Sometimes, when life is at its darkest and all seems lost, you just have to go out to dinner.
I really, really, REALLY wanted a good steak tonight. I've been semi-behaving myself since January 11th, going to the gym 6 days a week, and not eating out. So I decided that today was the day - freshly paid and freshly weighed, both figures satisfactory for now. Time to be a carnivore.
Then I decided to come home and write a truly amazing poem.
ODE TO A STEAK
Is there any sight to the human eye as lovely as a steak?
The purest maiden blush, the most delicate rose bloom, the perfection of a single raindrop-
All are horse pucky compared to thee, fairest beef.
I awake in the morning - I think of thee.
I adorn my body with royal robes - I think of thee.
I gaze in a gilded mirror, upon a reflection so beautiful it makes the most valiant man cry - I think of thee.
Lest this day see its end without thy wondrous scent, a wafting pleasure - I order thee at the Breadline.
I cut thee with my knife - thou est pink in the center and stuffed with cheese so bleu.
Cut, knife, cut - the sweetest cut of all.
A single, haunted tear trails down softest cheek - sweet, sweet steak to soften the crushing blow - I am no longer the most perfect creature in all the cosmos. Thou, dearest cow who so willingly paused your bovine breath - thou est far more perfect-er.
~~**~~
It's much more effective if you read it out loud.
Saturday, February 27, 2010
Review #29 - The Pick-Up Artist (1987)
This is, like, totally what Netflix says:
"Carefree lady-killer Jack Jericho (Robert Downey Jr.) seduces women by the dozen. But the tables abruptly turn when he meets beautiful (and totally indifferent) museum guide Randy Jensen (Molly Ringwald), who agrees to a one-night stand and them dumps him. Stymied and completely smitten, Jack keeps pursuing Randy - and, along the way, helps her alcoholic father erase a huge gambling debt he owes to the mob."
As you know, dear reader, I purposely avoid reading reviews of the films before I watch them, as to keep my scientific integrity. I do recall, however, reading a one-liner for this film a while ago, and it has stuck with me. The reviewer described The Pick-Up Artist as the "movie which single-handedly destroyed Molly Ringwald's career." Ouch.
So, what to say about this film. It was very (mercifully) short, under 1 hour and 20 minutes. It was directed by Toback, and appears to have actually had a script, which is a novel idea for him. It sucked. It pains me to say that, because in 1987, I pretty much wanted to BE Molly Ringwald.
Our hero still had that precious little gap between his teeth. And he seemed to fall down a lot, which was actually rather endearing. So for that, I give it a 3.5.
"Carefree lady-killer Jack Jericho (Robert Downey Jr.) seduces women by the dozen. But the tables abruptly turn when he meets beautiful (and totally indifferent) museum guide Randy Jensen (Molly Ringwald), who agrees to a one-night stand and them dumps him. Stymied and completely smitten, Jack keeps pursuing Randy - and, along the way, helps her alcoholic father erase a huge gambling debt he owes to the mob."
As you know, dear reader, I purposely avoid reading reviews of the films before I watch them, as to keep my scientific integrity. I do recall, however, reading a one-liner for this film a while ago, and it has stuck with me. The reviewer described The Pick-Up Artist as the "movie which single-handedly destroyed Molly Ringwald's career." Ouch.
So, what to say about this film. It was very (mercifully) short, under 1 hour and 20 minutes. It was directed by Toback, and appears to have actually had a script, which is a novel idea for him. It sucked. It pains me to say that, because in 1987, I pretty much wanted to BE Molly Ringwald.
Our hero still had that precious little gap between his teeth. And he seemed to fall down a lot, which was actually rather endearing. So for that, I give it a 3.5.
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Review #28 - Charlie Bartlett (2007)
From our friends at Netflix:
"This comedy follows the exploits of Charlie Bartlett (Anton Yelchin), a miserable high school student who finds a way to fit in with his classmates: by pretending to be the school psychiatrist, dispensing advice and the occasional prescription medicine. Charlie's sympathetic ear and ready access to drugs make him popular with the students, but his activities soon attract the unwelcome attention of the school principal (Robert Downey Jr.).
Observation number 1- this movie was needlessly rated R. The deletion of a 3 second scene of topless teenage girls running down a hall could have dropped the rating to PG-13.
Observation number 2 - Anton Yelchin looks like Bobby Flay Jr.
Observation number 3- I don't know, exactly, why this movie didn't do better at the box office. It wasn't that bad.
I think it's a fine and difficult line to walk between the "teenage high school movie", a la "16 Candles", and a "serious relationship movie", a la "Footloose". (just checking to see if you were paying attention.) This movie was funny, but also tried to bring in some heavier father/son relationship stuff...the result of which felt a little, oh, disjointed at times. Is this funny or serious? But then again, disjointed isn't always a bad thing, is it?
I recall reading that this film was widely panned, and I think that's unfair. RDJR's portrayal of the burned-out, promoted-to-the-point-that-I-hate-my-career high school principal was great. Anton Yelchin was pretty darned charming. Nobody else really floated my boat.
The best line in the film? Our hero telling young Anton, "Don't you EVER attack a drunk guy with a gun!" Okay, maybe you had to be there, but it was pretty funny.
I give it a 7 for the pool scene.
"This comedy follows the exploits of Charlie Bartlett (Anton Yelchin), a miserable high school student who finds a way to fit in with his classmates: by pretending to be the school psychiatrist, dispensing advice and the occasional prescription medicine. Charlie's sympathetic ear and ready access to drugs make him popular with the students, but his activities soon attract the unwelcome attention of the school principal (Robert Downey Jr.).
Observation number 1- this movie was needlessly rated R. The deletion of a 3 second scene of topless teenage girls running down a hall could have dropped the rating to PG-13.
Observation number 2 - Anton Yelchin looks like Bobby Flay Jr.
Observation number 3- I don't know, exactly, why this movie didn't do better at the box office. It wasn't that bad.
I think it's a fine and difficult line to walk between the "teenage high school movie", a la "16 Candles", and a "serious relationship movie", a la "Footloose". (just checking to see if you were paying attention.) This movie was funny, but also tried to bring in some heavier father/son relationship stuff...the result of which felt a little, oh, disjointed at times. Is this funny or serious? But then again, disjointed isn't always a bad thing, is it?
I recall reading that this film was widely panned, and I think that's unfair. RDJR's portrayal of the burned-out, promoted-to-the-point-that-I-hate-my-career high school principal was great. Anton Yelchin was pretty darned charming. Nobody else really floated my boat.
The best line in the film? Our hero telling young Anton, "Don't you EVER attack a drunk guy with a gun!" Okay, maybe you had to be there, but it was pretty funny.
I give it a 7 for the pool scene.
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
As Long As It Takes
Some days I feel like I can live this way for as long as it takes. Some days I feel like I will go criminally insane if I have to spend one more minute in my current situation. You know that old expression, "today is the first day of the rest of your life"? That's the most damn depressing thing I've ever heard.
But - today was one of those "as long as it takes" days.
I got an e-mail from an old, dear friend who basically told me that she would be on the next available plane to come to my assistance, should I need a shoulder to cry on. Now that, dear reader, is a friend. Just knowing that somebody is actually willing to sacrifice for me means a lot, when I've lived years with someone who's not willing to sacrifice squat for anyone - especially me.
I don't like to write, talk, discuss etc my feelings about anything, much less anything personal...it's just not who I am. I wasn't raised to express anything other than a willing spirit and a witty comment. So don't expect me to dive too deeply into this pool.
Just know that today was a good day. Tomorrow will hopefully be another. String enough of them together...well, we'll call that a "streak."
