Review #36 - Dear America: Letters from Vietnam (1988)

This documentary of the Vietnam War featured letters from home read by just about every working actor in 1988, along with actual footage from the war - nothing reenacted. It was amazing. If you haven't seen it, see it now.

I can't do my usual witty review, because I sit here, lacerated by what I've seen. All I could think was - my God..my son...my son...my God...my son.

Do you know what it's like to have feelings of profound and overwhelming dread come over you at random times? To suddenly and irrationally fear going home or looking out the window, because you envision an Army officer standing at your door, waiting to tell you that your child is dead? My son is surrounded by people who would love nothing more than to decapitate him and drag his body down the streets of Bagdad. Do you know how that feels? Can you possibly imagine?

And yes, my dearly beloved husband, who is supposedly my rock of Gibralter through all this - you, you fine upstanding man, have never ONCE asked me how I am...never ONCE held me as I cried...NEVER ONCE interrupted your precious 8 hours a night on the internet to tend to my broken mother's heart. Whatever may befall YOU, endure it alone - because you can be damned sure I won't be there.

In the interest of time, dear public, let me answer all the "usual" barrage of questions at once. NO, I never hear from my son. NO, I have no idea how he is. NO, I don't know what he does every day, and NO, I have absolutely no support at home. YES, I'm just thrilled that your sister hears from her son in Iraq every day of the friggin' week. That makes me so happy I could just vomit all over your shoes from the joy of it all. Thank you so much for MENTIONING IT every time you see me, because I love being reminded that you have what I don't. NO, I don't know when I'll see my son again.

Dear God...my son...my son...my son.

Review #35 - Iron Man (2008)

From the back of the box:

"Suit up for action with Robert Downey Jr. in the ultimate adventure movie you've been waiting for, Iron Man! When jet-setting genius-industrialist Tony Stark is captured in enemy territory, he builds a high-tech suit of armor to escape. Now, he's on a mission to save the world as a hero who's built, not born, to be unlike any other. Co-starring Gwyneth Paltrow, Terrence Howard and Jeff Bridges, it's a fantastic, high-flying journey that is hugely entertaining."

In the interest of science - and you, dear reader, know that I do all in the interest of science - I watched this movie last night for what I believe was the 5th time. I had to do SOMETHING to cleanse my brain of "Hot Tub Time Machine," which I watched yesterday afternoon at the theater. That one made "Friends and Lovers" look like, well, Iron Man. (See prior review of Friends and Lovers, and if you still want to blow $20, go see Hot Tub Time Machine. If not, send me your $20 for sparing your eyes and brain cells.) I didn't pay to get in and I STILL wanted my money back. Just say no, babe. Just say no.

Anyhoo, I came home and watched Iron Man again because I knew that I hadn't reviewed it yet, and I'm "between movies" with Netflix. If you are one of the few unfortunates who hasn't actually SEEN Iron Man, stop reading immediately and go buy it at Wal-Mart. I adore, adore, adore Iron Man. Every thing about it is cool. Tony Stark is cool. The music is cool. The red and gold suit is cool. Remember how great the first Spider-Man was? Well, Iron Man is better than Spider-Man.

I want to point out the whack performance by Jeff Bridges, which is something I don't ever remember hearing about in the many, many reviews of Iron Man. In an action film, you discover something profound about its players. Either they can act, or they can't. Either they run the plot, or the plot runs them. RDJR and Jeff Bridges were in charge the entire time, there's no doubt about it.

So, for the first 3 or so times I watched it, I wasn't sure if Gwyneth was the best casting for Pepper Potts - as if a player like Tony Stark wouldn't be all over her from day one - but she's growing on me (and nobody asked me who to cast, go figure). I do take issue with her ridiculous shoes, however; they are completely out of character. She's wearing, like, 5-inch heels the whole time.

Iron Man 2 - 39 more days.

Need I even type the number - Iron Man is a 10. Yes, I liked it better than Sherlock.

