Saturday, May 29, 2010

In a Land Far, Far Away...There Resides a Music Store

Today I drove 435 miles to rent a cello for my youngest.

He's been obsessed with the cello for months now, birthed by the visit of a cellist to his school and fostered by repeated viewings of "The Soloist." He incessantly pings me with requests for cello lessons, as if finding a cello instructor in a town of 3,000 people is simply a matter of picking up the phone.

A raindrop-wrinkled flier caught my eye the other day in Omak. "Violin Lessons. 555-1234." So I reasoned, a violin is really just a little cello, right? And I called. Her fee is roughly 3 times my budget for said lessons, and that doesn't include the violin rental. Sigh.

Turns out that Ms. Violin Instructor knows a cello instructor. She gives me a phone number. I make the reasonable assumption that Ms. Cello Instructor will charge at least as much, and even if I can swing it, there's no way I'll ever be able to find, let alone afford, to rent a cello.

Well, guess what. Cello lessons are affordable. She gave me contact info for 3 music stores which rent cellos. One I actually could afford.

Yes, it was a 435-mile round trip. Yes, the lessons are a 60-mile round trip once a week over a mountain pass. Yes, the lessons and monthly rental fee means no more eating lunch out and no more latte's. Yes, yes, yes. I know.

But my kid is going to take cello lessons.

My kid.

MY kid.

Friday, May 28, 2010

I Just Can't Take It

I cannot leave my last review without stating, unequivocally, the following:

1. I hate going to Costco. All those people with those big, stupid carts. Ick.
2. Hot dogs give me indigestion, even though on occasion I do eat one.
3. I think NASCAR is pointless and if I had a NASCAR T-shirt, I'd yard sale it.
4. I despise pork rinds.
5. Okay, I do go to Wal-Mart, but that's because I live in a rural area and a lot of the stuff that they sell, we can't buy anywhere else.

I feel so much better now.

Review #49 - The Shaggy Dog (2006)

From our friends at Netflix: "In this remake of the classic Disney comedy - retooled for contemporary audiences - harried attorney Dave Douglas (Tim Allen) finds himself cuddling up to his wife (Kristin Davis) and kids (Zena Grey and Spencer Breslin) in his new role as the family pet and becoming is own best friend. The supporting cast includes "SNL" alum Jane Curtin and Robert Downey Jr., who plays an odious yuppie capitalist."

First disclaimer - I've seen bits and pieces of this movie a half dozen times, but never all the way through. I also did not see the original version. Go figure.

Again I am faced with losing any and all respect that you, my dearest reader, may have for me. You see me as witty, wise, sarcastic, profoundly hip? Why, yes, I am. But I still liked this movie.

It was not without missteps. Kristin Davis - too young to be "mom" and wife to Tim Allen. Sorry. But the courtroom scenes were fabulous. And, I must confess, I like Tim Allen. There, I said it. I am bourgeois to the extreme. Let's all go to Costco and eat a hot dog in our NASCAR t-shirts. So shoot me.

Our Hero plays Mr. Jerk, and of course he does it well. I'm not entirely sold on RDJR doing family movies. He oozes crassness, even when he doesn't try to...which is fabulous in all his "normal" films, but disconcerting in a kid flick. Eddie Murphy was able to make that leap successfully. I just don't see Our Hero doing it.

Am now wondering if "crassness" is a word. "Crassisity"? "Crassundity"? "Crassfularity"?

You get the idea.

So, I'm going to give it an 8 and go get me some pork rinds at Wal-Mart.

Sunday, May 23, 2010

The Queen Seemeth Peaked

I noticed something today. I don't look very good.

I'm not talking about girly-girl "oh, look at me, I'm so, like, FAT." Well, here's an example. I got up this morning, put on the full-face war paint (thought I looked a little pasty, but nothing out of the ordinary for me) and went on my merry way. Two hours later, my daughter looks intently at me and says, "Are you wearing any makeup???"

At this point, I should say that I never, under no uncertain terms, leave the house without FULL makeup on. Foundation-blush-powder-eyeshadow-eyeliner-mascara-lipliner-lipstick. Every.single.day.