But - today was one of those "as long as it takes" days.
I got an e-mail from an old, dear friend who basically told me that she would be on the next available plane to come to my assistance, should I need a shoulder to cry on. Now that, dear reader, is a friend. Just knowing that somebody is actually willing to sacrifice for me means a lot, when I've lived years with someone who's not willing to sacrifice squat for anyone - especially me.
I don't like to write, talk, discuss etc my feelings about anything, much less anything personal...it's just not who I am. I wasn't raised to express anything other than a willing spirit and a witty comment. So don't expect me to dive too deeply into this pool.
Just know that today was a good day. Tomorrow will hopefully be another. String enough of them together...well, we'll call that a "streak."
Saturday, February 20, 2010
Review #27 - Fur: An Imaginary Portrait of Diane Arbus (2006)
So, my friend Jessica got this one from Netflix, and since she's really into science, she let me watch it before it got sent back. That's what friends are for, baby.
Netflix says:
"Nicole Kidman stars as controversial photographer Diane Arbus, an acclaimed artist who took her own life in 1971, in this provocative biopic. Known for her bizarre and often disturbing black-and-white images that captured both the mundane and the unusual with a dreamlike clarity, she became the first American photographer to have her work exhibited at the Venice Biennale--but not until after her death."
That, dear reader, is what you call a "history lesson", NOT a "movie summary."
Anyhoo, back to the topic at hand. You and I fall into one of two camps -- Diane Arbus fans, and people who have never heard of Diane Arbus. If you are in "camp 1", you are probably all jazzed about now, thinking that this film will give you some sort of magical, mystical insight into your favorite photographer. If you are in "camp 2", and you like to learn new stuff, you are probably thinking that this film will give you some sort of magical, mystical insight into an American artist, and perhaps improve your chances during Final Jeopardy.
Sorry, my dears. This is not that kind of film. In fact, it should be retitled "Fur: An American Fairy Tale." You gain little, if any, insight into the mind of Diane Arbus. She is Any Woman. She is Every Woman. I'm not saying that's a bad thing, mind you. I just think that the film's title, and perhaps its direction, seemed a bit misled. Perhaps inspired by Diane Arbus' work, but certainly not a biopic. The confusion between inspiration vs. biographic intent makes it feel, oh, muddy, I guess, at times.
But I did like it. It was a fable, a fairy tale. It was Aesop with full frontal nudity (the necessity of which, or lack thereof, is a topic for another post). It was pretty, and at the same time disturbing, and at the same time touching, and at the same time tragic.
RDJR is "Lionel", and I'll describe him as Diane's muse and leave it at that. As far as his appearance goes, I'd know those eyes and that walk anywhere....and you can watch and see what I'm talking about.
I give this one an 8.
Netflix says:
"Nicole Kidman stars as controversial photographer Diane Arbus, an acclaimed artist who took her own life in 1971, in this provocative biopic. Known for her bizarre and often disturbing black-and-white images that captured both the mundane and the unusual with a dreamlike clarity, she became the first American photographer to have her work exhibited at the Venice Biennale--but not until after her death."
That, dear reader, is what you call a "history lesson", NOT a "movie summary."
Anyhoo, back to the topic at hand. You and I fall into one of two camps -- Diane Arbus fans, and people who have never heard of Diane Arbus. If you are in "camp 1", you are probably all jazzed about now, thinking that this film will give you some sort of magical, mystical insight into your favorite photographer. If you are in "camp 2", and you like to learn new stuff, you are probably thinking that this film will give you some sort of magical, mystical insight into an American artist, and perhaps improve your chances during Final Jeopardy.
Sorry, my dears. This is not that kind of film. In fact, it should be retitled "Fur: An American Fairy Tale." You gain little, if any, insight into the mind of Diane Arbus. She is Any Woman. She is Every Woman. I'm not saying that's a bad thing, mind you. I just think that the film's title, and perhaps its direction, seemed a bit misled. Perhaps inspired by Diane Arbus' work, but certainly not a biopic. The confusion between inspiration vs. biographic intent makes it feel, oh, muddy, I guess, at times.
But I did like it. It was a fable, a fairy tale. It was Aesop with full frontal nudity (the necessity of which, or lack thereof, is a topic for another post). It was pretty, and at the same time disturbing, and at the same time touching, and at the same time tragic.
RDJR is "Lionel", and I'll describe him as Diane's muse and leave it at that. As far as his appearance goes, I'd know those eyes and that walk anywhere....and you can watch and see what I'm talking about.
I give this one an 8.
Friday, February 19, 2010
Review #26 - Richard III (1995)
Thus sayeth Netflix:
"This visually inventive adaptation of Shakespeare's classic drama is set in 1930's England after a civil war has torn the country apart and left the people under fascist rule. Richard (Ian McKellen) plots against his brother, Edward (John Wood), in his quest to usurp the throne. Using seduction and murder, Richard will stop at nothing in pursuit of his goal. The film received Oscar nominations for art direction and costume design."
RDJR plays the Queen's brother, Rivers. He dies early on in the film whilst getting his rocks off. Well, if ya gotta go, that's probably the best way, right?
The queen was portrayed by Annette Benning, who was surprisingly adept at handling Shakespeare. Our hero, unfortunately, was not so adept; but hey, he's also Tony Stark. No need to get all upset over RDJR's lack of prowess with the language of The Bard when he is, after all, a superhero.
Ian McKellen was the consummate swarmy icky bad guy. Ew.
Two great performances aside - this film was...ok.
I give it a 6.5, because I don't think I've used that number yet.
"This visually inventive adaptation of Shakespeare's classic drama is set in 1930's England after a civil war has torn the country apart and left the people under fascist rule. Richard (Ian McKellen) plots against his brother, Edward (John Wood), in his quest to usurp the throne. Using seduction and murder, Richard will stop at nothing in pursuit of his goal. The film received Oscar nominations for art direction and costume design."
RDJR plays the Queen's brother, Rivers. He dies early on in the film whilst getting his rocks off. Well, if ya gotta go, that's probably the best way, right?
The queen was portrayed by Annette Benning, who was surprisingly adept at handling Shakespeare. Our hero, unfortunately, was not so adept; but hey, he's also Tony Stark. No need to get all upset over RDJR's lack of prowess with the language of The Bard when he is, after all, a superhero.
Ian McKellen was the consummate swarmy icky bad guy. Ew.
Two great performances aside - this film was...ok.
I give it a 6.5, because I don't think I've used that number yet.
Thursday, February 18, 2010
A Book About Lunch Wouldn't Be So Bad
Okay, so I got this cool new journal today from Levenger. It's called the "Five Year Journal". Each page is a day, broken into five sections - one section for today, plus the next four years - so you write a max of 5 or 6 lines for each day, each year. Far out, huh. It has my monogram on it too, which adds oodles to the coolness factor.
Now - what to write...what to write...what to write? It has to be pithy, succinct, short and sweet - hmmm.
I remember when I was a kid, I had a pink diary with a lock on it, and I was convinced it was impervious. Every day I wrote down what I had for lunch and what I did at school, and if my brother picked on me that day for future blackmailing purposes. I'm thinking I'll need to stretch beyond my youthful boundaries on this one. I don't know, though...sometimes it's nice to reminisce about lunch...
One idea I have is to write in it at the same time every day, say 9 p.m., and put down whatever I happen to be thinking about at the time, no matter how random.
If that doesn't pan out, I can always fall back on the "lunch" thing.
Ideas, dear readers?
Now - what to write...what to write...what to write? It has to be pithy, succinct, short and sweet - hmmm.
