Review #45 - Hail Caesar (1994)

All right, let's do this: "Julius Caesar MacGruder (Anthony Michael Hall, who also directs) is - what else? - the lead singer of Hail Caesar, a rock and roll band that covets it all: fame, fortune and chicks. But to get them, the band needs to land a recording contract with Easy Street Records (fronted by Robert Downey Jr). There's only one small problem: This captain of capitalism is late for his day job...at the eraser factory!"

Well, my little chickens, this little gem arrived at the Okanogan Post Office today, and after reading that summary, how could I not rush right home and throw it in ye olde dvd player?

I recently bemoaned the fact that I've had to watch a lot of, shall we say, "sub-par" films. It has taken what was once a young, soft, naive country girl, dazzled by the bright lights of Hollywood, and turned her into this Sherman tank you see before you. (That's a reference to my personality, not my size.) So I read this Netflix synopsis through my war glasses, muddied with the filth and desperation that can only be flung by a low-budget film. And it was dirty, my friend. It was dirty.

Have you ever tried to pick up a 2-year old who doesn't want you to pick her up? In addition to the variant-pitched whiny sounds (which I won't attempt to duplicate in writing), a small child has the unique ability to completely collapse on itself, transforming into a gelatinous blob that defies all attempts at physical control as it slides through your hands and onto the floor. That's how I felt when I realized that I had to watch this film tonight.

Picture it - and it's more effective if you pretend I'm a kid:

"I-don't-wanna-watch-this-movie-why-I-gotta-always-watch-dumb-movies-Iron-Man-2-is-on-Friday-I-just-wanna-watch-Iron-Man-2" (insert floor collapse here).

But, for the sake of science, I did it. I watched "Hail Caesar". It was a turd bomb. It's redeeming facet (of course and as usual) was Our Hero's performance. "Directed by Anthony Michael Hall" should have been your first clue.

It wasn't as bad as Friends and Lovers, which is good because I'd hate to get all suicidal on the eve of the IM2 premiere. And I actually made a sound akin to a slight chuckle at one point.

So, I give it a 3 and I officially collapse.