremony.  And I have a swan song for you...a fable, of sorts, to put a caboose on our endeavor.  This is not goodbye.

On that note - welcome to Due Date, released yesterday here in the good old US of A.  From our friends at rottentomatoes.com, I provide this synopsis: "A high-strung father-to-be is forced to hitch a ride with a college slacker on a road trip in order to make it to his child's birth on time."

I originally saw previews for this film over the summer, and if you recall, I wasn't impressed.  In September, I saw an extended preview which was a lot more entertaining.  Thus I had hope for the film, in the way you hope your Little Molly's rendition of "Jingle Bells" will knock all the other first-grade parents dead at the Christmas Pageant, even though Little Molly can't carry a tune in a bucket to save her life.  That frightened, over-bright pasted-on smile with terror in your eyes kind of hope.

Armed with the Trio of Movie Goodness, two facets of which came from the dollar store, and my dear friend Crissy, I set off to place the final brick in this little yellow blog road. 

Oh, insert here that I went to the movie already pissed at Zach G-guywiththelonglastname, as he and his self-righteous little reefer madness cohorts got Mel Gibson fired from "The Hangover 2".  Seems that this elite Hollywood crowd disapproves of Mr. Gibson's recent voice mails which have been mysteriously leaked to the press, and as a result, feel that Mel should be ritually sacrificed as their purity won't allow for such tainted blood to co-mingle with their own.  Funny how this righteous indignation managed to be suppressed long enough to allow for Mike Tyson, A CONVICTED FELON RAPIST, to appear in the first Hangover movie.  Isn't that special.

Moving on...

You will probably hear reviews over the next week which compare this film to "Planes, Trains and Automobiles."  The comparisons are justified.  Truly, it is pretty much the same flick, with the humor updated by 25 years or so.  That being said, PT&A was hysterical, so why NOT try it again?  Our Hero was a little less endearing than Steve Martin; Zach what's his face was a little stupider than John Candy.   RDJR actually spits on a dog and punches an obnoxious little kid in the gut.  Works for me.

You will probably also hear reviews that this film was disappointing.  I think that's too harsh.  I laughed, I had a good time with my buddy.  I ate popcorn and milk duds.  I went to a rated R movie in the theater for the first time in recent memory, sans my 11-year old companion.  It probably could have been better, maybe develop the Jamie Foxx storyline a bit - I love me some Jamie Foxx.  I probably won't buy it, but might Netflix it and skip the R scenes so Tav can watch it at home.

If you see Due Date and think it royally sucks, let me know and I'll mail you a VHS of a truly crappy movie for comparison.  I now have a collection of them, you see.

For the very last time, I assign a number and give Due Date a 7.5.

Review #65 - Firstborn (1984)

Ah, the movie has arrived! My VHS copy of "Firstborn" has finally found its way to us. It comes sans box...so I had to take this summary from imdb.com:

"Because he's the oldest, Jake has been the man of the house, since his parents' divorce. When Mom starts seeing Sam, who always seems to be trying some new way to get rich quick, and declares he's the man of the house now, Jake puts up with it. Until he discovers Sam's illegal activities."

Mom is Teri Garr - Sam is Peter Weller - Jake, the oldest son, is some guy - and the little brother Brian is Corey Haim. Our Hero plays "weird friend", a role he perfected in the mid 80's.

So, at this point in our relationship, dear reader, you might think you can predict my reviews...so go for it. Stop right now and predict what I'm going to say about this 80's flick which was never released on DVD.

WRONG!!!! I actually LIKED this movie. I think, in fact, that it should be required viewing for every divorced woman with kids before she starts dating. Be careful, Ms. Divorcee, or you could end up a cokehead with Peter Weller sleeping on your couch all day.

The movie was good because it wasn't over the top. Mom's boyfriend, although a drug dealing junkie, put in a little effort with the kids, in his own sad way. Mom started doing drugs but didn't turn into a prostitute with track marks up and down her arms. And in the end -spoiler alert - the oldest son didn't kill mom's boyfriend, and all the problems the boyfriend caused didn't magically resolve themselves.

So, yes, I liked it. Frankly, I don't know why it hasn't been released on DVD. A lot worse crapola sure has been.

I give it a 7.5.

Review #64 - Iron Man 2 (2010)

The time has come.

From the back of the box: "Robert Downey Jr. returns as billionaire Tony Stark in this thrilling sequel to the worldwide blockbuster. Now that his Super Hero secret has been revealed, Tony's life is more intense than ever. Everyone wants in on the Iron Man Technology, whether for power or profit...but for Ivan Vanko ("Whiplash"), it's revenge! Tony must once again suit up and face his most dangerous enemy yet, but not without a few allies of his own. Co-starring Mickey Rourke, Gwyneth Paltrow, Don Cheadle and Scarlett Johansson, Iron Man 2 is "spectacular!"