I remember when I was a kid, I had a pink diary with a lock on it, and I was convinced it was impervious. Every day I wrote down what I had for lunch and what I did at school, and if my brother picked on me that day for future blackmailing purposes. I'm thinking I'll need to stretch beyond my youthful boundaries on this one. I don't know, though...sometimes it's nice to reminisce about lunch...
One idea I have is to write in it at the same time every day, say 9 p.m., and put down whatever I happen to be thinking about at the time, no matter how random.
If that doesn't pan out, I can always fall back on the "lunch" thing.
Ideas, dear readers?
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Review #25 - Friends & Lovers (1999)
Courtesy of Netflix:
"A holiday ski trip turns into a weekend of screaming matches and bed-hopping when a father (David Rasche) invites his estranged son (George Newbern)--who's joined by five of his yuppie friends - to Utah for Christmas. Stephen Baldwin, Alison Eastwood, Claudia Schiffer and Robert Downey Jr. are among the eclectic cast of characters in this quirky sex comedy from director George Haas."
What Netflix really meant:
"A holiday ski trip turns into a weekend of gratuitous nudity as a group of people you don't care about do things you really don't want to see. Our marketing crew tried to sell this as a raunchy made-for-TV movie, but even Bravo wouldn't buy it, so this is what we ended up with. Be grateful that it's not longer."
Our hero plays marginally humorous ski instructor "Hans". RDJR obviously needed cash for rent, car, food or other unnamed necessities, for which you can use your imagination. Tacking this dead carcass of a film on him is like wearing Payless Shoes with your Chanel outfit. Sad, sad, sad. Honey, I'm so very glad you've got your act together now, because this was painful.
You know how you can be in the gym on the treadmill, and think "hey, I've only got 3 more minutes to go!" So you give it all you got for what feels like at least FIVE minutes, thinking your heart is going to explode - but when you look down at the display, you see that you've still got like 2 1/2 minutes left? That's how I felt while I was watching this. Let me off the treadmill, already.
Rating? How about a 2, for Hans' line about eating a snowball if he tells you to, because it might save your life.
Thank g*d that one's over with.
"A holiday ski trip turns into a weekend of screaming matches and bed-hopping when a father (David Rasche) invites his estranged son (George Newbern)--who's joined by five of his yuppie friends - to Utah for Christmas. Stephen Baldwin, Alison Eastwood, Claudia Schiffer and Robert Downey Jr. are among the eclectic cast of characters in this quirky sex comedy from director George Haas."
What Netflix really meant:
"A holiday ski trip turns into a weekend of gratuitous nudity as a group of people you don't care about do things you really don't want to see. Our marketing crew tried to sell this as a raunchy made-for-TV movie, but even Bravo wouldn't buy it, so this is what we ended up with. Be grateful that it's not longer."
Our hero plays marginally humorous ski instructor "Hans". RDJR obviously needed cash for rent, car, food or other unnamed necessities, for which you can use your imagination. Tacking this dead carcass of a film on him is like wearing Payless Shoes with your Chanel outfit. Sad, sad, sad. Honey, I'm so very glad you've got your act together now, because this was painful.
You know how you can be in the gym on the treadmill, and think "hey, I've only got 3 more minutes to go!" So you give it all you got for what feels like at least FIVE minutes, thinking your heart is going to explode - but when you look down at the display, you see that you've still got like 2 1/2 minutes left? That's how I felt while I was watching this. Let me off the treadmill, already.
Rating? How about a 2, for Hans' line about eating a snowball if he tells you to, because it might save your life.
Thank g*d that one's over with.
Sunday, February 14, 2010
Review #24 - Natural Born Killers (1994)
Yes, this makes my second review of the day. Well, why the heck not. Tomorrow is a federal holiday, after all.
Back of the box: "They didn't win a Nobel Prize, throw a record fastball or travel another acceptable path to fame. What fugitive lovers Mickey and Mallory did was kill people. Lots of people. The media took care of the rest."
RDJR plays Wayne Gale, an Australian Geraldo. Mickey and Mallory are Woody Harrelson and Juliette Lewis. Hello - need I say more? Oh, wait, I do - because this movie also featured Tommy Lee Jones, and if you recall, I told you back in the US Marshalls review that I love TLJ.
As far as the rest of my review...uhhh....This film was easily, by far, absolutely and positively the strangest thing I've ever seen. Maybe I should have watched this one earlier in the day, maybe when I was fresher - because, dear reader, words just fail. This film was friggin' weird. Kinda like an uber-violent version of Alice in Wonderland or some other opiate-induced fairy tale.
And I loved it.
I give it an 8. I also beg to differ with Roger Ebert, who said "Seeing this movie once is not enough." I'm thinking it was, in fact, enough.
Back of the box: "They didn't win a Nobel Prize, throw a record fastball or travel another acceptable path to fame. What fugitive lovers Mickey and Mallory did was kill people. Lots of people. The media took care of the rest."
RDJR plays Wayne Gale, an Australian Geraldo. Mickey and Mallory are Woody Harrelson and Juliette Lewis. Hello - need I say more? Oh, wait, I do - because this movie also featured Tommy Lee Jones, and if you recall, I told you back in the US Marshalls review that I love TLJ.
As far as the rest of my review...uhhh....This film was easily, by far, absolutely and positively the strangest thing I've ever seen. Maybe I should have watched this one earlier in the day, maybe when I was fresher - because, dear reader, words just fail. This film was friggin' weird. Kinda like an uber-violent version of Alice in Wonderland or some other opiate-induced fairy tale.
And I loved it.
I give it an 8. I also beg to differ with Roger Ebert, who said "Seeing this movie once is not enough." I'm thinking it was, in fact, enough.
Quasi-Review #23 - The Incredible Hulk (2008)
This one came from Blockbuster, so here's what the back of the case has to say:
"Academy Award Nominee Edward Norton stars as scientist Bruce Banner, a man who has been living in shadows, scouring the planet for an antidote to the unbridled force of rage within him: The Hulk. But when military masterminds who dream of exploiting his powers force him back to civilization, he finds himself coming face to face with his most formidable foe: the Abomination - a nightmarish beast of pure aggression whose powers match the Hulk's own!"
RDJR has a cameo appearance at the very end of the film as Tony Stark...Stark is possibly the coolest dude of the 21 century, always well-dressed and sporting his Rorschach facial hair. I love me some Tony Stark.
So, I did not see this film in the theater, even though the genre is also known as "Tina-mation" due to my undying love for same, because the version of this story released in 2003 was so horrific that I couldn't stand to relive it. It was so exquisitely bad, I can't even remember who was in it, other than Jennifer Connelly, and she obviously didn't portray the main character.
Notice that I'm calling this a "quasi-review". Yes, I loved the movie...yes, you should see it if you haven't already, yes, I'll give it a 9 because it was uber-action - but I have another topic of discussion for you, my little chickens. Let's talk about my slobbering love affair with the cinema.
Attention actors, directors, writers, producers, and whomever else is on set - you are doing your thing for me. Well, I don't just mean me PERSONALLY, but people like me. I am a movie junkie, and you live to serve me.
The film actually starts at the snack bar, you know. I prep myself for my evening by purchasing the trio of movie goodness (see earlier posts if you don't know what I'm talking about) and picking just the right seat. At this point, my entire experience can be adversely affected by a stale box of Milk Duds and someone taking the seat next to me. I know you can't control that, Mr. Movie Guy, but it is what it is.