So when we got home, I actually LOOKED in the mirror. My skin is mostly a pasty, dull white color, with large spots of red blotch mixed in for variety. I have really dark circles under my eyes 24/7. No matter what time I go to bed, I always feel like I've been up all night, and it shows. My hair is too heavy, too dark, and just hanging off the side of my head.

Oh, and from the neck down - don't even get me started.

I don't look so good. I think the strain of living on the edge of sanity for the past 3 months is wearing on me in an obvious, physical way.

Whooda thunkit.

Saturday, May 22, 2010

Review #48 - In Dreams (1999)

Netflix spoke to me in a dream, and they said: "Claire Cooper's (Annette Bening) peaceful family life takes a chilling turn when a mysterious serial killer (Robert Downey Jr) invades her seemingly idyllic New England town and starts haunting her dreams with dark clues to his next deadly moves. Unable to convince the police, her doctor or even her husband of her link with the madman, Claire must confront the killer alone, before another terrifying dream becomes a reality."

All righty then.

This movie reminded me of "What Lies Beneath". You remember, Harrison Ford and Michelle Pfieffer? Right now, you are either nodding your head and saying, "ahhh", or you have moved on to the next paragraph.

First observation: Annette Bening plays nutso really well. Second observations: So does Our Hero.

So, it turns out that RDJR's character kills Annette Bening's little girl and her husband, and ties up her dog. This obviously has an adverse affect on Annette's psyche, as she is haunted by dreams of the killer's next moves. In the end, she wins out because she starts "haunting" the killer. A lot of other stuff happens in the middle, but you get the gist.

Did I like it? Yep. My only criticism would be the number of F bombs that Annette and her husband drop when they are talking to each other. "Honey, I'm going to the f--ing store and buy some f---ing bread. Do you f---ing need anything?" Okay, perhaps a slight script stretch. But again, you get the gist.

So, if you like creepy movies, you would probably like this one. I'll go with a 7.5.

7 Days Maketh One Weak

My, oh my. How did I manage to go an entire WEEK without posting to my blog? Unheard of.

I'll be watching a movie tonight, for your reviewing pleasure. I had to wait because it's rated R and, well, I couldn't work it in without a little kid staring over my shoulder until today. Since the movie is about a serial killer, I figured that would qualify as "bad parenting." So, woot woot, a review will be coming soon.

The most exciting thing about my week was when I dumped a good amount of Pepsi into the bottom of my purse. It soaked, among other things, my Netflix envelope and DVD. I washed said DVD in water and have spent 2 days air-drying said return envelope. Other than being rather wrinkly, I believe we will be okay, with the possible exception of an askance glance from the Netflix mail opener. After all, the strangest things can happen in the mail, can't they?

Friday, May 14, 2010

Review #47 - Bowfinger (1999)

Per Netflix: "Kit Ramsey (Eddie Murphy) is Hollywood's biggest star. Bobby Bowfinger (Steve Martin) is Hollywood's smallest player. Together, they're Hollywood's hottest team...only one of them doesn't know it. it's Eddie Murphy and Steve Martin - together for the first time - in the hit comedy Bowfinger!"

Well, I bet you didn't know that RDJR was in this one, did you. Well, he was, for about 5 seconds.

Maybe it's my 80's upbringing - but I am predispositioned to love this. I mean, come on. Eddie Murphy AND Steve Martin? Hello? Eddie Murphy is a mentally unstable action star (go figure) and Steve Martin has a velcro pony tail that he sticks in his pocket when not in use. What's not to love, I ask you? What's not to love?

I think I've seen this one before...but it's been 11 years, so maybe I'm just remembering previews. Anyhow, it was funny. Silly funny without being sick funny or vulgar funny. You can tell it was made 11 years ago, I guess. What a shame that nobody seems to make comedies like this anymore.

Okay, descending from my soapbox - I give it an 8, because I loved it. Insert appropriate low-brow comment here. Go ahead, I can take it.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Mine Is Not To Do, Then Die

So, a friend of mine posts on her Facebook this question: "What's on your bucket list?"