Iron Man 2 came out on DVD on Tuesday. We waited until WEDNESDAY to buy it at Wal-Mart. This is because I am a scientist, not some pathetic loser who has been on some sort of countdown for the past 65 days awaiting the release. I then waited until today, FRIDAY, to actually watch it. Again, scientist - not long-suffering fan who's been casting sidelong glances at a DVD case for the past two days, and giving it a loving stroke whenever I walk by it, like Oprah on a maple bar.

Ahem.

All that being said, I sat down with an 11-year old, a Dr. Pepper, a box of old-fashioned donuts, a bag of jalapeno chips and a carton of Whoppers earlier tonight to officially review Iron Man 2. You may recall, dearest reader, that Tav and I were in line at the Omak Theater back in May when the film was released, but I postponed my review until now, the dry spell before the wind down.

Side note- we only have 2 movies left. Can you flippin' believe it???

I'm going to assume that you haven't been on a lunar expedition for the past few years, and you've actually seen Iron Man. Did you like it? Well, you will like this one too. Did you hate it? Well, go back to the moon. Who asked you, anyway. Iron Man 2 is a little dark, a little opaque - who, exactly, is Scarlett Johansson supposed to be again? - but it's so entertaining, you don't really care. I mean, come on. It's a superhero movie. If you want accuracy and plausibility, watch "An Inconvenient Truth" or something like that.

(I'm inserting a Starkian raised brow and smirk here. Do as you see fit, depending on your own environmental and/or political leanings.)

The only action scene that was difficult to follow was Scarlett's butt-kicking montage, which was visually confusing due to her long red hair flopping everywhere. Other than that, it wasn't a visually overwhelming film, as some (many) tend to be, to the point where your brain gets so tired of tracking flying bodies, rolling cars and laser beams that you can't see straight enough to drive home. Some films make me nostalgic for Claymation. At least you could see what was going on.

Did I like it? Well, of course I did. After all I've endured this year film-wise, I deserved Iron Man 2. This is my flick, which I benevolently share with the population at large. You may miss it, if you're not watching closely - but there's a dedication at the end: "To Tina, with all my love and gratitude for enduring "Friends and Lovers" and "The Gingerbread Man", RD." Thanks, Bob.

We gotta go with a 10.

Review # 63 - Greaser's Palace (1972)

So, I've got a few hours to kill this morning. My son is at a friend's house. I've been packing all week, and I'm tired of it - plus I'm out of boxes. I don't have to be to work until 2:30. God forbid I do something crazy, like CLEAN. So I decided to watch a movie.

Back the train up. I can't function in the a.m. without a latte'. So at 8:45 this morning, I got in the car and headed for the fruit stand, my nearest source of espresso. Well, once I was in the car, I figured - hey, I'm out anyway, let's drive 10 more miles and get a donut at Safeway and a better latte' at The Pumphouse. And this, dear reader, is what I did. My 15 minute latte' run actually took 50 minutes, but I got the drink I wanted and 2 donuts. So I'm cool now.

Our feature today is "Greaser's Palace," made in 1972 by Robert Downey Sr. (here we go again) and provided via Amazon.com's "Video on Demand" feature. Here's their summary:

"A combination of the Old West and the New Testament; a zoot-suited drifter (Allan Arbus) discovers his true calling and begins to perform miracles. What he really prefers though is doing his boogie-woogie song-and-dance act. In his wanderings he attracts many followers and finally gets to play The Palace, a saloon run by ruthless Seaweed Greaser (Albert Henderson). The act is a success, but Greaser's spoiled daughter, Cholera (Luana Anders), his hitherto star, is furious--"A man with holes in his hands is a bigger hit than me?"--and all according to the Gospel of cult filmmaker Robert Downey (Putney Swope, Pound). "

Okay, where to start. Well, the Jesus-type was played by the guy who was the psychiatrist on MASH, which was kinda fun. I always liked his voice. Our Hero played "little boy", which was appropriate, since in 1972 he was a little boy. Here's the kicker, folks - "little boy" gets his THROAT SLIT about 10 minutes into the movie. As Dana Carvey would say, isn't that SPECIAL. Can you imagine the dinnertime conversations at the Downey house, circa 1971?

(6 p.m., Downey house. All are seated around the dinner table.)

RDSR: (Waves meatloaf-laden fork at wife to get her attention.) Honey, I'd like Junior to be in my next film. He'll play a little kid who gets his throat slit. Any problem with that?

MRS. RDSR: Oh, no, dear. I trust you implicitly. I foresee absolutely no issues with our young, impressionable son having his throat slit on film while his daddy watches. In fact, I predict our little boy will be a straight-A Harvard grad and a productive member of society. (turns to RDJR) What do you think, honey? Doesn't that sound like a FUN time with daddy?

RDJR: (Making mashed potato mountain featuring a pentagram carved into the side and crooking his little pinkie finger) REDRUM. REDRUM.

RDSR: Well, then, it's settled. I think this is a capital idea. I'm so glad I thought of it. I believe I'll write a parenting book.