Review #34 - The Singing Detective (2003)

For your consideration, from Netflix: "A Chicago novelist (Robert Downey Jr.) lies bedridden and feverish with an extreme case of psoriasis. Out of boredom, he rewords (in his own mind) the story of his first novel, The Singing Detective, putting himself in the role of the title character, who's in hot pursuit of Nazis in the 1940's. Based on the titular 1986 BBC miniseries, the movie co-stars Robin Wright Penn, Mel Gibson, Katie Holmes and Carla Gugino."

I must say...that pretty much sums it up. Except for the Nazis. There are no Nazis. When I read the summary, in anticipation of receiving this movie in the mail, I had a hard time wrapping my mind around the "concept." How about you, dear reader? You've read it - do you get it?

Yep, pretty strange film. I honestly don't know what to say, because I'm still not sure what I saw - other than lots of sex. (That I still recognize, although the memory is fading). Mel Gibson was funny...funny...funny. I love me some Mel, it's the 80's girl coming out.

And, as you can probably guess, if you've been on this little journey with me for 34 films - I liked this movie. I didn't love it. I'm not dying over it. But I liked it. Kinda how I like corn dogs. You know, sometimes you just really want a corn dog - but the other 364 days a year, you don't really think about them.

So, I'll go with a 7. That seems generous, but what can I say, I'm a benevolent girl.

Good Night, and Good Luck...Staying Asleep

So, I've developed a great new little quirk. I go to bed at the normal time, take about an hour to fall asleep (don't worry yet, dear reader - that's normal) and then, BOING, wake up every single night at 2:30 a.m. I then stay awake until around 4:30, when sleep again claims me for a little while...and then, boom, Mr. Alarm Clock goes off.

I've tried Melatonin, which used to work, but no longer does. I've tried Tylenol PM, which cuts that initial hour of falling asleep down to about 30 minutes, but doesn't keep me asleep. As I can see it, my options are now either to start drinking, or go to the doctor and get some sleeping pills.

Neither option particularly appeals to me. I don't drink, never have been a drinker. Plus I'm too cheap to keep a steady stream of nice red wine flowing in my house. And the doctor's office? PLEASE. Do you know how many germs are in that place? I have to be comatose and unable to make my own medical decisions before I set foot in some germ-infested swine flu petri dish clinic.

Plus, then I'd become one of those pathetic souls who is ON SOMETHING. Ugh. "Hi, I'm Tina. I'd be really hot if I wasn't ON SOMETHING. However, since I have 'sleep issues', I'm ON SOMETHING to help and now my life revolves around that THING I'm ON."

An unhealthy relationship with medications, you say? MOI, dear reader? Point taken.

On a side note, I found someone on the internet who has a copy of "Mr. Willowby's Christmas Tree" for sale. What, you ask, is that? Well, you will just have to endure the sweet agony of postponed gratification.

10 days.

I was just tooling around on amazon.com, for no reason other than sheer boredom - and discovered that Sherlock Holmes will be out on DVD on March 30th.

I think I just peed a little.

A Senior Moment

So, it's Friday night, and you know what that means, my little chickens - time for a movie review.

This evening I watched "To Live and Die in LA" (1985) and here's what Netflix had to say about it:

"After ace counterfeiter Rick Masters (Willem Dafoe) murders the partner of Secret Service agent Richard Chance (William Petersen), the gumshoe will stop at nothing to even the score. Big problem, though: Masters is, well, a master at the game and outfoxes Chance at every turn. Can Chance outwit him? William Friedkin directs this suspenseful, violent thriller with the City of Angels (a misnomer in this case) as the alluring backdrop."

Yes, it features Willem Dafoe, crazy/sexy. Even better, the opening credits tell us "Music by Wang Chung." Hello. I also am well-stocked with Diet Doctor Pepper and Milano cookies. I'm ready, baby. Bring it.