You know those previews that you all paste together? I love those. I even watch them at home on DVD, when I could actually skip them if I so choose. Dude, did you SEE the Iron Man 2 preview at Sherlock? I think every woman in the theater spontaneously ovulated. Only 2 1/2 more months until IM2....oh, where was I?
Ah yes. I love films - especially the blockbuster. I spend $20 (this includes the TMG) and, in return, get to spend 2 hours watching a performance involving a zillion people spending 10 zillion dollars, just for the sole purpose of entertaining me (and, of course, relieving me of my $20). I love romantic comedies. I love little indie films. I love dramas. I really love action/adventure movies. As long as it's not incredibly stupid, incredibly vulgar, or completely pointless - I'm in. It doesn't even have to be particularly well-acted, although that's certainly a plus. I want the EXPERIENCE, baby. I want to sit in that seat with the cupholders in the armrest. I want to say "OOOHHHHHHHH" when something unexpected happens, and laugh like a hyena or bawl my eyes out if I so choose. I want to go with my best buddy, and have our usual stage-whisper "preview chat" - "We gotta see that." "That looks dumb." "I don't get that." "We gotta see that too."
I'm your target audience, Hollywood. Keep me Jonesing and I'll be throwing 20's at you for years to come. Keep producing dog vomit like "Black and White", and I'll be pulling out my DVD's, streaming "Only You" on Netflix and popping my own corn. And no junkie wants to pop their own corn.
"Academy Award Nominee Edward Norton stars as scientist Bruce Banner, a man who has been living in shadows, scouring the planet for an antidote to the unbridled force of rage within him: The Hulk. But when military masterminds who dream of exploiting his powers force him back to civilization, he finds himself coming face to face with his most formidable foe: the Abomination - a nightmarish beast of pure aggression whose powers match the Hulk's own!"
RDJR has a cameo appearance at the very end of the film as Tony Stark...Stark is possibly the coolest dude of the 21 century, always well-dressed and sporting his Rorschach facial hair. I love me some Tony Stark.
So, I did not see this film in the theater, even though the genre is also known as "Tina-mation" due to my undying love for same, because the version of this story released in 2003 was so horrific that I couldn't stand to relive it. It was so exquisitely bad, I can't even remember who was in it, other than Jennifer Connelly, and she obviously didn't portray the main character.
Notice that I'm calling this a "quasi-review". Yes, I loved the movie...yes, you should see it if you haven't already, yes, I'll give it a 9 because it was uber-action - but I have another topic of discussion for you, my little chickens. Let's talk about my slobbering love affair with the cinema.
Attention actors, directors, writers, producers, and whomever else is on set - you are doing your thing for me. Well, I don't just mean me PERSONALLY, but people like me. I am a movie junkie, and you live to serve me.
The film actually starts at the snack bar, you know. I prep myself for my evening by purchasing the trio of movie goodness (see earlier posts if you don't know what I'm talking about) and picking just the right seat. At this point, my entire experience can be adversely affected by a stale box of Milk Duds and someone taking the seat next to me. I know you can't control that, Mr. Movie Guy, but it is what it is.
You know those previews that you all paste together? I love those. I even watch them at home on DVD, when I could actually skip them if I so choose. Dude, did you SEE the Iron Man 2 preview at Sherlock? I think every woman in the theater spontaneously ovulated. Only 2 1/2 more months until IM2....oh, where was I?
Ah yes. I love films - especially the blockbuster. I spend $20 (this includes the TMG) and, in return, get to spend 2 hours watching a performance involving a zillion people spending 10 zillion dollars, just for the sole purpose of entertaining me (and, of course, relieving me of my $20). I love romantic comedies. I love little indie films. I love dramas. I really love action/adventure movies. As long as it's not incredibly stupid, incredibly vulgar, or completely pointless - I'm in. It doesn't even have to be particularly well-acted, although that's certainly a plus. I want the EXPERIENCE, baby. I want to sit in that seat with the cupholders in the armrest. I want to say "OOOHHHHHHHH" when something unexpected happens, and laugh like a hyena or bawl my eyes out if I so choose. I want to go with my best buddy, and have our usual stage-whisper "preview chat" - "We gotta see that." "That looks dumb." "I don't get that." "We gotta see that too."
I'm your target audience, Hollywood. Keep me Jonesing and I'll be throwing 20's at you for years to come. Keep producing dog vomit like "Black and White", and I'll be pulling out my DVD's, streaming "Only You" on Netflix and popping my own corn. And no junkie wants to pop their own corn.
Saturday, February 13, 2010
Review #22 - Less Than Zero (1987)
Netflix says:
"When Clay (Andrew McCarthy) comes home from college, he finds that his former girlfriend (Jami Gertz) and his best friend (Robert Downey Jr.) have established a relationship - and with it, a fondness for clubs, wild parties and endless amounts of cocaine. Based on the novel by Brett Easton Ellis, director Marek Kanievska's film explores the drug culture of wealthy teens and the downward spiral that can ensue when no one's watching."
Okay, dear reader, let's get it out there. Let's discuss our hero's PAST. (Pronounced 'pah-st' for maximum effectiveness).
I make a concerted effort NOT to consider RDJR's work since 2003 through the lens of his past lifestyle and issues. Have you watched E or read People or whatever your poison may be, and noticed that in every bleedin' mention of Tropic Thunder, Iron Man, Sherlock, etc...we have to throw in RDJR's PAST. "Oh, he's doing so well, having struggled through and conquered his PAST. You know he has a PAST, right? Well, if you don't recall, here's a few details about his PAST...oh, and while you are at it, go see Tropic Thunder."
Gimme a friggin' break. We all have a PAST. Maybe not as colorful, certainly not as public - but there it is. Maybe RDJR's publicist encourages it - maybe he himself doesn't even mind the discussion - but I say, for twinkie's sake, let it go. Most of that stuff happened 10+ years ago, people. Move on.
That being said...I can't help it with this film.
Watching "Less Than Zero" was a lot like watching Fat Elvis sing. Remember the Hawaii show, where Elvis was all bloaty and farty (must have been a foamy latte') and forgot words to songs he had been singing for 20 years? Well, at the time, the women in the audience were still all freaking out and tossing their panties on stage anyway, because after all, this is Elvis-The King. He might be a little pudgy, but we all know of his penchant for late-night mashed potatoes. And the words...well, he's a busy guy, you know, and can't be expected to remember EVERYTHING. After his death, even those who were willfully blinded to his obviously altered state on that stage could see that homeskillet had an issue with drug abuse. That's how this movie is. RDJR's performance was outstanding and worth herald...but watching it, I couldn't help but think of how his life was about to really, really imitate art. I had chills for the entire film, and at more than one point, really came close to just shutting it down. I dub this "Fat Elvis Syndrome".
Chalk another one up for science. I've invented a new syndrome.
How was the actual movie? Spader and RDJR, great. McCarthy, average. Gertz...why? I give it a 7.
"When Clay (Andrew McCarthy) comes home from college, he finds that his former girlfriend (Jami Gertz) and his best friend (Robert Downey Jr.) have established a relationship - and with it, a fondness for clubs, wild parties and endless amounts of cocaine. Based on the novel by Brett Easton Ellis, director Marek Kanievska's film explores the drug culture of wealthy teens and the downward spiral that can ensue when no one's watching."
Okay, dear reader, let's get it out there. Let's discuss our hero's PAST. (Pronounced 'pah-st' for maximum effectiveness).