Back to my review. I broke my cardinal rule (again) and read a few of the reviews posted on Amazon. I did wait until the film was over, so I only really BENT the rule. One guy said, "Five people can watch this film. One will love it, four will hate it, but all five will never forget it."

I mostly agree with that statement; however, I guarantee you that I will forget this film as soon as I possibly can, resorting to hypnosis if necessary.

This little nugget will be available on DVD soon. I can't possibly imagine why. It was vulgar, idiotic, poorly written, filmed, edited and dubbed; it was silly, stupid, unimaginative, and crass. It was one joke over and over and over. And the joke wasn't even funny the first time.

I give it a 1.

Extra Credit Review - Ally McBeal, Season 4 (2001)

So, for the sake of science and the enjoyment of my readership, I have just finished viewing 23 episodes of Ally McBeal.

Twenty.Three.

I freely admit that it took me, like, 3 weeks to do it. This involved 6 DVDs from Netflix, and when you take into account the fact that they only mail me one at a time, I think I made pretty darned good time.

Ally McBeal was on in the mid-90's to early 00's. I didn't watch it when it was originally on air. In fact, I don't want most things when they are originally aired. I usually wait several years and watch them in syndication. This is regardless of the show's popularity. Because that's how I roll.

So, in the interest of including a pointless list in my blog post, I've compiled a short list of shows that I didn't watch much of, if at all - and some I still don't.

Friends
Seinfeld
Ally McBeal (obviously)
ER
any of the CSI's
Grey's Anatomy
LA Law (okay, I know that's a bit of time travel for some of you, but to me it feels like last week)
Two and a Half Men
Home Improvement
any of the Law and Order's

and the list goes on and on.

What do I watch, you ask?

Reruns of The Golden Girls
Reruns of King of the Hill
Most anything on the Food Network
I used to watch 24, but that was like years ago.

And that's pretty much it. Do with it what you will.

Back to the business at hand. What did I think of Ally McBeal? Well, I can see why it was popular, but I can also see why it was canceled the following year. The season started off well, but by about episode 15 or so, I was ready to quit. Our Hero had to make a rather untimely departure at the end of the season - some minor situation involving a debt to society - and the re-writes were so, frankly, sucky and his character so summarily dismissed as to make me wish he had never agreed to do the show in the first place.

People were slobbering all over themselves when RDJR agreed to do the show (even I, cave dweller, remember that). I think he won a Golden Globe or something for his performance. In my humble opinion, the bestowing of that award was more of a commentary on the sad state of TV than on RDJR's performance. Yes, it was good, notwithstanding how crappily it was written. It's the award show version of saying, "Gee, this burger tastes great, considering how much meat-flavored soy and non-food additives it contains." Hardly a compliment.

Again, I know that Our Hero reads my blog...please accept my apologies for the harsh words. But I am, above all, a scientist. Now that RDJR is an uber-star, I'm sure that a repeat TV performance would be...unlikely, a fact for which I'm grateful. Because some things, like some people, just are not meant to be together.

Review #62 - That's Adequate (1990)

From the back of the box: "This is the story of Adequate Pictures, a whacked out and washed up movie studio with no money, no class, and no qualms about stealing ideas from other studios and making them their own. Adequate has, through the years, managed to give us such classics as "Einstein on the Bounty", "Baby Frankenstein", and "Singing in the Synagogue". The end result is the most outrageously comic and outlandish inside look into the workings of a movie studio since the beginning of Hollywood."

NOSTALGIC MOMENT: Remember when VHS tapes were first mass-marketed in the mid to late 1980's? You never bought them, you only rented them. This is because they were ungodly expensive. This particular VHS is marked $89.95. Isn't that just a trip?

Anyhow, this flick is a mockumentary, narrated by Tony Randall, about pseudostudio Adequate Pictures. It was actually funny at moments, depending on how you define the word "moment." I'm going for a period of time which lasts approximately 2-3 minutes. If that matches your personal definition, great. If you say a "moment" should be, oh, 10 minutes or so - well, then this film was not funny for a moment.

It's rated R because it has some crude parts and gratuitous nudity, just like everything else released in 1990. There were moments that my 11-year old covered his face. There were also times where I covered my face. They usually were not the same parts.

Our Hero portrays Albert Einstein in a snippet called "Einstein on the Bounty," which was about as good as you could expect it to be. He was young and had big, wild hair. It felt like I was looking at my high school annual, rather than watching a movie.

Bright spots: Jerry Stiller and Anne Meara; Bruce Willis; the "Stand-Up Comics for the Poor" sketch. The rest...uh...I don't really remember.

I didn't despise it as much as I have despised the last few films. That's about the biggest compliment I can give this one. For $89.95, I'll sell it to you. Just e-mail me. Hey, don't blame me - I didn't set the price.

A rating? How about a 4.5, because of Anne Meara's "interview" segment where she says, "my daughter hated me, but hey, you can't love everybody."

Review #61 - America (1986)

Here it is, my little chickens - movie #3 from the Barf Bag. I bring you... "America."