Robert Downey plays "Thomas Bateman" in this fine American classic, and I was on the lookout for him, knowing that he was only around 20 at the time. I looked and watched. And looked and watched.

And looked and watched. Sigh.

Guess who was a no-show? That would be our hero. So, after watching this masterpiece, I consult my friend Google. Turns out that Mr. Robert Downey SENIOR portrays "Thomas Bateman." Another sigh.

Even though I didn't even have to watch it - I tried to like this movie. Really, I did. It contained every single facet a diamond from the 80's should - synthesized music, gratuitous nudity, skin-tight acid-washed jeans. But alas, my diamond did not sparkle.

I used to think that "Minority Report" contained the worst chase scene ever filmed. I now stand corrected. This one takes the cake. And excuse me, but why, exactly, is our protagonist a "bad cop"? Inquiring minds would like to know. I liked the film's style (don't ask me what it is, what do I look like, NYU film school alum?) but at some point I, the adoring audience, needs to actually CARE about the good guy. Didn't happen.

So, 2 pieces of advice, my dear reader. Do not trust Netflix's list of "Robert Downey JUNIOR" movies as the gospel, and do not bother renting this one.

Just Saying

I've been looking over my blog - and I've watched a lot of frickin' movies. Just saying.

U R LAME, R U NOT?

So, when you have one of these handy-dandy Google blogs, there's this little button on your dashboard called "next blog" which allows you to take a little peeksie at other people's work. It's like blog window-shopping.

I fully admit that I am not the next Janet Evanovich, Stephen King, John Grisham, (insert your favorite contemporary novelist here). I'm not even the next Jackie Collins. I'm just your average schmoe. But you know what? After hitting "next blog" a dozen times, let me tell you - I'm feeling like freakin' Hemingway. My river is wide and deep.

Why, why, WHY are there a bazillion blogs containing countless posts, each featuring little moppets with names like "Sophie" and "Cayden" who go to Baby Gap, eat only organic produce and learn about the evils of global warming at play group? Day...after...day...after...day. Come, now, dear reader. Be real with me, as I always (usually) am with you. Would you read this stuff? Better stated - would you FOLLOW it?

What do you want to bet that Sophie's mom fantasizes about driving her hybrid through the front door of the 7-11, guzzling a Big Gulp filled with straight corn syrup whilst shovelling Smoke-a-ronis and sucking Marlboros like Uncle Clem at an Ozark family reunion?

Fear not, my friends. I will struggle on for the sake of science, and provide you with stimulating thought and fearless movie reviews. Guaranteed to be Cayden-free.

Next blog.

Review #33 - The Gingerbread Man (1998)

A summary from Netflix: "Successful Georgia attorney Rick Magruder (Kenneth Branaugh) becomes obsessed with sultry client Mallory Doss (Embeth Davidtz) in this atmospheric thriller penned by John Grisham and directed by Robert Altman. When Magruder attempts to protect Doss from her religious fanatic father (Robert Duvall), the barrister soon finds his career - and his children - under threat. Tom Berenger, Robert Downey Jr and Daryl Hannah costar."

RDJR plays private detective Clyde. He manages to look only semi-sober throughout the entire film. I'm guessing a portion of that time he was actually in character. Frankly, I would have taken a hit on anything offered to me if it would have made this bucket of dog spit go by faster. I'm feeling your pain, RD.

I firmly believe that you know if a movie is going to be any good or not in the first few minutes. Iron Man opens with Tony Stark riding through the Afghanistan mountainside in a Humvee, crystal tumbler of booze in hand, while AC/DC blasts in an old-school boom box. That's how you open a film, baby.

On the other hand, when your "sultry" lead female takes off all her clothes, sobs "My daddy ain't gonna git no better!" and has sex with Kenneth Branaugh...well...you get the idea.

An hour and 54 minutes that I'll never get back. This movie is definitely a 1.

Review #32 - Good Night, and Good Luck (2005)

Well, enough of yesterday's unpleasantness. I am not one to wallow in anything, especially self-pity and remorse. So, dear reader, today we forage ahead.