I make a concerted effort NOT to consider RDJR's work since 2003 through the lens of his past lifestyle and issues. Have you watched E or read People or whatever your poison may be, and noticed that in every bleedin' mention of Tropic Thunder, Iron Man, Sherlock, etc...we have to throw in RDJR's PAST. "Oh, he's doing so well, having struggled through and conquered his PAST. You know he has a PAST, right? Well, if you don't recall, here's a few details about his PAST...oh, and while you are at it, go see Tropic Thunder."
Gimme a friggin' break. We all have a PAST. Maybe not as colorful, certainly not as public - but there it is. Maybe RDJR's publicist encourages it - maybe he himself doesn't even mind the discussion - but I say, for twinkie's sake, let it go. Most of that stuff happened 10+ years ago, people. Move on.
That being said...I can't help it with this film.
Watching "Less Than Zero" was a lot like watching Fat Elvis sing. Remember the Hawaii show, where Elvis was all bloaty and farty (must have been a foamy latte') and forgot words to songs he had been singing for 20 years? Well, at the time, the women in the audience were still all freaking out and tossing their panties on stage anyway, because after all, this is Elvis-The King. He might be a little pudgy, but we all know of his penchant for late-night mashed potatoes. And the words...well, he's a busy guy, you know, and can't be expected to remember EVERYTHING. After his death, even those who were willfully blinded to his obviously altered state on that stage could see that homeskillet had an issue with drug abuse. That's how this movie is. RDJR's performance was outstanding and worth herald...but watching it, I couldn't help but think of how his life was about to really, really imitate art. I had chills for the entire film, and at more than one point, really came close to just shutting it down. I dub this "Fat Elvis Syndrome".
Chalk another one up for science. I've invented a new syndrome.
How was the actual movie? Spader and RDJR, great. McCarthy, average. Gertz...why? I give it a 7.
Friday, February 12, 2010
Review #21 - Zodiac (2007)
Mostly because I wanted to get out of the house, my son and I hit Blockbuster tonight. This is a 3-day weekend, you know, and I managed to make it home with 3 RDJR movies from my list, along with a copy of "Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs." Just so we are all clear, I won't be reviewing that one; I will, however, be watching it tomorrow afternoon with my 10-year old. I predict an utterly scientific President's Day.
So, here's what the back of the case has to say about Zodiac:
"Based on the true story of the notorious serial killer and the intense manhunt he inspired, Zodiac is a superbly crafted thriller from the director of Seven and Panic Room. Featuring an outstanding ensemble cast led by Jake Gyllenhaal, Robert Downey Jr., Mark Ruffalo and Chloe Sevigny, Zodiac is a searing and singularly haunting examination of twin obsessions: one man's desire to kill and another's quest for truth."
Point number one - this movie was long. Point number two - I really wish I could have seen it in the theater. Point number three - I have no clue how a movie is cast, but whomever handles that earned their paycheck on this film. You know how sometimes you watch a film and think, "Gee if only (fill in the blank) would have played (fill in the blank), this movie would have been perfect!" Well, you don't have that problem here. Everyone is exactly the right fit.
Side note - I'm amazed that Variety hasn't contacted me yet, crawling across broken glass and begging me to write for them - my grasp on Hollywood is truly profound, isn't it.
Anyhoo, this was a fabulous movie...if you are into crime drama, watch it.
I give this one a 9.
So, here's what the back of the case has to say about Zodiac:
"Based on the true story of the notorious serial killer and the intense manhunt he inspired, Zodiac is a superbly crafted thriller from the director of Seven and Panic Room. Featuring an outstanding ensemble cast led by Jake Gyllenhaal, Robert Downey Jr., Mark Ruffalo and Chloe Sevigny, Zodiac is a searing and singularly haunting examination of twin obsessions: one man's desire to kill and another's quest for truth."
Point number one - this movie was long. Point number two - I really wish I could have seen it in the theater. Point number three - I have no clue how a movie is cast, but whomever handles that earned their paycheck on this film. You know how sometimes you watch a film and think, "Gee if only (fill in the blank) would have played (fill in the blank), this movie would have been perfect!" Well, you don't have that problem here. Everyone is exactly the right fit.
Side note - I'm amazed that Variety hasn't contacted me yet, crawling across broken glass and begging me to write for them - my grasp on Hollywood is truly profound, isn't it.
Anyhoo, this was a fabulous movie...if you are into crime drama, watch it.
I give this one a 9.
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Pet Peeve Thursday - Round 2
Fasten your seatbelts, dear reader - it's time for another installment of Pet Peeve Thursday!
1. The overuse of the word 'stress'- you can't be "stressed" 24/7, sorry
2. When packages are opened, part of the items removed, and the wrapper left on the remainder - i.e. toilet paper packs, reams of paper
3. People who think they are experts on any given topic because they watch the History Channel
Your turn!
1. The overuse of the word 'stress'- you can't be "stressed" 24/7, sorry
2. When packages are opened, part of the items removed, and the wrapper left on the remainder - i.e. toilet paper packs, reams of paper
3. People who think they are experts on any given topic because they watch the History Channel
Your turn!
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Review #20 - Black and White (1999)
Netflix says:
"Writer-director James Toback crafted this sprawling New York City ensemble piece to be improvised like live theater, with unique and satisfying results. A huge cast of actors, rappers and celebrities (including Brooke Shields, Mike Tyson, Robert Downey Jr. and Ben Stiller) play out a drama that unfolds as black and white America combine - and abrade - on Manhattan's streets."
Hey, Toback - evidently nobody has ever told you this -
"EDGY" does not equal GOOD. "CONTROVERSIAL" does not equal GOOD. "PROFANE" does not equal GOOD. It is entirely possible for even YOU to make an edgy, controversial, profane movie that SUCKS.
Pointless, insulting, idiotic. Made me wish, with a sense of nostalgic longing, that I was watching "Up the Academy" instead. At least that movie was intentionally stupid.
Bright spot - gay RDJR hitting on Mike Tyson. Unfortunately, that scene lasted about 3 minutes, which left me with an hour and 36 minutes of the Jerry Springer Show, smattered with celebrities.
There's a reason you've never heard of this one. Consider yourselves lucky. I'm going to go soak my eyes in Windex now.
Rating? Please. What is the smallest fractional number between 0 and 1? That's what I give this one.
"Writer-director James Toback crafted this sprawling New York City ensemble piece to be improvised like live theater, with unique and satisfying results. A huge cast of actors, rappers and celebrities (including Brooke Shields, Mike Tyson, Robert Downey Jr. and Ben Stiller) play out a drama that unfolds as black and white America combine - and abrade - on Manhattan's streets."
Hey, Toback - evidently nobody has ever told you this -
"EDGY" does not equal GOOD. "CONTROVERSIAL" does not equal GOOD. "PROFANE" does not equal GOOD. It is entirely possible for even YOU to make an edgy, controversial, profane movie that SUCKS.
Pointless, insulting, idiotic. Made me wish, with a sense of nostalgic longing, that I was watching "Up the Academy" instead. At least that movie was intentionally stupid.
Bright spot - gay RDJR hitting on Mike Tyson. Unfortunately, that scene lasted about 3 minutes, which left me with an hour and 36 minutes of the Jerry Springer Show, smattered with celebrities.
There's a reason you've never heard of this one. Consider yourselves lucky. I'm going to go soak my eyes in Windex now.
Rating? Please. What is the smallest fractional number between 0 and 1? That's what I give this one.
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
You Are So Random
I can't think of anything to write about today. No movies to review...nothing going on in my life that I haven't already told you about...no amusing anecdotes about my day.
So, here are....
