Monday, August 30, 2010

What's Our Vector, Victor?

Status report...

Many of you (at least 3 different people) have been asking me ... "How many more movies do you have to watch before you are finished?"

This, my dear reader, is not a simple question. So I thought I'd lay it out for you as best I can.

As of right now, I have:

1 new movie, to be released in November (it's called "Due Date" and I really hate to say that the trailer didn't look that good)

1 film that's about to be released on DVD (Iron Man 2, can I get a woot woot?)

1 VHS cassette in the mail to me as we speak

1 "video on demand" available through Amazon that I'm saving for a dry spell

1 VHS that is sketchily available through Amazon; I'm waiting to see if the price drops on it

1 film that I can't find on either VHS or DVD, but RDJR's scenes are available on YouTube, so I'm going that route and calling it good

1 film that I flat-out can't find anywhere, which doesn't appear to ever have been released on video

2 documentaries that I can't find anywhere, and neither appears to have been released on video

1 TV movie that I found a pirated copy of online, and am still trying to decide whether or not I should buy it-it does have The Muppets, which is a big selling point for me, but it's technically illegal, which makes me feel guilty

4 film shorts (I think they are, like, 10 minutes long) that I'm sure I'll never find anywhere

1 season of "Family Guy" that I refuse to watch because I think that show is vulgar, and generally stupid


....and I'm halfway through a season of Ally McBeal. There are a few other TV appearances that I'm not pursuing; there is a difference between science and obsession, after all.

So there you have it. I'll let you do the math.

Thursday, August 26, 2010

Review #61 - America (1986)

Here it is, my little chickens - movie #3 from the Barf Bag. I bring you... "America."

"Discover America. Where anyone may become rich and famous in an instant. New York janitor Floyd Praeger has just won $10 million in the state lottery! With stardom, wealth and the city in his pocket, Floyd is now a primetime television interviewee. And here are just the people to capitalize on Floyd's good fortune - the crazy crew at Cable 92! Announcer Earl Justice; Bob Jolly, the sex-crazed weatherman; Tina Lyle, the beautiful, curvaceous sportscaster; and Terrence Hackley (Zach Norman, Romancing the Stone), human interest reporter. Unfortunately for Hackley, life is on the verge of catastrophe. his wife (Tony Award winner, Tammy Grimes) has just found a skirt in his briefcase. Convinced that it's his, she has threatened to divorce him. He's about to lose his job, is there salvation? The station's owner, Mr. Management, is wild with the vision of Hackley in a skirt, searching for action! The publicity, the ratings, the dollars. he promotes Hackley for a new beat - action reporter. Hackley takes to the streets, uncovering every lurid and raucous story he can find. From prison inmates to striking prostitutes, mafia bosses to millionaires, no news goes unreported. The ratings are up, the salaries are up, the gags are up - but the gig may be up when Floyd decides to invest his winnings and buy the station. Meanwhile, Gypsy (Richard Belzer, Night Shift), a cabbie obsessed with ideas of fame and fortune of his own, drives through the station's wall hoping to perform his raunchy comedy routine on the air. What could possibly happen next? Find out by tuning in to this uproarious satire - what Network did to broadcast television, America does to cable!"

I kid you not, that behemoth is the movie summary on the back of the box. To fit all of it on, it is in the tiniest little print you have ever seen. I got out my Hubble and was able to make it out, and transcribe it for you herein. All for science, my friends. All for science.

Well, I'm sure you recall my love of RDSR's movies - yes, this film is another Senior Moment. 90 minutes of nausea. I almost briefly smiled once, when the anchorman was mugged while walking down a dark street - his loss was a dead cat in a paper bag that he was toting around on behalf of a viewer. Yes, it was so clever, it almost made my eyes refocus.

Our Hero played somebody's son for about 30 seconds in the beginning of the film. I'd give you more detail, but then I'd have to remember back to the beginning, and I just don't think I can bring myself to do that.

If yesterday's turd bomb was a 1, I'll give this one a 1.2 so as not to give the impression that I'm overly harsh.

On a happy note - Iron Man 2 is coming out on DVD on September 28th. Thank God for small favors.

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Review #60 - Too Much Sun (1991)

Another VHS, courtesy of the Satchel from Hell:

"Robert Downey, Jr., Eric Idle, Ralph Macchio, Andrea Martin, and Leo Rossi star in this zany comedy of sexual confusion among the very rich. As the two eccentric children of a Beverly Hills millionaire, Sonny (Eric Idle) and Bitsy (Andrea Martin) are used to the good life. But when a crooked priest murders their father, they learn that they'll lose their $200 million inheritance unless once of them produces an heir within a year. The ensuing game of sexual musical chairs is further complicated by the arrival of Robert Downey, Jr. and Ralph Macchio as a pair of two-bit hustlers willing to be "adopted" for the right price. Directed by counter-culture hero Robert Downey (who also directed Putney Swope and Up the Academy), Too Much Sun is a raunchy and irreverent look at the lives of the rich and famous."