"Discover America. Where anyone may become rich and famous in an instant. New York janitor Floyd Praeger has just won $10 million in the state lottery! With stardom, wealth and the city in his pocket, Floyd is now a primetime television interviewee. And here are just the people to capitalize on Floyd's good fortune - the crazy crew at Cable 92! Announcer Earl Justice; Bob Jolly, the sex-crazed weatherman; Tina Lyle, the beautiful, curvaceous sportscaster; and Terrence Hackley (Zach Norman, Romancing the Stone), human interest reporter. Unfortunately for Hackley, life is on the verge of catastrophe. his wife (Tony Award winner, Tammy Grimes) has just found a skirt in his briefcase. Convinced that it's his, she has threatened to divorce him. He's about to lose his job, is there salvation? The station's owner, Mr. Management, is wild with the vision of Hackley in a skirt, searching for action! The publicity, the ratings, the dollars. he promotes Hackley for a new beat - action reporter. Hackley takes to the streets, uncovering every lurid and raucous story he can find. From prison inmates to striking prostitutes, mafia bosses to millionaires, no news goes unreported. The ratings are up, the salaries are up, the gags are up - but the gig may be up when Floyd decides to invest his winnings and buy the station. Meanwhile, Gypsy (Richard Belzer, Night Shift), a cabbie obsessed with ideas of fame and fortune of his own, drives through the station's wall hoping to perform his raunchy comedy routine on the air. What could possibly happen next? Find out by tuning in to this uproarious satire - what Network did to broadcast television, America does to cable!"

I kid you not, that behemoth is the movie summary on the back of the box. To fit all of it on, it is in the tiniest little print you have ever seen. I got out my Hubble and was able to make it out, and transcribe it for you herein. All for science, my friends. All for science.

Well, I'm sure you recall my love of RDSR's movies - yes, this film is another Senior Moment. 90 minutes of nausea. I almost briefly smiled once, when the anchorman was mugged while walking down a dark street - his loss was a dead cat in a paper bag that he was toting around on behalf of a viewer. Yes, it was so clever, it almost made my eyes refocus.

Our Hero played somebody's son for about 30 seconds in the beginning of the film. I'd give you more detail, but then I'd have to remember back to the beginning, and I just don't think I can bring myself to do that.

If yesterday's turd bomb was a 1, I'll give this one a 1.2 so as not to give the impression that I'm overly harsh.

On a happy note - Iron Man 2 is coming out on DVD on September 28th. Thank God for small favors.

Review #60 - Too Much Sun (1991)

Another VHS, courtesy of the Satchel from Hell:

"Robert Downey, Jr., Eric Idle, Ralph Macchio, Andrea Martin, and Leo Rossi star in this zany comedy of sexual confusion among the very rich. As the two eccentric children of a Beverly Hills millionaire, Sonny (Eric Idle) and Bitsy (Andrea Martin) are used to the good life. But when a crooked priest murders their father, they learn that they'll lose their $200 million inheritance unless once of them produces an heir within a year. The ensuing game of sexual musical chairs is further complicated by the arrival of Robert Downey, Jr. and Ralph Macchio as a pair of two-bit hustlers willing to be "adopted" for the right price. Directed by counter-culture hero Robert Downey (who also directed Putney Swope and Up the Academy), Too Much Sun is a raunchy and irreverent look at the lives of the rich and famous."

So, when I started this little Project 9 months ago, I figured that I'd learn a little about RDJR, and I guess I have. What I didn't anticipate was learning something about RDSR. I didn't even know such a person existed a year ago. CLARIFICATION: Well, obviously I understand how babies are conceived, and I understood that there was a Robert Downey Sr. on the planet...I MEANT that I didn't know he was a filmmaker. Geesh, do I have to explain everything?

Anyhow, Robert Downey Sr., rogue filmmaker, "counter-culture hero", has a REAL PROBLEM with religion. He has managed to bash Christians in all his films I've seen so far...and, unfortunately, I haven't yet completed my counter-culture viewing opportunities. Ugh. I think he actually has an equation for his films: (T + A) + (Christian bashing) - (Plot) = Movie. Methinks somebody needs to put the camera down and get himself a wee bit of therapy.

This film was made to be endured, not enjoyed. If you are into meditation, and want to test your tenacity at remaining focused upon your inner self, plug this one into your VCR. I guarantee that you will put yourself into whatever state is necessary to prevent making eye contact with the TV. Yes, I said VCR - for some reason, this gem hasn't made it to dvd.

Toback would watch this and think it's stupid. That's how incredibly moronic it is.

So, I'm going with a 1. Again.

2 out of the bag, 1 to go.

Review #59 - Rented Lips (1987)

Before I start my in-depth analysis, I have a little anecdotal side note for you.

As of the end of this week, I am in possession of 3 "new" (to me) VHS tapes of RDJR movies. As each arrived in the mail, I looked at the cover, read the back, and threw up a little in my mouth. I knew better than to save the sludge until the end. But, alas, I was lulled into complacency by the convenience of Netflix. Now I pay the price in film lover's purgatory of dvd non-releases from the 80's.