23 Random Facts About Tina
1. I seriously dislike melted cheddar cheese. Put it on my food, I'll scrape it off.
2. When I get upset, I rub the corners of my mouth.
3. Without my contacts, I'm legally blind.
4. I wish I could speak Italian.
5. I once won a Seventeen Magazine writing contest.
6. I get really grossed out when people clip their nails in public.
7. I keep special pens on my desk for "guests" to use, and I throw them away when they leave. If they somehow get a hold of MY pen by accident, I rub it down with hand sanitizer.
8. I can't watch when someone draws blood out of my arm, but I can watch someone do it to you.
9. I dislike driving. If I were rich, I'd never drive a car again.
10. I'm allergic to milk products, yeast, chicken eggs and cane sugar, but since life wouldn't be worth living without them, I just pretend like I'm not.
11. I'm not crazy about kids in general. I like my kids, and I like your kids if they act like mine.
12. If I would have joined the Air Force instead of the Navy, I probably would have stayed in until retirement.
13. I will throw away an entire plate of food if there's a single hair on it, no matter how hungry I am.
14. My bra and panties need to match (color, at least).
15. I love going to school. I would be a chronic college student if possible.
16. When I watch TV or a movie, I mentally "write in" other characters and subplots. This habit has spanned several seasons for certain shows.
17. I've always wanted to train like a boxer (bag only - no sparring, thank you).
18. I still believe that the best is yet to come, which is not always a good character trait, no matter what they tell you.
19. I could work for Donald Trump and not get fired.
20. I blush way too easily.
21. I'm optimistic/stupid enough to believe that I could still be a famous author, even though I'm 40 and I've never actually written anything.
22. I love to sing, but would never do it in front of people.
23. I would be perfectly content to wear my Nikes, jeans, and a sweater every day for the rest of my life.
There you have it. You now know more about me than any other person on the planet, dear reader. Use this knowledge wisely.
So, here are....
23 Random Facts About Tina
1. I seriously dislike melted cheddar cheese. Put it on my food, I'll scrape it off.
2. When I get upset, I rub the corners of my mouth.
3. Without my contacts, I'm legally blind.
4. I wish I could speak Italian.
5. I once won a Seventeen Magazine writing contest.
6. I get really grossed out when people clip their nails in public.
7. I keep special pens on my desk for "guests" to use, and I throw them away when they leave. If they somehow get a hold of MY pen by accident, I rub it down with hand sanitizer.
8. I can't watch when someone draws blood out of my arm, but I can watch someone do it to you.
9. I dislike driving. If I were rich, I'd never drive a car again.
10. I'm allergic to milk products, yeast, chicken eggs and cane sugar, but since life wouldn't be worth living without them, I just pretend like I'm not.
11. I'm not crazy about kids in general. I like my kids, and I like your kids if they act like mine.
12. If I would have joined the Air Force instead of the Navy, I probably would have stayed in until retirement.
13. I will throw away an entire plate of food if there's a single hair on it, no matter how hungry I am.
14. My bra and panties need to match (color, at least).
15. I love going to school. I would be a chronic college student if possible.
16. When I watch TV or a movie, I mentally "write in" other characters and subplots. This habit has spanned several seasons for certain shows.
17. I've always wanted to train like a boxer (bag only - no sparring, thank you).
18. I still believe that the best is yet to come, which is not always a good character trait, no matter what they tell you.
19. I could work for Donald Trump and not get fired.
20. I blush way too easily.
21. I'm optimistic/stupid enough to believe that I could still be a famous author, even though I'm 40 and I've never actually written anything.
22. I love to sing, but would never do it in front of people.
23. I would be perfectly content to wear my Nikes, jeans, and a sweater every day for the rest of my life.
There you have it. You now know more about me than any other person on the planet, dear reader. Use this knowledge wisely.
Monday, February 8, 2010
Review #19 - True Believer (1989)
I streamed this movie - so this summary is courtesy of rottentomatoes.com:
"James Woods stars as a William Kuntsler-style lawyer in this tale of injustice and renewed dignity. In the 1960s, idealistic advocate Eddie Dodd courted controversy by defending outspoken youths and free spirits. Alas, in the 20 years since, he has succumbed to cynicism. Nowadays, perpetually stoned, he protects coke dealers who pay for his services with paper bags full of cash. Then Eddie takes on an assistant, Roger Baron, who brings to his attention the case of a wrongly imprisoned Asian man. Suddenly Eddie's conscience is sparked, and he sets out to clear the man's name. As Eddie investigates the crime, he encounters on-the-take police officers, dirty D.A.s, and even neo-Nazis every step along the way. Eddie not only must help an unjustly accused man but salvage his own self-confidence--and stay alive--as well. TRUE BELIEVER, directed by Joseph Ruben, features terrific performances by James Woods and Robert Downey Jr."
First of all, a little life narrative for you. Today I am sick. I'm sitting in my chair with a raging headache, coughing up things that shouldn't be found in my lungs, and feeling generally miserable. No, I take that back. I'm not miserable. I'm pissed. I've been feeling basically lousy for days, and I'm tired of feeling bad. I'm not sick enough to sleep 20 hours a day, but not well enough to do anything other than sit here. I'm pissed-off sick.
So, what else is there to do, but stream a Netflix movie. Side note - of my remaining films, and there are A BUNCH, no more are available in this format. The Project will be at the mercy of the United States Postal Service.
At least I got to watch a good movie. I liked this one. James Woods with a ponytail and an assortment of really ugly ties, bound together with a g*d-awful 80's synthesizer-electric guitar soundtrack. What's not to love?
Our hero looked like a grown-up Harry Potter with his big round glasses and striped scarf.
I give this one an 8, actually. It was diverting, but not fabulous. I liked it, but I won't exactly be quoting it.
"James Woods stars as a William Kuntsler-style lawyer in this tale of injustice and renewed dignity. In the 1960s, idealistic advocate Eddie Dodd courted controversy by defending outspoken youths and free spirits. Alas, in the 20 years since, he has succumbed to cynicism. Nowadays, perpetually stoned, he protects coke dealers who pay for his services with paper bags full of cash. Then Eddie takes on an assistant, Roger Baron, who brings to his attention the case of a wrongly imprisoned Asian man. Suddenly Eddie's conscience is sparked, and he sets out to clear the man's name. As Eddie investigates the crime, he encounters on-the-take police officers, dirty D.A.s, and even neo-Nazis every step along the way. Eddie not only must help an unjustly accused man but salvage his own self-confidence--and stay alive--as well. TRUE BELIEVER, directed by Joseph Ruben, features terrific performances by James Woods and Robert Downey Jr."
First of all, a little life narrative for you. Today I am sick. I'm sitting in my chair with a raging headache, coughing up things that shouldn't be found in my lungs, and feeling generally miserable. No, I take that back. I'm not miserable. I'm pissed. I've been feeling basically lousy for days, and I'm tired of feeling bad. I'm not sick enough to sleep 20 hours a day, but not well enough to do anything other than sit here. I'm pissed-off sick.
So, what else is there to do, but stream a Netflix movie. Side note - of my remaining films, and there are A BUNCH, no more are available in this format. The Project will be at the mercy of the United States Postal Service.
At least I got to watch a good movie. I liked this one. James Woods with a ponytail and an assortment of really ugly ties, bound together with a g*d-awful 80's synthesizer-electric guitar soundtrack. What's not to love?
Our hero looked like a grown-up Harry Potter with his big round glasses and striped scarf.
I give this one an 8, actually. It was diverting, but not fabulous. I liked it, but I won't exactly be quoting it.
