Friday, July 30, 2010

A Weekend Without Movies Is Like A Weekend Without Sunshine

I recently ordered a VHS of one of Our Hero's movies from Amazon. Cost me $4.85, and yes, that includes shipping. Where is it, you ask? Good question. I had truly hoped it would arrive today so that I could serve up a witty review upon a silver platter for you, my dearest reader. But alas - no movie. Maybe Monday. Keep the faith.

Oh, and I found a "missing" movie on Netflix, queued it up, and guess what - I have a "short wait" before it comes. When it rains, it pours, does it not?

So, it's Friday night and I have 2 "pending" movies for you, but nothing to offer up. Tav and I are sitting here watching "The Soloist" for about the 80th time. I'm guessing you don't want me to review it again.

I'm sorry to have let you all down.

Oh, and to top it all off - Tav and I are going with friends to the waterslides tomorrow. It should be around 100 outside, so yes, it will be a good day for it. Fun, you say? Well, let's factor in something you may not have considered...the bathing suit. I had to go to WalMart and buy a bathing suit, because you can't just run down to the store at the end of July and buy one. The wool coats are out now, for Pete's sake. Anyhow, it's obscenely large and, I'm sure, incredibly unflattering. Fun fun fun fun.

This, however, will be changing in the near future when I unveil the topic of my next blog. Ah, the suspense...it's agonizing, isn't it!!!!

Humor me and tell me it's agonizing.

Monday, July 26, 2010

Whadda Week

Have you ever looked back over your week, pinched the upper part of the bridge of your nose between your thumb and index finger, and wondered how on earth you managed to survive it? I'm there today.

Topic 1:

My week starts with my oldest son's debit card being used in large sums of money - around $1k - in Germany and Italy. Is your son there, the bank asks? Why no, I say. To my knowledge, he is sitting in Baghdad. So they froze his bank account. Well, guess who got a few days' leave and took off to Europe without telling his mom? Bingo. So I spent 3 days trying to get 2 Western Unions to go through to him in Italy so he wouldn't starve.

By the way, it's not as easy to send a Western Union as they make it look on TV.

Topic 2:

So then on Thursday night, I start my second job at a local department store...basically working weekends. I wanted to have a little extra cash on hand since I will have 2 daughters in college, and my savings account is sucking air. Money=freedom=options for Your Fearless Leader. Well, bring in the band, because I have a sneaking suspicion that my child support might develop some "issues" in the very near future and my "extra money" will be conscripted into service as "grocery money." More details to follow on that later, when my suspicions are either confirmed or squelched.

Topic 3:

My 19-year old daughter informed me at 10 p.m. on Saturday that she was moving out on Sunday. She's moving in with a friend of hers, about 2 blocks from where I work. I am okay with this...but a little "heads-up" would have made the transition a little easier on poor old Mom. Of course, she is leaving her stupid cat here. Of course.

Topic 4:

Saturday night at 9 p.m., my youngest 2 kids show up at the door unexpectedly...they were supposed to be at their dad's for the weekend. Guess what evidently didn't work out. Bingo again.

Topic 5:

Sunday, while I was working my second job, I get a call from my daughter telling me that my other daughter has driven my husband to the ER. Suffice it to say, he's not missing a limb or anything, and I don't want to talk about it, because the whole thing really, really irritates me. He has a condition that my little old 89-year old grandma also has, but when hers flairs up, she manages to take an over-the-counter pill and go to bed until she feels better. Yes, I know you think I'm heartless in the face of another's pain, but 4 rounds of natural childbirth will do that to you. So let's leave that topic at - I had to leave my new job to sit in an ER for 2 hours.

Topic 6:

Sunday night/Monday morning at 2 a.m. I had to get up and drive almost 3 hours to the airport to drop off my daughter, and then 3 hours back home again, of course. I collapse in bed and the phone starts ringing - 3 different calls between the hours of 8 and 9. Nobody EVER calls me. EVER. It's like the batman light is on over my roof or something, so everyone knows to call me and wake me up.

Now I'm semi-conscious, but writing a blog post. I have discovered that this is the optimal state for writing, actually. Or not. You be the judge.