Anyhow, I also recently subscribed to Vogue, and they sent me this little canvas tote bag as a thank you. How nice. Just what every American woman needs, another free tote bag. I tossed it under my desk, and as each of these cinematic wonders arrived, I stuck it in the bag. I then decided to name the bag. I came up with these:

1. The Barf Bag
2. Bag of Horrors
3. Icky Bag
4. Satchel from Hell

So, after you read our review, please cast your vote as to the official bag name, or come up with one of your own.

Anyhow, there's work to be done. Here's what the back of the box had to say:

"Archie (Martin Mull) and Charlie (Dick Shawn) are "serious" filmmakers whose biggest hit to date, "Aluminum, Your Shiny Friend", hasn't exactly set the box offices on fire. All this is about to change when sleazy producer Bill Slotnick (Shelley Berman) talks the twosome into finish up a dirty movie called "Rented Lips", starring Wolf Dangler (Robert Downey Jr) and Mona Lisa (Jennifer Tilly). Archie and Charlie always wanted to make a "real" movie; now they get the chance - from the bottom up!"

I would rather sit in a bathtub filled with ice water, with a tazer in one hand and a rabid dog chewing on the other, than sit through this film again. I would rather eat dirt. I would rather clean the refrigerator with my toothbrush. I would rather just not do it.

Believe it or not - I have one positive thing to say. RDJR was pretty darned funny, even though he was still really young. Go figure. So, for about 5 minutes of this 82 minute film, I didn't wish I was getting a colonoscopy instead.

So, for a number, let's go with...oh... a 1.

One out of the bag, two to go.

Review #58 - Danger Zone (1996)

Another VHS treat for you all, from the back of the box: "A mining engineer races to clear his name and save millions of lives in this plot-twisting action adventure! Under the specter of civil war, a small African country is plagued by a second, deadlier threat: a lost cargo of toxic waste that could decimate millions of innocent tribesmen. Only Rick Morgan (Billy Zane), an American mining expert with a haunted past knows how to locate the leaking cargo. But maverick ex-spy (Robert Downey Jr) and a US envoy (Ron Silver) each have their own vested interests in Morgan's mission. As he journeys into the heart of this politically divided DANGER ZONE, Morgan unwittingly becomes a pawn in an international game of greed and conspiracy!"

There we go again with the exclamation marks.

Well, my little chickens, let's mix it up a little tonight. Rather than our usual review - as scintillating as those are - let's list:

Life Lessons from DANGER ZONE

1. There are 3 types of people in Africa: "tribesmen", "militia", and "rebels."

2. RDJR should never, NEVER, EVER adopt a Southern accent.

3. Billy Zane looks normal without hair. With hair, he doesn't look like Billy Zane.

4. Women scientists specializing in "radioactivity" evidently don't know that drinking radioactive water is bad.

5. Women scientists must always wear chamois-colored skin-tight pants and white shirts when in Africa, and those shirts never get dirty.

6. You can get a horrible gash in your leg and still hike up a waterfall, even though you need Billy Zane to help you walk on level ground.

7. If you are an African "rebel", you can get shot with an automatic assault weapon in the upper left shoulder, and you really don't get hurt all that badly. In fact, with said wound, you can still throw large boxes filled with guns and ammunition from a moving train.

8. Conversely, if you are an African "militia", your enemy just needs to wave a gun in your general direction and you fall to the ground, instantly dead.

9. Jumping from excessively high altitudes isn't dangerous, so long as you are jumping into water.

And last, but certainly not least:

10. There's no such thing as getting your ass kicked. You just keep throwing and receiving punches until someone either gets their neck broken or falls off the train.


So, all this being said - I had no clue what this movie was about while I was watching it, and after reading the back of the box, I'm still not quite sure what happened. It's definitely a 3.

Review #57 - Restoration (1995)

From the back of the box: "Meg Ryan and Robert Downey, Jr. head a superb cast of stars in this stylish and provocative story of love, power and seduction! Robert Merivel (Downey) is a young man who seems to have everything...until a passionate affair leads to scandal, suddenly leaving him heartbroken and penniless. But it's only after losing it all that Merivel discovers who he really is and - with the love of a beautiful woman (Ryan) - becomes the man he could never dreamed he could be! Also featuring Sam Neill and Hugh Grant, this critically acclaimed and entertaining motion picture won two 1995 Academy Awards for Best Achievement in Art Direction and Costume Design!"

Exclamation points? Dude, really?? Those were not my doing, I assure you. That's really how it's written on the box.

I tried soooo hard to like this film. Really, I did. When it came in the mail today, I showed it off to my coworkers like it was a little cocker spaniel puppy. "Look what I get to watch! Doesn't it look GOOD?!" And I love period pieces. So I was excited to use the VCR tonight for the first time in at least a year.