Thus we bring forth the inspiration for today's post, aptly titled:

Tina's Bucket List
These things simply must be accomplished before I die. I may not die until the list is completed.
1. Spend a month in a little cottage on the ocean like Mrs. Muir
2. Learn how to play a complicated musical instrument, like the violin
3. Write and publish a novel
4. Write the screenplay for my best-selling novel
5. Produce and direct the film based on my screenplay
6. Learn, definitively, what exactly a film producer does
7. Get hired by Donald Trump and quit at an inopportune time, resulting in The Donald begging me to come back
8. Break a handsome man's heart
9. Go to Venice (Italy, not California)
10. Have my cell number programmed into some famous person's speed-dial
11. Be the recipient of a really, really good kiss
12. Learn to fly a helicopter
13. Earn a black belt in some sort of martial arts
Well, that should keep be going well into the next century. Your turn, my little chickens.

Sunday, May 9, 2010

Review #46 - Short Cuts: The Film (1993)

Per our homeys at Netflix: "Robert Altman's mosaic masterpiece, based on Raymond Carver's short stories, presents a variety of characters --including a baker, a phone -sex provider and a clown --whose stale lives intersect and are forever altered through simple twists of fate. This moving tale's all-star cast includes Tim Robbins, Madeline Stowe, Bruce Davison, Andie MacDowell, Jack Lemmon and Anne Archer. Rated R, 3 hours and 9 minutes."

Well, this film has already broken the first commandment of Tina's Laws of Filmmaking: "Thou shalt not exceed 2 hours in length without a really, really good reason." 3 hours? Are you frickin' kidding me????

Setting that aside for now and moving on. Interesting bit of trivia for ya - there's a documentary on the making of this film which is also on "the list". It's found on certain editions of the DVD, but not, of course, the one I have from Netflix - which means I'm probably going to have to buy this movie just to get the additional stuff to review the documentary.

Watching this one was a lot like watching a soap opera. Not listed in our "all-star cast list" is Julianne Moore, who I love because she used to be on As The World Turns. Anyhow, Julianne's performance was stellar, except for the gratuitous frontal nudity shot of her airstrip bikini wax that lasted a good 3 or 4 minutes, as she used her blow dryer on her skirt while wearing only a top. I mean, really. Am I the only woman on the planet who wears panties anymore???

And Tim Robbins. My buddy Tim. I love his acting and hate his political views. He was wonderful. So NOT a Tim Robbins role, his character was a complete jackass - which made it even better.

The most unexpected moment would have to be when Huey Lewis peed in the river. I saw parts of Huey that I never anticipated seeing in this lifetime.

Anyway, all these characters end up intertwined (as The Bard at Netflix told us they would) in the most unexpected ways. But it was too long. I would completely cut out the story of the phone sex girl (she was in Single White Female with Bridget Fonda; I can't remember her name, what do I look like, Wikipedia?) and her husband (Sean Penn's brother), whose storyline unfortunately included Our Hero. Yes, I said it. The film would be better if you cut out Robert Downey. Don't get me wrong, he and Cris Penn were both creepily interesting, especially at the end of the movie - but the balance of their storyline was just so lame, and the movie was way too long, that deleting their storyline would have improved the film overall.

Don't be hating on me, now. I am, above all else, objective.

So there you have it. If you can stand to watch a 3-hour movie that has a lot of frontal nudity and phone-sex talk, Tim Robbins will make it worth your while. If you do, and you hate it, don't blame me - I TOLD you it was too long and dirty.

I give this one a 7 - which is sad, because it could have been a contender.

Saturday, May 8, 2010

It's Not What You Think

Today is May 8, 2010. That means yesterday was May 7, 2010. Christmas, Easter, my birthday, and President's Day all rolled into one. The premiere of Iron Man 2.

You know I went. So, you are probably checking this blog today in anticipation of a review of said movie. That is, of course, how I roll. But be brave of heart - I have a story for you, my little chickens.