Here's to a new week. Salud.

Friday, July 23, 2010

Extra Credit Review - Payback (2007)

We arrive at another extra-credit review. Have you ever heard of the show "Payback"? No? Well, me neither. But fear not - your courageous leader marches forth.

So, evidently celebrities trick out cars for their friends, etc. as a thank-you for putting up with being a celebrity's friend. You officially know as much about this show as I do.

RDJR took a perfectly good, brand-spanking-new H3, chopped it up, repainted it, dropped it, added a bunch of goodies, and gave it to his assistant Jimmy. Poor Jimmy had been cursed with a Camry...the shame of it all. Evidently his brakes worked, though, because he and the Camry were still in one piece.

Show's premise - not terribly interesting. Sorry. I am, however, glad that I watched it after seeing "The Last Party". It seems Our Hero is all grown up now, and may actually be a genuinely nice guy. All is right with the world.

Saturday, July 17, 2010

Review #55 - The Last Party (1993)

So, my little chickens, today I did my first "video on demand" through Amazon and watched "The Last Party." Ergo - I have no Netflix summary for you. Suffice it to say that Robert Downey did a documentary about the 1992 Presidential election. He went to both conventions. He interviewed Sean Penn and Jerry Falwell. Get the idea?

You all know of my love for the documentary format. For those of you know don't really watch documentaries, it is with a heavy heart that I tell you this tidbit about them - their quality varies WIDELY.

Side note - last night I tried to watch 2 different documentaries on Netflix and shut them both down in the first 5 minutes. Babbling brooks...closeups of flowers...yawn.

Anyhow, back to the business at hand. There were a few points where Our Hero was interviewing various and sundry pundits, where I felt my eyes begin to glaze over. All I could hear was "Charlie Brown Teacher Voice," Wah wah wah wah. I was vindicated on 2 occasions, when the camera panned to RDJR, and it was obvious from his expression that he was thinking the same thing.

I recall the 1992 election because it was the first presidential election I voted in. Other than that, not a lot of sticking points for me. It was fascinating to go back 18 years and see what people were marching in the streets about...anybody remember the last time you saw an AIDS protest? Bill Clinton was going to come in and save the day, wrestling our country back from the hands of those whose only goal in life is to oppress anyone who isn't a white male.

Well, gee...that went well, didn't it.

So, how was this documentary? The usual pseudo-neutral crap. All Democrats are young, hip, liberal, mercy-filled activists. All Republicans are fat, white, bigoted Christian idiots. Interspersed between these cardboard stand-ups we would find some self-indulgent shots of Our Hero doing quirky stuff that evidently is supposed to endear us to him. Don't get me wrong, I'd pee my pants if I ever actually saw him in person, but anyone who actually respects this documentary has got a really bad case of "this film is the product of Robert Downey Jr., the most talented actor of his generation, and therefore it just be brilliant, because after all, it was made by Robert Downey Jr., the most talented actor of his generation. Long live Chaplin" disease.

Fifty minutes into it, I was amazed at how SLOWLY time could pass. I give it a 4.

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Today is...

Today is "my favorite joke that nobody ever laughs at" day. Feel free to post your own.

Here is mine; it's a two-parter:

Why do ducks have webbed feet?
To stamp out forest fires.

Why do elephants have big, flat feet?
To stamp out flaming ducks.

I know, I know. You didn't laugh. ~insert disappointed sigh here~

Sunday, July 11, 2010

You are the Fourth to Know

I have carefully considered your responses to my last post, regarding impending doom and destruction. Run out to meet it, or hang on to the bloody end? Well, yesterday I decided to run out and shake its clammy little hand, and it is now done.

I'm leaving my church.

For all you non-Christians out there, there are specific steps set forth in the Bible that a church must take to "discipline" one of its own. The powers that be at my church have decided that I am in need of such discipline. You see, my husband has the ear of the elders, and has managed to convince them that he has done absolutely everything, short of stopping the earth's rotation, to win me back, and that I'm just being obstinate and a generally crappy wife. In this particular case, "everything to win me back" includes spending 12+ hours on the Internet every day, using profanity non-stop, ignoring me, and cessation of personal hygiene. I know, I know - what a jewel.