At first glance, it reminded me of a made-for-TV BBC film with extra nudity. The credits, music, everything smacks of "TV movie." Maybe a nice 3-night miniseries on Masterpiece Theater. I was actually cool with that; far be it from me to be a cinematic snob.

I would say it "lost steam" after the first 20 minutes, but that would be to insinuate that any such steam existed in the first place. It was 118 minutes long, which ya could have fooled me, because it felt like a 2 1/2 hour movie. Seriously. It completely lacked any focus as it droned on...and on...and on. It actually reminded me of Chaplin in that way.

I know - I did it again. Trashed Chaplin. Please forgive.

Anyhow, I am now the proud owner of a VHS tape of Restoration. If you so desire, you may borrow it. Keep it for as long as you want. If your VCR eats the tape, no worries. I'm okay with that.

On the tape jacket, it says that Siskel and Ebert gave this "two thumbs up." They fail to mention that they are referring to Jack Siskel and Tom Ebert, the costuming guys.

I give it a 6 for being dull...long...booooorrring.

Review #56 - Luck, Trust & Ketchup: Robert Altman in Carver Country (1993)

This documentary is part of the "bonus features" from the film "Short Cuts". We reviewed "Short Cuts", a film based upon a series of short stories by Raymond Carver, a while back. We loved it, but it was waaaaaaay too long at over 3 hours.



Anyhow, my first thought about this flick was, "hey, I've read Raymond Carver...he wrote 'Catbird Seat'." And then I realized that was James Thurber. So now I can't honestly recall if I've read any Raymond Carver. Chime in, dearest reader, if you have. Did you know that Raymond Carver was a local boy? That's right, born and raised in Yakima. So now I'm obligated, as a fellow eastern Washingtonian, to read his work.



The documentary was really interesting, but don't bother watching it until you've seen Short Cuts, or it will ruin a few pivotal plot points for you. Watching filmmaking in progress is fascinating...if you've never watched one of these types of documentaries, pick out your favorite dvd and scan the Special Features section. There's probably something on it about "The Making of" whatever. If you don't think it's so fascinating....sorry.



The absolute best part was when RDJR came on for his interview and used the word "tertiary" in a sentence. I was impressed.



Anyhow, I give it a 9 because it held my attention for 90 minutes, which is no small feat, and that's also what I probably would have given Short Cuts, if it wasn't so flippin' long.

Review #53 - Gothika (2003)

A summary, thanks to Netflix: "A criminal psychologist (Halle Berry) awakens to find that she's a patient in the same mental institution where she works; she's being accused of murdering her husband (Charles S. Dutton), but has no memory of committing the murder as she tries to regain her memory and convince her co-workers of her innocence, a vengeful spirit uses her as an earthly pawn, which further convinces everyone of her guilt."

Are you into horror/suspense flicks that are, thankfully, not gory? Do you have rather low expectations as to dialogue when watching same? Have you consumed a little wine during the opening credits?

If you can answer "yes" to all of these, you probably will think this movie is okay. The dialogue was pretty cheesy. RDJR's character never really did anything useful, other than to provide the momentary "is he actually the bad guy?" diversion. There were parts where you really didn't know what/why/when. But - it was entertaining.

And, hello, when people come back in spirit form to avenge their deaths, they are supposed to be NICE to the person who is helping them exact their vengeance. DUH. Everyone knows that, except the screenplay writer in this case.

Would I run right out and rent it? Probably not. But if it comes on HBO some night, and you have nothing better to do, go ahead and watch it.

I give it a 6.

Review #52 - Lucky You (2006)

Netflix says: "Eric Bana (Troy) stars as a gifted young poker player working to beat his personal demons and win the World Series of Poker in Las Vegas. In the process, he connects with a struggling musician (Drew Barrymore) and his obstinate father (Robert Duvall). A bevy of real-life poker aces, including Daniel Negreanu, Doyle Brunson, Marsha Waggoner and Jennifer Harman, co-star in this drama from Academy Award-winning director Curtis Hanson."

Since he's not mentioned, RDJR plays Eric Bana's friend, who's running a 900-number operation in Vegas. He had, oh, 3 minutes of screen time.

I envision this conversation:

RDJR: "Good morning, Mr. Agent. I'm 2 months behind on my car loan. Get me a job."

AGENT: "I can get you 3 minutes on screen with Eric Bana and you don't have to kiss him."

RDJR: "Sold."

I can find no other possible reason for Our Hero to take such a minor role.

Anyway, if you are interested in a Vegas trip but haven't made it out there yet, watch this movie first...because it turns out, dearest reader, that Las Vegas is a really boring place. Eric Bana is a professional gambler who's always broke. Drew Barrymore (my bff in an alternate universe) is a bar singer who can't sing. Robert Duvall is a really bad dad. For 2 hours, they hang out in rather trashy casinos and exchange meaningful, intense stares. Seriously. I couldn't find anything about this film that I really hated, but it was truly dull. Las Vegas = mayo on white bread. Who knew.

So, either skip the Vegas trip or watch Ocean's 11, one of the coolest flicks ever. It might psyche you up again for that Vegas trip. Otherwise, go to Disneyland.