Sunday, February 7, 2010
Review #18 - Chances Are (1989)
Netflix says:
"A celestial boo-boo sends soul-in-limbo Louie Jeffries into the body of Alex Finch (Robert Downey Jr.) in this heavenly romantic comedy. Louie lies dormant until Alex starts dating Miranda (Mary Stuart Masterson)-the daughter of Louie's widow, Corinne (Cybil Shepard). When Louie's memories are unleashed, Emile Ardolino's film gets as complex as a Shakespearean comedy, forcing all the players to sort out the remarkable events."
As complex as a Shakespearean comedy? Must be a reference to Alex Shakespeare, who wrote scripts for "Double Trouble" back in the 80's. This film is as complex as a bowl of instant mashed potatoes...without salt.
By the way, if you actually REMEMBER that show, we need to talk. Maybe we could get a discount if we go to therapy together. Anyhoo, back to the review at hand.
Have you ever been to a restaurant, ordered a bleu cheese-stuffed steak and been presented with a plate of Spam? That's how I feel. I ordered a romantic comedy, and I got Spammed.
If you are into the "reincarnation" plot line, watch "Heart and Souls", which we've already submitted to our experiment. It's a much, much, much better film.
I give this one a 6, because it had a "love theme" by Peter Cetera and Cher...back in the day when films still had "love themes." Ah......the 80's.
"A celestial boo-boo sends soul-in-limbo Louie Jeffries into the body of Alex Finch (Robert Downey Jr.) in this heavenly romantic comedy. Louie lies dormant until Alex starts dating Miranda (Mary Stuart Masterson)-the daughter of Louie's widow, Corinne (Cybil Shepard). When Louie's memories are unleashed, Emile Ardolino's film gets as complex as a Shakespearean comedy, forcing all the players to sort out the remarkable events."
As complex as a Shakespearean comedy? Must be a reference to Alex Shakespeare, who wrote scripts for "Double Trouble" back in the 80's. This film is as complex as a bowl of instant mashed potatoes...without salt.
By the way, if you actually REMEMBER that show, we need to talk. Maybe we could get a discount if we go to therapy together. Anyhoo, back to the review at hand.
Have you ever been to a restaurant, ordered a bleu cheese-stuffed steak and been presented with a plate of Spam? That's how I feel. I ordered a romantic comedy, and I got Spammed.
If you are into the "reincarnation" plot line, watch "Heart and Souls", which we've already submitted to our experiment. It's a much, much, much better film.
I give this one a 6, because it had a "love theme" by Peter Cetera and Cher...back in the day when films still had "love themes." Ah......the 80's.
Saturday, February 6, 2010
Review #17 - 1969 (1988)
From The Bard at Netflix:
"Two college buddies and their families deal with the sad consequences of the Vietnam War. The two small-town teenagers learn through love, death and war what friendship and freedom mean in America. Filled with upheaval and protest, 1969 was the year that split the world apart but brought a generation together."
So, I'm sure you will think this is egocentric and more than a little unbalanced - but I am very possessive and proud of my personal stats. My name is Tina - I love that name. I don't know a lot of other people named Tina. When I do hear about someone else named "Tina", I get irritated that they are using MY name. Even better - my real first name is "Katherina", and NOBODY has that name, baby. All mine.
My birth month is September. September is the perfect month. It's still a little warm, but not too warm, and a little cool, but not too cool. You get to go back to school in September and wear your new school clothes and use your new Pee-Chee. I like the way it sounds when it rolls off your tongue. Say it with me, little chickens. September. That's my month.
My birth date is the 23rd. I am partial to the number 23. I like the way it looks when you write it. It's double digits, which everyone knows is better than a single digit. They even made a movie about the number 23 with Jim Carrey a few years ago. This, of course, is concrete evidence of the superiority of the number 23. My number, baby.
I was born in 1969. Still in the 60's. We went to the moon in '69. We weren't yet in the musically tragic 70's. Bryan Adams sang a song about the Summer of '69, and it was a really cool song, now wasn't it. Being born in 1969 means you grew up in the 80's, and well that was just frickin' awesome.
So....a movie about my year. Must be wonderful, right?
1969 features Kiefer Sutherland channeling Hogwarts with his droopy hair and glasses; Winona Ryder, looking like she has for 20+ years, and RDJR, who portrays a guy named "Ralph". Excuse me, RALPH?
I will pause a moment while we all remember the Cheech and Chong "His name is RALPH, man!" routine.
This average film would be pretty forgettable, were we not in a war in Iraq, and were I not a mother who has had to send her son off to war. There's a scene where Kiefer's brother, a Marine, gets put on a bus by his dad, bound for his deployment to Vietnam. Believe it or not, I almost forgot that I had actually LIVED that scene until it was halfway over. I was sitting here, drinking Diet Dr. Pepper, and thinking - "wow, how hard to let your child go like that." Then the lightning bolt smacks me, and I remember, "hey, you stupid idiot, you did that exact thing not 5 months ago." Which led to the inevitable case of Mommy Guilt.
Of course, the boy comes home in a flag-draped coffin, just like we knew he would. You can probably imagine - that's not a mental picture I wish to dwell upon.
Our hero's memorable moment is when he OD's on LSD and starts flopping around on the floor in his underwear with his eyes rolled back in his head. Actors seem to employ the "eyes rolling back in the head" thing a lot. Whenever I see it, I think "man, that must really, really hurt", as opposed to what I should be thinking about, which is the actual scene.
My review? If it was an essay, I'd give it a C-, so I guess we'll go with a 7. Not a BAD movie, but not terribly GOOD, either. Kinda like generic Jello.
"Two college buddies and their families deal with the sad consequences of the Vietnam War. The two small-town teenagers learn through love, death and war what friendship and freedom mean in America. Filled with upheaval and protest, 1969 was the year that split the world apart but brought a generation together."
So, I'm sure you will think this is egocentric and more than a little unbalanced - but I am very possessive and proud of my personal stats. My name is Tina - I love that name. I don't know a lot of other people named Tina. When I do hear about someone else named "Tina", I get irritated that they are using MY name. Even better - my real first name is "Katherina", and NOBODY has that name, baby. All mine.
My birth month is September. September is the perfect month. It's still a little warm, but not too warm, and a little cool, but not too cool. You get to go back to school in September and wear your new school clothes and use your new Pee-Chee. I like the way it sounds when it rolls off your tongue. Say it with me, little chickens. September. That's my month.
My birth date is the 23rd. I am partial to the number 23. I like the way it looks when you write it. It's double digits, which everyone knows is better than a single digit. They even made a movie about the number 23 with Jim Carrey a few years ago. This, of course, is concrete evidence of the superiority of the number 23. My number, baby.
I was born in 1969. Still in the 60's. We went to the moon in '69. We weren't yet in the musically tragic 70's. Bryan Adams sang a song about the Summer of '69, and it was a really cool song, now wasn't it. Being born in 1969 means you grew up in the 80's, and well that was just frickin' awesome.
So....a movie about my year. Must be wonderful, right?
1969 features Kiefer Sutherland channeling Hogwarts with his droopy hair and glasses; Winona Ryder, looking like she has for 20+ years, and RDJR, who portrays a guy named "Ralph". Excuse me, RALPH?
I will pause a moment while we all remember the Cheech and Chong "His name is RALPH, man!" routine.
This average film would be pretty forgettable, were we not in a war in Iraq, and were I not a mother who has had to send her son off to war. There's a scene where Kiefer's brother, a Marine, gets put on a bus by his dad, bound for his deployment to Vietnam. Believe it or not, I almost forgot that I had actually LIVED that scene until it was halfway over. I was sitting here, drinking Diet Dr. Pepper, and thinking - "wow, how hard to let your child go like that." Then the lightning bolt smacks me, and I remember, "hey, you stupid idiot, you did that exact thing not 5 months ago." Which led to the inevitable case of Mommy Guilt.