I just finished watching "Good Night, and Good Luck." Here's what the back of the box has to say:

"It's 1953, and the piece of talking furniture called TV is still a novelty in America's living rooms. On it, Sen. Joseph McCarthy uses fear, falsehoods and belligerence to become arguably the most powerful man in the land. On it, newsman Edward R. Murrow, who's had his fill of the senator's tactics, fights back. That pivotal clash of two titans is the focus of director/co-writer George Clooney's award-winning "Good Night, and Good Luck". David Strathairn portrays Murrow, the principled "face of television" who maps his strategy with his producer and confidant, Fred Friendly (Clooney). A deft ensemble plays staff members in the bustling battleground that is the CBS newsroom. McCarthy is in the mix too, intercut into the action via real-life footage. Don't touch that dial. A media and a nation are going to change - while on the air."

So, this film was nominated for wagon-load of Oscars, including Best Picture. I don't know if it actually won anything, because the big Blockbuster sticker covers up that part of the case.

The whole thing is in black and white, which is fortunate if you are a guy, because it makes you look classy - and unfortunate if you are a girl, because it makes you look like a wrinkled hag. Our hero plays a supporting character who is so poorly developed and superfluous to the plotline that I can't even remember his name, and I just watched the film, like, 15 minutes ago.

I'll buy that this was a decent film. I will not buy that this was worthy of a "best picture" nod. In my humble opinion, this is how the Academy decides its Oscar nominations. If you make a decent, but not necessarily great, film about something to do with our constitutional rights, it will be nominated. If you give a decent, but not necessarily great, performance in any kind of film, and then you drop over dead before it's released, you will be nominated. And in that case, you'll probably win, instead of someone who probably deserved it more for his role in Tropic Thunder. But I digress.

I'm sorry to say that character development pretty much fell by the sidelines on this film. It was an inside-the-studio snapshot of what was going on in the world of Media vs. McCarthy. Realistically, the only thing that separated this film as a dramatic work from, say, something you would see on the History Channel is a few dramatic stares from Murrow and a lot of smoking.

The movie was okay...so I give it an okay score - 7.5.

Good night, dearest reader - and Good Luck.

Random Friday Comment Time

Alas, we are at the end of another week. I have in my possession 4 freshly-rented flicks from Blockbuster, 1 of which is for The Project. You will have to wait on pins and needles for the next review to learn its mystery identity; my lips are sealed. The other 3 consist of: a family-friendly movie to watch with my son; an old movie that I'd never gotten around to renting before; and a new release that I didn't get to see in the theater. I swear, it was just here 2 or 3 weeks ago. Isn't it strange how fast movies go to DVD now? Speaking of which, Sherlock should be making an appearance in the near future.

It's been an emotionally draining week. Some days I just wanted to put my kids in the car and start driving, and not stop until I run out of money and/or gas. Given the fact that, as of today, gas is $3.17 a gallon and I get about 20 miles to the gallon, that really won't take long. But still, it's the thought.

There have been times this week when I thought that I didn't have a friend left in the world. There have been other times when one person reassured me that, yes, I do still have ONE.

There have been moments when I've seen the figurative "writing on the wall" for what my future holds, and it's not exactly something to look forward to. There have also been times when I realized that dreading the inevitable isn't going to keep it from happening; it's just going to zap whatever joy I may have between now and then.

I suppose if you are dying, being beaten by a drunk husband, or living in some other hell, you'd probably think I don't have much to complain about. You'd be right. But you know what? As I said to a wise man earlier this week - this is America, and if I want to say something or refuse to say something, I will. Go get your own blog and write about what an idiot I am.

Sometimes life just flat-out sucks. Sometimes we are in situations that we just can't do a jolly good damn thing about. Sometimes people aren't always what they seem, and sometimes you are just stuck with what you have. Sometimes somebody else gets to live your life, and you just get to watch.