I give this one a 5.

Review #51 - Two Girls and a Guy (1998)

Okay, here it is. "Writer and director James Toback (Black and White) explores a contemporary love triangle in this comedy/drama. When two girls (Heather Graham and Natasha Gregson Wagner) find themselves waiting outside an apartment building, they come to realize they're there to meet the same guy (Robert Downey Jr.)--who's been sleeping with them both! Armed with this knowledge, the girls break into the guy's apartment and prepare for the ambush."

This is a poop-encrusted, maggot-dropping stray dog. The acting was abysmal. The plot made me want to gouge my eyes out and curl up in a fetal position.

There is not enough money in the world to convince me to watch the "commentary."

I have sacrificed 90 minutes and a few million brain cells for you, dearest reader. Save yourselves, I will continue to hold Toback down until you are all in the clear.

This movie gets a big..fat..round...ZERO.

Review #50 - Back to School (1986)

Pause with me for a moment, dearest reader - 5 1/2 months into The Project, we are at #50. I don't think I've ever done any one thing 50 times in my entire life. Okay, I know what your mind automatically went to, and you should be ashamed of yourself. What would your mother think?

You see, science has transformed me into a dedicated, focused Woman of Valor who will stop at nothing until she has viewed...them...all.

Even this one with Rodney Dangerfield.

So, let's do it. Cue Netflix: "This wacky comedy stars Rodney Dangerfield as self-made millionaire Thornton Melon, who decides to get a better education and enrolls at son Jason's college. While Jason (Keith Gordon) struggles just to fit in with his snobbish fellow students, Thornton struggles to gain his son's respect - giving way to hilarious antics. Sally Kellerman co-stars as an English professor who encourages father and son to stick out their first year despite the odds."

You know what I loved about this movie? It was made in 1986. Okay, Oingo Boingo was in it. Hello. Keith "I thought I'd have a career after I starred in Christine, but I guess not" Gordon was in it. And, of course, Our Hero was in it, with his pre-capped cute little gap between his teeth.

Rodney Dangerfield was a dirtball, and guess what. In this movie - he was a dirtball. No big stretch.

However, I must confess - I did not want to gouge my eyes out, as I had anticipated I certainly would by minute 23. It had some cute little parts, if you pretend like you haven't already heard those Dangerfield zingers 50 thousand times. ("Hey, don't knock my wife. She gives good headache.")

I realized that I didn't see this movie when it was released back in 1986. In a Back to the Future-type moment, I guarantee you that if I had, my life would have been forever altered; because I would have fallen head over heels for Our Hero. He had whacked-out hair and dressed like Paul Revere and the Raiders. I was so totally into that in the 80's, I would have written him a letter proposing marriage on the spot, as soon as my braces came off and I could get to California.

But, alas, I didn't see the film. I didn't write the letter. Instead I watched Miami Vice. And look at me now...a rip in the time-space continuum and now I'm in the armpit of Washington instead of the pearl of California. Bummer, dude.

A number...a number. Well, I didn't want to hang myself during the credits, but it was still pretty pointless. I'll go with a 5.

Review #49 - The Shaggy Dog (2006)

From our friends at Netflix: "In this remake of the classic Disney comedy - retooled for contemporary audiences - harried attorney Dave Douglas (Tim Allen) finds himself cuddling up to his wife (Kristin Davis) and kids (Zena Grey and Spencer Breslin) in his new role as the family pet and becoming is own best friend. The supporting cast includes "SNL" alum Jane Curtin and Robert Downey Jr., who plays an odious yuppie capitalist."

First disclaimer - I've seen bits and pieces of this movie a half dozen times, but never all the way through. I also did not see the original version. Go figure.

Again I am faced with losing any and all respect that you, my dearest reader, may have for me. You see me as witty, wise, sarcastic, profoundly hip? Why, yes, I am. But I still liked this movie.

It was not without missteps. Kristin Davis - too young to be "mom" and wife to Tim Allen. Sorry. But the courtroom scenes were fabulous. And, I must confess, I like Tim Allen. There, I said it. I am bourgeois to the extreme. Let's all go to Costco and eat a hot dog in our NASCAR t-shirts. So shoot me.

Our Hero plays Mr. Jerk, and of course he does it well. I'm not entirely sold on RDJR doing family movies. He oozes crassness, even when he doesn't try to...which is fabulous in all his "normal" films, but disconcerting in a kid flick. Eddie Murphy was able to make that leap successfully. I just don't see Our Hero doing it.

Am now wondering if "crassness" is a word. "Crassisity"? "Crassundity"? "Crassfularity"?

You get the idea.

So, I'm going to give it an 8 and go get me some pork rinds at Wal-Mart.

Review #48 - In Dreams (1999)

Netflix spoke to me in a dream, and they said: "Claire Cooper's (Annette Bening) peaceful family life takes a chilling turn when a mysterious serial killer (Robert Downey Jr) invades her seemingly idyllic New England town and starts haunting her dreams with dark clues to his next deadly moves. Unable to convince the police, her doctor or even her husband of her link with the madman, Claire must confront the killer alone, before another terrifying dream becomes a reality."