I've made the executive decision NOT to review Iron Man 2 today. I will wait until it comes out on DVD (which will probably be around my birthday, won't that be nice?) because I will be in a "movie drought" this fall and looking for material with which to entertain you - which is, certainly, why I live and breathe. I'd rather tell you the story of 'going to see Iron Man 2 with a 10-year old boy'.

It started, as you can imagine, days earlier, with the "daily countdown". "Mom, only 5 more days." "Mom, only 3 more days..." you get the idea. Finally we awoke on Friday morning...THE DAY. Bright and early, getting ready for school, a semi-comatose little boy drags his feet around the bedroom...until I say, "Tav, today is the day we've been waiting months for." He then vaulted across the room (he wakes up quickly when he wants to, evidently) and gave me a huge hug with an exuberant "YES!"

I get off work on Fridays at 4:30 (thanks, boss). The movie starts at 7. We live 15 minutes from the theater-two lanes, no traffic, for you city folk. Got a timeline in your mind? Good.

So, I get home and it's 4:45. Tav says, "are we leaving now?" I said no, we aren't, because Mommy hasn't even put down her purse yet, let alone made dinner. He assures me that there's absolutely no need to eat dinner because he's stuffed to the gills from the lunch he had eaten 5 hours ago.

So, Mom announces that she's not cooking tonight, forgoes dinner for a bowl of vanilla coconut granola and does the dishes. It's 5:10. "Are we leaving now?" Sigh.

My original plan was to leave the house around 5:30-5:40, go to the dollar store, grab some candy and pop, and be in line at the theater by 6:15. It became increasingly evident as the minutes passed that my original plan was not going to happen, as Tav began the "let's leave the house" dance (which closely resembles the "I gotta go pee" dance) and a low "mom mom mom" chant, reminiscent of Amazon war drums.

I went in the bathroom to fix my face, and it seems that the lack of visual contact just sent him over the edge. Tav starts knocking on the door. "What are you doing? Are you putting on makeup? When are we leaving?"

So, dear reader, we ended up leaving the house at 5:20, driving SLOWLY to Wal-Mart (which I figured would suck more time than the dollar store), and then drove SLOWLY to the theater. We got there at 6:10 and were numbers 14 and 15 in line. Oh, and at Wal-Mart, we got a corn dog for Tav, because he suddenly decided that he was hungry, after all. Funny how that works.

It was 50 degrees and the wind was blowing. A lovely evening to stand outside for 20 minutes.

Because you asked, here are a few brief impressions of the film - a little darker, a little mud in the plot, a little obscure. The theater was packed, which means that I had someone encroaching on my personal space. But still fun. A lot of fun. If you liked the first one, I can't imagine that you would despise the second one. And that is all you get, my dear reader, until the DVD.

Thursday, May 6, 2010

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Review #45 - Hail Caesar (1994)

All right, let's do this: "Julius Caesar MacGruder (Anthony Michael Hall, who also directs) is - what else? - the lead singer of Hail Caesar, a rock and roll band that covets it all: fame, fortune and chicks. But to get them, the band needs to land a recording contract with Easy Street Records (fronted by Robert Downey Jr). There's only one small problem: This captain of capitalism is late for his day job...at the eraser factory!"

Well, my little chickens, this little gem arrived at the Okanogan Post Office today, and after reading that summary, how could I not rush right home and throw it in ye olde dvd player?

I recently bemoaned the fact that I've had to watch a lot of, shall we say, "sub-par" films. It has taken what was once a young, soft, naive country girl, dazzled by the bright lights of Hollywood, and turned her into this Sherman tank you see before you. (That's a reference to my personality, not my size.) So I read this Netflix synopsis through my war glasses, muddied with the filth and desperation that can only be flung by a low-budget film. And it was dirty, my friend. It was dirty.

Have you ever tried to pick up a 2-year old who doesn't want you to pick her up? In addition to the variant-pitched whiny sounds (which I won't attempt to duplicate in writing), a small child has the unique ability to completely collapse on itself, transforming into a gelatinous blob that defies all attempts at physical control as it slides through your hands and onto the floor. That's how I felt when I realized that I had to watch this film tonight.