So this week, to punish me, I was removed from my ministry positions in the church. The next step would be to be confronted by the elders, and then a vote to remove me from membership. After consideration, I've decided not to subject my children and my friends to this shame and to just voluntarily go. And so that's what I'm doing.

I know that God will judge between me and those who have spoken against me, and I'm not afraid of that day. In the meantime, I wish them well and hope that maybe at least one of them has learned something from this experience.

Now I'm in the market for a new church....I will keep you posted.

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

If I Am Talking, You Should Be Taking Notes

I am feeling prophetic today. I predict a life-altering event will fall upon me within the next 6 months. Life-altering, as in sucky. Yes, I know what said event is, I'm not just reading tea leaves here. But I don't really want to go into detail, what with me being so intensely private and having millions and millions of readers and all. Suffice it to say that I've been measured and found wanting, and the judgment will be meted out sooner rather than later.

I've known for about 4 months now that I would face this event. It is as inevitable as it is devastating. Some people will take a great deal of pleasure in witnessing my downfall. Some will stand behind me and try to prop me back up. Most won't give a right righteous fudge. Alas, I'm just a minor player in a major motion picture. But to me, insignificant as I am, it will be the end of life as I know it.

Sometimes I think about it and hyperventilate - sob - get all twitterpated. Sometimes I think about it and know that I am resigned to my fate even as I trudge forward, kinda like how I felt the day I tried out for the jr. high cheer squad. A herculean effort in the face of certain doom.

So what do you do, my little chickens, when faced with this type of situation? Do you rip the band-aid off and run out to meet your fate? Or do you live the best you can as long as you can, knowing that it's going to shatter, delaying change until absolutely necessary? This inquiring mind wants to know.

And don't fret over me, my friends. When it finally happens, you will be the 2nd to know.

Saturday, July 3, 2010

Review #54 - Johnny Be Good (1988)

From our Netflix source: "Johnny Walker (Anthony Michael Hall) is a nice, normal teenage boy who happens to be a star football player -- such a star that he's got every college in America bucking to get him on their team. As he's lured and baited with a dizzying array of extracurricular temptations, can Johnny really be good -- and stay that way? Robert Downey Jr. co-stars."

I preface my review by going on the offense. Dearest reader, if you after reading this, you think I'm an uncultured pinhead, well - get your own blog. That being said - I didn't completely hate this movie. There...I said it. "My name is Tina, and I'm addicted to corny 80's movies." The appropriate response is, "Hi, Tina."

Okay, so Our Hero is freshly veneered and was pretty darned adorable, if I do say so myself. Uma Thurman, who really needed the number of RDJR's dentist, plays Anthony Michael Hall's girlfriend. She was annoying, clueless, eye-rolling, mouth-gaping. You know, your typical 17 year old girl. So I guess she was either really in character, or she was actually pretty close to 17.

The film could have been worse...trust me, we've seen worse over the past 6 months. (Anybody remember 'Hail Caesar'?) It was fun. The interaction between Our Hero and Hall is, well, great. Unfortunately said interaction was interspersed with some dorky content and, well, Uma.

---Momentary interruption--- Okay, people, I'm running out of adjectives to describe the performing arts. Let's see YOU try to be clever on your 54th review in 6 months, which you are writing at 10 a.m. on a Saturday after eating last night's leftover garlic fries. Geesh.

Back to business. I kinda feel sorry for Anthony Michael Hall, don't you? Didn't you just adore him in The Breakfast Club? "I'm in the Physics Club. We have a banquet every year and our parents come." Come to think of it, nobody from The Brat Pack really works much anymore, do they. I wonder where Anthony Michael Hall is today...I sense a Google coming on.

Anyhow - I'm going with a 5.5 on this one.

This is a holiday weekend. Enjoy yourselves, my little chickens, and dream tonight of obscure movies and witticisms crafted for you by a chocolate-haired beauty with dancing blue eyes. And make sure I have on a nice dress, I've always wanted to own a really nice dress.