Review # 63 - Greaser's Palace (1972)

So, I've got a few hours to kill this morning. My son is at a friend's house. I've been packing all week, and I'm tired of it - plus I'm out of boxes. I don't have to be to work until 2:30. God forbid I do something crazy, like CLEAN. So I decided to watch a movie.

Back the train up. I can't function in the a.m. without a latte'. So at 8:45 this morning, I got in the car and headed for the fruit stand, my nearest source of espresso. Well, once I was in the car, I figured - hey, I'm out anyway, let's drive 10 more miles and get a donut at Safeway and a better latte' at The Pumphouse. And this, dear reader, is what I did. My 15 minute latte' run actually took 50 minutes, but I got the drink I wanted and 2 donuts. So I'm cool now.

Our feature today is "Greaser's Palace," made in 1972 by Robert Downey Sr. (here we go again) and provided via Amazon.com's "Video on Demand" feature. Here's their summary:

"A combination of the Old West and the New Testament; a zoot-suited drifter (Allan Arbus) discovers his true calling and begins to perform miracles. What he really prefers though is doing his boogie-woogie song-and-dance act. In his wanderings he attracts many followers and finally gets to play The Palace, a saloon run by ruthless Seaweed Greaser (Albert Henderson). The act is a success, but Greaser's spoiled daughter, Cholera (Luana Anders), his hitherto star, is furious--"A man with holes in his hands is a bigger hit than me?"--and all according to the Gospel of cult filmmaker Robert Downey (Putney Swope, Pound). "

Okay, where to start. Well, the Jesus-type was played by the guy who was the psychiatrist on MASH, which was kinda fun. I always liked his voice. Our Hero played "little boy", which was appropriate, since in 1972 he was a little boy. Here's the kicker, folks - "little boy" gets his THROAT SLIT about 10 minutes into the movie. As Dana Carvey would say, isn't that SPECIAL. Can you imagine the dinnertime conversations at the Downey house, circa 1971?

(6 p.m., Downey house. All are seated around the dinner table.)

RDSR: (Waves meatloaf-laden fork at wife to get her attention.) Honey, I'd like Junior to be in my next film. He'll play a little kid who gets his throat slit. Any problem with that?

MRS. RDSR: Oh, no, dear. I trust you implicitly. I foresee absolutely no issues with our young, impressionable son having his throat slit on film while his daddy watches. In fact, I predict our little boy will be a straight-A Harvard grad and a productive member of society. (turns to RDJR) What do you think, honey? Doesn't that sound like a FUN time with daddy?

RDJR: (Making mashed potato mountain featuring a pentagram carved into the side and crooking his little pinkie finger) REDRUM. REDRUM.

RDSR: Well, then, it's settled. I think this is a capital idea. I'm so glad I thought of it. I believe I'll write a parenting book.

Back to my review. I broke my cardinal rule (again) and read a few of the reviews posted on Amazon. I did wait until the film was over, so I only really BENT the rule. One guy said, "Five people can watch this film. One will love it, four will hate it, but all five will never forget it."

I mostly agree with that statement; however, I guarantee you that I will forget this film as soon as I possibly can, resorting to hypnosis if necessary.

This little nugget will be available on DVD soon. I can't possibly imagine why. It was vulgar, idiotic, poorly written, filmed, edited and dubbed; it was silly, stupid, unimaginative, and crass. It was one joke over and over and over. And the joke wasn't even funny the first time.

I give it a 1.