On that cheery little note, I think I'll go make some popcorn and fire up the DVD player.

Review #31 - Wonder Boys (2000)

And I'm quoting Netflix: "An endearing slice of life that centers on an unraveling English professor (Michael Douglas) forced to confront his writer's block, fear of aging and irresponsibility as he watches a student (Tobey Maguire) surpass him. Douglas and cast give powerfully realistic performances in this poignant dramedy. Steven Kloves copped an Oscar nod for his faithful adaptation of Michael Chabon's novel."

Wow. What a cast. Michael Douglas, Tobey Maguire, RDJR, and Frances Mcdormand, to name a few. This is gonna be great.

NOT.

Thought number 1, if this is a "faithful adaptation of Michael Chabon's novel," then Michael Chabon's novel is the dullest book ever published.

Thought number 2, how is it possible to make a film with so many likable people, and somehow fail to end up with one single likable character????? Even our hero was completely, well, boring.

What a complete snoozer. If you rent this one, save yourself 90 minutes of time and stop watching after Tobey shoots the blind dog and stuffs him in the trunk. You'll have hit the high notes and can still work in a nice romantic comedy.

This one is a 4 - which rhymes with "snore".

Different Questions, Same Answers

Ah, my dear reader. I've come to learn that many of my friends are also budding scientists. You all have taken such an interest in The Project, it makes my little heart flutter.

Many of you have asked me these questions...so I thought I would address them in this forum for all to see.

Question 1: What actor are you following next year? I recommend (fill in the blank).

Answer: Are you freakin' kidding me? Do you have any idea how much time and effort these movies take to locate, watch, think about, pick up, drop off, search the internet for, and various other sundry activities? My goal is to SURVIVE The Project, not PERPETUATE it.

Question 2: Which movie is your favorite?

Answer: Are you freakin' kidding me? It's really not fair to compare films from completely different genres, in my humble opinion. For example, I love "Only You", but my heart belongs to "Iron Man." There's no way these types of films could compete with one another. And "Tropic Thunder" vs. "Equilibrium"? Please. An unfair fight. I do plan on assembling a "Top 10" as the culmination of The Project, so you'll just have to wait until then.

Question 3: Do you want to go to the theater tonight and see (fill in any non RDJR film here) with me?

Answer: Are you freakin' kidding me? I've got to locate a copy of "Pound" and "Mr. Willowby's Christmas Tree", watch a recorded interview RDJR did on the Jimmy Kimmel show, and review the last Netflix movie I watched. I don't even have time to make pee pee right now.

Question 4: Do you think RDJR will ever read your blog?

Answer: Of course.

RUBBADONNIEJEWER!

Picture it. It's Sunday afternoon, the Oscars haven't started yet, and I'm spending some very inconsequential time on the internet. My 10-year old, Tav, comes bursting through the door in that loud, crashing manner that only a 10-year old boy can achieve, and lets out a piercing microsecond cry: "RUBBADONNIEJEWER!"

To which I, of course, respond..."huh?"

Let me see if I can recreate his response for you...imagine this, all in one breath, his little body bouncing up and down with each word, in a manner reserved for really, really important announcements and/or a full bladder..."Mom-on-TV-it's-Robert-Downey-Jr-hurry-you-are-going-to-miss-him."

Ah. Turns out that "The Shaggy Dog" is on the Disney Channel. Dear reader, you may or may not know that our hero was in this film. Tav pretty much knows "the list". Anyway, I thanked him for his attentiveness and concern, and told him that we would review it when we could watch it on DVD without commercial interruption.

He then suggested we go to Blockbuster and see if we can find any other RDJR movies that we couldn't find before. I wiped away a tear.

Tav has also allowed me to spend the day with his Iron Man action figure. It is sitting on my sewing table. He isn't so magnanimous that I am allowed to take it to work with me and put it on my computer monitor...but still, this is a momentous act of generosity.