All righty then.

This movie reminded me of "What Lies Beneath". You remember, Harrison Ford and Michelle Pfieffer? Right now, you are either nodding your head and saying, "ahhh", or you have moved on to the next paragraph.

First observation: Annette Bening plays nutso really well. Second observations: So does Our Hero.

So, it turns out that RDJR's character kills Annette Bening's little girl and her husband, and ties up her dog. This obviously has an adverse affect on Annette's psyche, as she is haunted by dreams of the killer's next moves. In the end, she wins out because she starts "haunting" the killer. A lot of other stuff happens in the middle, but you get the gist.

Did I like it? Yep. My only criticism would be the number of F bombs that Annette and her husband drop when they are talking to each other. "Honey, I'm going to the f--ing store and buy some f---ing bread. Do you f---ing need anything?" Okay, perhaps a slight script stretch. But again, you get the gist.

So, if you like creepy movies, you would probably like this one. I'll go with a 7.5.

Review #47 - Bowfinger (1999)

Per Netflix: "Kit Ramsey (Eddie Murphy) is Hollywood's biggest star. Bobby Bowfinger (Steve Martin) is Hollywood's smallest player. Together, they're Hollywood's hottest team...only one of them doesn't know it. it's Eddie Murphy and Steve Martin - together for the first time - in the hit comedy Bowfinger!"

Well, I bet you didn't know that RDJR was in this one, did you. Well, he was, for about 5 seconds.

Maybe it's my 80's upbringing - but I am predispositioned to love this. I mean, come on. Eddie Murphy AND Steve Martin? Hello? Eddie Murphy is a mentally unstable action star (go figure) and Steve Martin has a velcro pony tail that he sticks in his pocket when not in use. What's not to love, I ask you? What's not to love?

I think I've seen this one before...but it's been 11 years, so maybe I'm just remembering previews. Anyhow, it was funny. Silly funny without being sick funny or vulgar funny. You can tell it was made 11 years ago, I guess. What a shame that nobody seems to make comedies like this anymore.

Okay, descending from my soapbox - I give it an 8, because I loved it. Insert appropriate low-brow comment here. Go ahead, I can take it.

Review #46 - Short Cuts: The Film (1993)

Per our homeys at Netflix: "Robert Altman's mosaic masterpiece, based on Raymond Carver's short stories, presents a variety of characters --including a baker, a phone -sex provider and a clown --whose stale lives intersect and are forever altered through simple twists of fate. This moving tale's all-star cast includes Tim Robbins, Madeline Stowe, Bruce Davison, Andie MacDowell, Jack Lemmon and Anne Archer. Rated R, 3 hours and 9 minutes."

Well, this film has already broken the first commandment of Tina's Laws of Filmmaking: "Thou shalt not exceed 2 hours in length without a really, really good reason." 3 hours? Are you frickin' kidding me????

Setting that aside for now and moving on. Interesting bit of trivia for ya - there's a documentary on the making of this film which is also on "the list". It's found on certain editions of the DVD, but not, of course, the one I have from Netflix - which means I'm probably going to have to buy this movie just to get the additional stuff to review the documentary.

Watching this one was a lot like watching a soap opera. Not listed in our "all-star cast list" is Julianne Moore, who I love because she used to be on As The World Turns. Anyhow, Julianne's performance was stellar, except for the gratuitous frontal nudity shot of her airstrip bikini wax that lasted a good 3 or 4 minutes, as she used her blow dryer on her skirt while wearing only a top. I mean, really. Am I the only woman on the planet who wears panties anymore???

And Tim Robbins. My buddy Tim. I love his acting and hate his political views. He was wonderful. So NOT a Tim Robbins role, his character was a complete jackass - which made it even better.

The most unexpected moment would have to be when Huey Lewis peed in the river. I saw parts of Huey that I never anticipated seeing in this lifetime.

Anyway, all these characters end up intertwined (as The Bard at Netflix told us they would) in the most unexpected ways. But it was too long. I would completely cut out the story of the phone sex girl (she was in Single White Female with Bridget Fonda; I can't remember her name, what do I look like, Wikipedia?) and her husband (Sean Penn's brother), whose storyline unfortunately included Our Hero. Yes, I said it. The film would be better if you cut out Robert Downey. Don't get me wrong, he and Cris Penn were both creepily interesting, especially at the end of the movie - but the balance of their storyline was just so lame, and the movie was way too long, that deleting their storyline would have improved the film overall.

Don't be hating on me, now. I am, above all else, objective.

So there you have it. If you can stand to watch a 3-hour movie that has a lot of frontal nudity and phone-sex talk, Tim Robbins will make it worth your while. If you do, and you hate it, don't blame me - I TOLD you it was too long and dirty.

I give this one a 7 - which is sad, because it could have been a contender.