Picture it - and it's more effective if you pretend I'm a kid:

"I-don't-wanna-watch-this-movie-why-I-gotta-always-watch-dumb-movies-Iron-Man-2-is-on-Friday-I-just-wanna-watch-Iron-Man-2" (insert floor collapse here).

But, for the sake of science, I did it. I watched "Hail Caesar". It was a turd bomb. It's redeeming facet (of course and as usual) was Our Hero's performance. "Directed by Anthony Michael Hall" should have been your first clue.

It wasn't as bad as Friends and Lovers, which is good because I'd hate to get all suicidal on the eve of the IM2 premiere. And I actually made a sound akin to a slight chuckle at one point.

So, I give it a 3 and I officially collapse.

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Sit Down Before Reading

Earth-shattering announcement #1 - I've decided to grow my hair out a little. Not a lot, just a little. I like it short, and when I look in the mirror, I like the way it looks - but when I see photos of myself, I think, "wow, my hair is really short." So I'm thinking that means it's too short.

Earth-shattering announcement #2 - I really need to give up the latte's again. Those babies have a lot of calories. I look in the mirror, and I think I look okay - but when I see photos of myself, I think, "wow, I have 4 chins and my ass is the size of Michigan." So I'm thinking that means I need to cut back.

Earth-shattering announcement #3 - ONLY 3 MORE DAYS UNTIL IRON MAN 2!!!!! Seven p.m., Omak Theater, be there or be square, Trio of Movie Goodness in hand. I'm sure Tav and I will be there by 6. Can I get a woot woot?

Earth-shattering announcement #4 - I'm contemplating my 2011 blog project. I love the "do this is in a year" idea. Your input, dear reader, would be greatly appreciated; mostly because it makes me feel loved. I have a quasi-interesting idea rolling around in my little noggin. And yes, I'm well aware that 2010 is not even half over yet. Don't judge me.

Thus endeth the earth-shattering announcements. As you were.

Monday, May 3, 2010

Tony Stark and a Pink Diamond

First of all - after watching quite a few turd bombs, I decided that I needed a brain cleanse. Frankly, even though we've had some passage of time and I'm heavily medicated, I am still having "The Gingerbread Man" flashbacks. So I re-queued "Kiss Kiss Bang Bang" and watched it with my friend Amy this weekend. It worked. I am rejuvenated and ready for round 2.

If you haven't seen Kiss Kiss Bang Bang yet - what are you waiting for????? I reviewed that, like, 2 MONTHS ago. 9.5, baby.

Anyway, whilst examining my archives, I noticed that my number of "posts-per-month" has steadily declined as the months pass. Since I am, for the moment, completely relying upon Netflix (having exhausted the RDJR inventory at Blockbuster), I'm lucky to review 2 movies per week now. You didn't hear, dearest reader, but I just let out a heavy sigh. Anyway, fewer movies equals fewer posts.

I tell you this because I don't want you to think that the blush is off The Project's rose. In fact, in about 3 months things will start to get really interesting as I am forced to obscure websites, flea markets, yard sales, etc in my attempt to locate the stragglers. I am in a slight panic mode at the moment, because my new friend Joyce - possessor of the rare gem "Pound" - hasn't contacted me in several weeks, after telling me that she would "look into" getting a copy made for me. While it is entirely possible that said new friend Joyce saw the blog post where I insinuated that she and her fellow "fan siters" might be a little, well, unbalanced - I'm hoping that she's just trying to get the video quality juuuuuuuust right. Ahem. And I did apologize for that, if you recall.

On our way home from Blockbuster Saturday, out of the blue my youngest asked me what would happen if I married RDJR. I told him that since we are both already married to other people, living in separate states and for a plethora of reasons that he doesn't need to think about, that a wedding would be highly unlikely. I also told him that, when we see actors on the screen playing roles that we really like - that doesn't necessarily mean that the actor has the same personality. Then I had a mental vision of being proposed to by Tony Stark and almost ran off the road.

Again, you didn't hear it, but there was another heavy sigh.