Of course, the boy comes home in a flag-draped coffin, just like we knew he would. You can probably imagine - that's not a mental picture I wish to dwell upon.
Our hero's memorable moment is when he OD's on LSD and starts flopping around on the floor in his underwear with his eyes rolled back in his head. Actors seem to employ the "eyes rolling back in the head" thing a lot. Whenever I see it, I think "man, that must really, really hurt", as opposed to what I should be thinking about, which is the actual scene.
My review? If it was an essay, I'd give it a C-, so I guess we'll go with a 7. Not a BAD movie, but not terribly GOOD, either. Kinda like generic Jello.
Thursday, February 4, 2010
DQ Therapy
Well, the word is out. I officially told someone outside of my office that my husband and I are basically separated (even though we still live together, and will continue to, for those of you who care).
I anticipated that this would probably happen this year - hence my initial blog post telling you, my dear reader, that this year was going to be bad - but I didn't think it would be so soon. I figured I still had months before complete marital collapse.
There's a strange sense of relief in telling someone outside your immediate circle that your life is in the toilet. And you probably think this sounds weird, but there's a calm that has come over me since I stopped wearing my wedding ring. No more need to pretend, no more facade to pack around like Aunt Ruthie's old dresser.
My friend and I met at our usual therapy location - Dairy Queen. I ate a burger and fries and sucked down a Dr. Pepper like it was 110 in the shade. Must be the lack of junk food in my life lately...it was pretty darn good. Or maybe it was the company. Sheila - you rock.
Now I have details to address. The practical aspects of living together without living together are daunting. I don't have the energy or desire to think about that right now. I'm just going to ride this trans-fat wave for a few more hours, and maybe we can talk tomorrow. Good night, dear reader.
I anticipated that this would probably happen this year - hence my initial blog post telling you, my dear reader, that this year was going to be bad - but I didn't think it would be so soon. I figured I still had months before complete marital collapse.
There's a strange sense of relief in telling someone outside your immediate circle that your life is in the toilet. And you probably think this sounds weird, but there's a calm that has come over me since I stopped wearing my wedding ring. No more need to pretend, no more facade to pack around like Aunt Ruthie's old dresser.
My friend and I met at our usual therapy location - Dairy Queen. I ate a burger and fries and sucked down a Dr. Pepper like it was 110 in the shade. Must be the lack of junk food in my life lately...it was pretty darn good. Or maybe it was the company. Sheila - you rock.
Now I have details to address. The practical aspects of living together without living together are daunting. I don't have the energy or desire to think about that right now. I'm just going to ride this trans-fat wave for a few more hours, and maybe we can talk tomorrow. Good night, dear reader.
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
A Dark Day
Today was a dark, dark day. At 5 a.m. the Academy Award nominees were announced. Our hero was snubbed yet again.
How can you win a Golden Globe for a role, and not even get NOMINATED for the Oscar, I ask? How? And HELLO? The Soloist too? Geesh. What's a guy gotta do to win an Oscar in this town?
All I know is, I saw Sherlock twice (I even PAID to see it one of those times) and I didn't see Avatar - don't care to.
So take that, Little Gold Man.
How can you win a Golden Globe for a role, and not even get NOMINATED for the Oscar, I ask? How? And HELLO? The Soloist too? Geesh. What's a guy gotta do to win an Oscar in this town?
All I know is, I saw Sherlock twice (I even PAID to see it one of those times) and I didn't see Avatar - don't care to.
So take that, Little Gold Man.
Monday, February 1, 2010
Review #16 - Game 6 (2005)
From our friends at Netflix:
"Lengendary scribe Don DeLillo wrote this fascinating film about a New York playwright, Nicky Rogan (Michael Keaton), who's immersed in failure. Unable to ride the coattails of success no matter how hard he tries, Nicky distracts himself from his endless career woes by obsessing about those of others -- namely, the perpetual underdogs of baseball, the Boston Red Sox. But Nicky can't sit out the game of life forever. Michael Hoffman directs."
So, when you read that little synopsis, what do you think? I'll tell you what you think. You think, "Man, what a lame snoozer waste of cash." Bear with me, chickens.
First of all, this movie is set in 1986. Michael Keaton (g*d, I love him, don't you?) is a Red Sox fan. Ya'll recall the 1986 World Series? I don't follow baseball, and even I know what happened in Game 6. So this is our backdrop.
RDJR plays theater critic Steven Schwimmer, the bane of the existence of every theatrical schmoe within 100 miles of NYC. He's a total freakazoid hermit-type who lacerates everyone within reach of his pen, and he's about to go see Nicky's newest play. Nicky spends his day dreading the review and anticipating the upcoming Sox game...work in his down-and-out buddy, daughter, estranged wife, lots of taxi cabs....
I won't spoil it for you, because you should rent this one. I loved it. Loved it loved it. Don't let Netflix fool you. This is a really, really funny film, if you are into quirky weird movies. Which, as you certainly know by now, I pretty much am.
It occurs to me that I, your humble correspondent, AM Steven Schwimmer. Reviewer extraordinaire - cloaked in anonymity. RDJR most certainly hasn't heard of this blog (yet), but I would imagine that, at seemingly random times of day, a few keys are stroked in a land far, far away - and a dark shadow passes over his artist soul and gives him a little shudder. My, my, he thinks. Whatever could it be? Perhaps he brushes it off, with a small shake of his head and self-deprecating tip of the chin. Or...perhaps....like the beating of a heart buried under a floorboard...it tasks him....
Or not.
This one is an 8.
"Lengendary scribe Don DeLillo wrote this fascinating film about a New York playwright, Nicky Rogan (Michael Keaton), who's immersed in failure. Unable to ride the coattails of success no matter how hard he tries, Nicky distracts himself from his endless career woes by obsessing about those of others -- namely, the perpetual underdogs of baseball, the Boston Red Sox. But Nicky can't sit out the game of life forever. Michael Hoffman directs."
So, when you read that little synopsis, what do you think? I'll tell you what you think. You think, "Man, what a lame snoozer waste of cash." Bear with me, chickens.
First of all, this movie is set in 1986. Michael Keaton (g*d, I love him, don't you?) is a Red Sox fan. Ya'll recall the 1986 World Series? I don't follow baseball, and even I know what happened in Game 6. So this is our backdrop.
RDJR plays theater critic Steven Schwimmer, the bane of the existence of every theatrical schmoe within 100 miles of NYC. He's a total freakazoid hermit-type who lacerates everyone within reach of his pen, and he's about to go see Nicky's newest play. Nicky spends his day dreading the review and anticipating the upcoming Sox game...work in his down-and-out buddy, daughter, estranged wife, lots of taxi cabs....
I won't spoil it for you, because you should rent this one. I loved it. Loved it loved it. Don't let Netflix fool you. This is a really, really funny film, if you are into quirky weird movies. Which, as you certainly know by now, I pretty much am.
It occurs to me that I, your humble correspondent, AM Steven Schwimmer. Reviewer extraordinaire - cloaked in anonymity. RDJR most certainly hasn't heard of this blog (yet), but I would imagine that, at seemingly random times of day, a few keys are stroked in a land far, far away - and a dark shadow passes over his artist soul and gives him a little shudder. My, my, he thinks. Whatever could it be? Perhaps he brushes it off, with a small shake of his head and self-deprecating tip of the chin. Or...perhaps....like the beating of a heart buried under a floorboard...it tasks him....
Or not.
This one is an 8.
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