So, when I started this little Project 9 months ago, I figured that I'd learn a little about RDJR, and I guess I have. What I didn't anticipate was learning something about RDSR. I didn't even know such a person existed a year ago. CLARIFICATION: Well, obviously I understand how babies are conceived, and I understood that there was a Robert Downey Sr. on the planet...I MEANT that I didn't know he was a filmmaker. Geesh, do I have to explain everything?

Anyhow, Robert Downey Sr., rogue filmmaker, "counter-culture hero", has a REAL PROBLEM with religion. He has managed to bash Christians in all his films I've seen so far...and, unfortunately, I haven't yet completed my counter-culture viewing opportunities. Ugh. I think he actually has an equation for his films: (T + A) + (Christian bashing) - (Plot) = Movie. Methinks somebody needs to put the camera down and get himself a wee bit of therapy.

This film was made to be endured, not enjoyed. If you are into meditation, and want to test your tenacity at remaining focused upon your inner self, plug this one into your VCR. I guarantee that you will put yourself into whatever state is necessary to prevent making eye contact with the TV. Yes, I said VCR - for some reason, this gem hasn't made it to dvd.

Toback would watch this and think it's stupid. That's how incredibly moronic it is.

So, I'm going with a 1. Again.

2 out of the bag, 1 to go.

Bueller...Bueller...Bueller....

Ahh...the sun is out, the birds are singing, notes of Handel float on the air here in my little room...all is right with the world.

I took the day off from work and am blissfully engaged in almost no activity whatsoever. I've worked every day since July 31st, and Mama is tired. So I took a vacation day today and slept in. Made the pilgrimage to Wally World to buy a vacuum cleaner belt. Bought sundry other items and forgot the belt...darn, Mama can't vacuum on her day off.

So, I bring you...

TINA'S BIG GOALS FOR HER DAY OFF

1. Brush teeth. (check.)
2. Wash car. (check.)
3. Move Tav's dresser downstairs so that I can go through his clothes and do the "back to school sort job." Let's face it, chickens, he's 11 and he won't do it...so why should I have to go upstairs to do a chore? Dresser, therefore, must move to Mohammad.
4. Write blog post. (pending.)
5. Watch either (a) a lousy RDJR movie from the late 80's/early 90's or (b) another episode of Ally McBeal from the RDJR season.

That's pretty much it. I've already managed to perform all necessary personal hygiene, go to Wally World, wash my car, check the mail, and drink a latte', and it's only 11:56 a.m. Come to think of it - it's entirely possible that I've already done enough for the day. What do you think?

Saturday, August 21, 2010

Review #59 - Rented Lips (1987)

Before I start my in-depth analysis, I have a little anecdotal side note for you.

As of the end of this week, I am in possession of 3 "new" (to me) VHS tapes of RDJR movies. As each arrived in the mail, I looked at the cover, read the back, and threw up a little in my mouth. I knew better than to save the sludge until the end. But, alas, I was lulled into complacency by the convenience of Netflix. Now I pay the price in film lover's purgatory of dvd non-releases from the 80's.

Anyhow, I also recently subscribed to Vogue, and they sent me this little canvas tote bag as a thank you. How nice. Just what every American woman needs, another free tote bag. I tossed it under my desk, and as each of these cinematic wonders arrived, I stuck it in the bag. I then decided to name the bag. I came up with these:

1. The Barf Bag
2. Bag of Horrors
3. Icky Bag
4. Satchel from Hell

So, after you read our review, please cast your vote as to the official bag name, or come up with one of your own.

Anyhow, there's work to be done. Here's what the back of the box had to say:

"Archie (Martin Mull) and Charlie (Dick Shawn) are "serious" filmmakers whose biggest hit to date, "Aluminum, Your Shiny Friend", hasn't exactly set the box offices on fire. All this is about to change when sleazy producer Bill Slotnick (Shelley Berman) talks the twosome into finish up a dirty movie called "Rented Lips", starring Wolf Dangler (Robert Downey Jr) and Mona Lisa (Jennifer Tilly). Archie and Charlie always wanted to make a "real" movie; now they get the chance - from the bottom up!"