My son, the scientist.

My Evening Has a First Name - It's O-S-C-A-R

Well, little chickens, tonight is the night we have been anticipating for 11 months and 29 days - the Oscars are on tonight.

Since I'm a die-hard movie fan, I try to watch the awards shows. Side note - have never seen Die Hard. Am adding to Netflix.

Anyway, the Oscars have fallen out of my favor in recent years, and so I've pretty much tuned out. I hit a few minutes here and there, mostly to see the dresses and Clooney in Armani. Unfortunately, the evening wear display gets rudely interrupted by some idiot, usually with a name that rhymes with "Spawn Glenn", spewing about how ignorant all us folk in Middle America are (and God help you if you are a Christian; you should be beaten with a stick and heavily fined if you are), instead of just saying "thanks for the award" and letting it go at that.

PLUS, my main man RDJR should absolutely have been nominated for The Soloist. Okay, so I can forgive the fact that he was overlooked for his work in Sherlock, because it seems that a blockbuster never wins an Oscar for an actor, but he got robbed for The Soloist.

So, I'm faced with a horrible dichotomy...a Spawn Glenn-free year, but also a Downey-free year. Just ain't fair.

Side note, part 2 - Totally rooting for Mo'Nique tonight. Did you SEE Precious? Her performance was insane.

Review #30 - Kiss Kiss Bang Bang (2005)

So says Netflix: "Petty thief Harry Lockhart (Robert Downey Jr) gets caught up in a murder investigation by posing as an actor and heading to Los Angeles for an unlikely audition, where he finds an authentic acting coach in detective Perry Van Shrike (Val Kilmer). But the bright lights of Hollywood fade when a murder takes place and Harry, Perry and Harry's high school dream girl (Michelle Monaghan) become part of the investigation."

I took me three attempts to get through this movie - I was interrupted the first two times by marital collapse. But as they say at the movies, the third time's a charm. Well, I'm sure someone said that in some movie once.

Our hero plays an endearingly dense guy...Val Kilmer's character is the coolest gay dude ever...there's a lot of shooting, digit amputation and a corpse gets peed on.

I absolutely, positively, in every conceivable way - adored this movie. Oh, and get this - as the closing credits roll by, we are serenaded by a track from RDJR's "The Futurist".

My only regret is that I didn't get to see it in the theater with the Trio of Movie Goodness. And they should have used the song "5:30" at the end instead of "Broken."

I give this one a 9.5. Yes, I loved it that much. I'm buying this one for my ever-expanding collection.

Tuesday Night Confessions

Topic #1: I have a confession to make. I stacked my Netflix deck so that the next movie I receive is one that I really want to see. I need to cleanse my brain of The Pick-Up Artist. I should receive said movie tomorrow...but will keep you in suspense as to its title, dear reader.

Topic #2: What is going on in my life, you ask? I'll tell you. Without boring you with the details, and since I work in the insurance industry, trust me, it would be boring - we are undergoing a major change at work. I knew it would be rocky, bumpy, etc...but I was prepped. I found out today that it is MUCH, MUCH, MUCH rockier/bumpier than I had anticipated. Like bird shot vs. hollow points more rockier/bumpier.

I'm telling you this, just in case I fall of the radar screen, you will know to check for me at the local insane asylum. They know me there, and I have a comfortable room.

Topic #3: I went to Wal-Mart tonight; not because I wanted to, but because I needed hair color. Not that I NEED to color my hair, mind you. Ahem. Anyway, I picked up a few groceries, etc...and stood in line for 30 MINUTES. Why, pray tell, does one build a store with 20 cash registers, but only staff 4 of them at any given time? WHY?

Topic #4: Only 63 more days until Iron Man 2.

Match Game - I Choose Charles Nelson Reilly

You know your marriage is in trouble when... your husband leaves the house in the morning, stays out until g*d knows what hour of the night, doesn't tell you where he's going - and you don't give a flying fig.

Just saying.