I would rather sit in a bathtub filled with ice water, with a tazer in one hand and a rabid dog chewing on the other, than sit through this film again. I would rather eat dirt. I would rather clean the refrigerator with my toothbrush. I would rather just not do it.

Believe it or not - I have one positive thing to say. RDJR was pretty darned funny, even though he was still really young. Go figure. So, for about 5 minutes of this 82 minute film, I didn't wish I was getting a colonoscopy instead.

So, for a number, let's go with...oh... a 1.

One out of the bag, two to go.

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Bleeding for Science

Exciting news, my little chickens! Exciting news!

Tomorrow I get to have a ROOT CANAL! And I'm going to do it WITHOUT NOVOCAINE! Now, now, I know that you are so completely envious at this moment, poised in front of your computer, jaws gaping, skin turning a lovely shade of green...why does SHE get to be so lucky??

BUT WAIT! THERE'S MORE!

The next day, I'm going to lay down in the middle of Highway 97 and see how long it takes for a tractor-trailer to run me over! Imagine the suspense as I squirm on the asphalt, blood slowly starting to boil in the 99-degree heat! My heart races at the mere mental image.

It is true, I speak metaphorically. I am sitting here looking at 2 VHS tapes that arrived today...reading the back of the box...and wondering if there's a "door #3" somewhere that I can open instead. Alas, there is not, and for the sake of science, I will trudge onward. All for you, dearest reader - all for you.

Unfortunately I must postpone the event until such a time as there are no children in the house, as both nuggets are rated R. And I think they really mean it.

Something to look forward to, in an otherwise dreary existence. If you see me in the road - don't swerve.

Thursday, August 12, 2010

Review #58 - Danger Zone (1996)

Another VHS treat for you all, from the back of the box: "A mining engineer races to clear his name and save millions of lives in this plot-twisting action adventure! Under the specter of civil war, a small African country is plagued by a second, deadlier threat: a lost cargo of toxic waste that could decimate millions of innocent tribesmen. Only Rick Morgan (Billy Zane), an American mining expert with a haunted past knows how to locate the leaking cargo. But maverick ex-spy (Robert Downey Jr) and a US envoy (Ron Silver) each have their own vested interests in Morgan's mission. As he journeys into the heart of this politically divided DANGER ZONE, Morgan unwittingly becomes a pawn in an international game of greed and conspiracy!"

There we go again with the exclamation marks.

Well, my little chickens, let's mix it up a little tonight. Rather than our usual review - as scintillating as those are - let's list:

Life Lessons from DANGER ZONE

1. There are 3 types of people in Africa: "tribesmen", "militia", and "rebels."

2. RDJR should never, NEVER, EVER adopt a Southern accent.

3. Billy Zane looks normal without hair. With hair, he doesn't look like Billy Zane.

4. Women scientists specializing in "radioactivity" evidently don't know that drinking radioactive water is bad.

5. Women scientists must always wear chamois-colored skin-tight pants and white shirts when in Africa, and those shirts never get dirty.

6. You can get a horrible gash in your leg and still hike up a waterfall, even though you need Billy Zane to help you walk on level ground.

7. If you are an African "rebel", you can get shot with an automatic assault weapon in the upper left shoulder, and you really don't get hurt all that badly. In fact, with said wound, you can still throw large boxes filled with guns and ammunition from a moving train.

8. Conversely, if you are an African "militia", your enemy just needs to wave a gun in your general direction and you fall to the ground, instantly dead.

9. Jumping from excessively high altitudes isn't dangerous, so long as you are jumping into water.

And last, but certainly not least:

10. There's no such thing as getting your ass kicked. You just keep throwing and receiving punches until someone either gets their neck broken or falls off the train.


So, all this being said - I had no clue what this movie was about while I was watching it, and after reading the back of the box, I'm still not quite sure what happened. It's definitely a 3.

Monday, August 9, 2010

USPS Evermore

As I anxiously await the arrival of our next feature presentation - USPS tracker says it's now in New Jersey, and from what I hear about both the state and our film, this is all apropos - I thought I'd check in with you all and tell you what I've been thinking about. Because I know you won't get a decent night's sleep until you hear it.

So, I'm basically working 60 hours a week now. I no longer have "days off," I now look forward to "hours off." My feet hurt. My back hurts. My 11-year old is learning the fine art of microwave cooking, because 3 days a week, Mom's not home to make dinner. This is not an optimal situation.

There are many, many, MANY times when I look into my metaphoric crystal ball and think that this is just how my life is going to be. And let me tell you what, that gets me down. But when I'm standing behind that cash register, removing ink tags from blue jeans, I remind myself that each minute I do it puts me a minute closer to getting to start my life over again. This is not forever. This is temporary.

So, without further delay - here's the:

List of Things That Tina Has Been Thinking About While Waiting for the Arrival of Our Next Movie
1. Jesus does not rubber-stamp everything the local church does.
2. There is such a thing as verbal abuse.
3. There is such a thing as emotional abuse.
4. I can't stop the snakes from biting me, but I absolutely can stop their venom from poisoning me.
5. Some people are just flat-out jerks, and it's not your fault.
6. If you want to find out who your real friends are, stand up for yourself and see who stands with you.
7. It's really hard to find an apartment/house that's affordable and allows pets.
Thus endeth my deep thoughts.

So, what have you been thinking about?

Thursday, August 5, 2010

Q and A - Part II

Greetings, little chickens - and welcome to Part II of Tina's Q and A!!!! I am your host - Tina.

You, my friends, frequently pepper me with questions about this blog and life in general. It's been a while since we did a Q and A session, and I have been compiling Q's about The Project...and the time as come to answer them. The first ones may seem familiar, but I get asked them so frequently, I thought we'd give them a second shot.

Go forth and seek knowledge!!!!!

Q: Why Robert Downey?

A: Well, why not? That aside, I started this blog right after the release of Sherlock Holmes, and he was in the news and in front of my face at the time. Plus, well, he rocks. And he's got issues.

Q: Are you obsessed with RDJR?

A: No, I am not "obsessed". I am a scientist. If you want to see "obsessed," go to www.downeyunlimited.com and gander at what the truly scary fans talk about on the message board. Holy cow. As I have said before - if I were a celebrity, I would not even leave my family room without Rowdy Roddy Piper and an AK-47 to protect me.

Little known factoid - HE is actually obsessed with ME. He calls, he writes, he sends flowers - it's a little embarrassing. But this is the price I pay to provide you, Dearest Reader, with science and enlightenment.

Q: How many more movies do you have?

A: Well that is a loaded question, because I don't think that I will be able to find at least 5 of them (some out of print/never released on dvd, and several are actually 'shorts' as opposed to full-length films). I would say, including Iron Man 2 (which I didn't review when I saw it in the theater) and Due Date (to be released in November), I've got around 12 left, plus a season of Ally McBeal.

Q: I read your blog all the time and you seem so unhappy.

A: Thank you, and that's not phrased in the form of a question. Next?

Q: If you hadn't picked RDJR, what would you have picked for a blog topic?

A: I think I would have gone with "all the Best Picture Oscar Winners". I think that would be interesting.

Q: Are you interested in filmmaking? Is that why you watch so many movies/documentaries?

A: Until I was 25, it never occurred to me that I'd be anything other than a screenplay writer when I grew up. Then I grew up. Now, I figure I've got one really, really good screenplay in me somewhere...which probably will be produced the day AFTER I die. And I just love movies. Always have.

Q: I can't believe you are into RDJR. He's a (fill in the blank as you see fit with a well-publicized episode from Our Hero's past).

A: Again, that's not phrased in the form of a question. And get over yourself. Methinks you sound a wee bit jealous. Besides, what do you know about anything anyway-you spend your evenings reading some blog by a girl from Podunk. Next?

Q: What's the next blog? I think you should do one on (fill in the blank).

A: I anticipate announcing my next blog topic around Christmas, unless I finish The Project sooner than anticipated. Fret not - it will be another year-long project, which actually will require a lot of legwork beforehand. I will not leave you out in the expanse of the World Wide Web alone, my friends. I'm here for you.


DISCLAIMER: The 'Girl from Podunk' is very grateful that you spend your evenings reading her blog, and sincerely hopes that you will continue to do so. Also, if you are a 'Downey Unlimited' member who has happened upon this site - I don't mean that YOU are mental, I'm talking about those OTHER people.

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Review #57 - Restoration (1995)

From the back of the box: "Meg Ryan and Robert Downey, Jr. head a superb cast of stars in this stylish and provocative story of love, power and seduction! Robert Merivel (Downey) is a young man who seems to have everything...until a passionate affair leads to scandal, suddenly leaving him heartbroken and penniless. But it's only after losing it all that Merivel discovers who he really is and - with the love of a beautiful woman (Ryan) - becomes the man he could never dreamed he could be! Also featuring Sam Neill and Hugh Grant, this critically acclaimed and entertaining motion picture won two 1995 Academy Awards for Best Achievement in Art Direction and Costume Design!"

Exclamation points? Dude, really?? Those were not my doing, I assure you. That's really how it's written on the box.

I tried soooo hard to like this film. Really, I did. When it came in the mail today, I showed it off to my coworkers like it was a little cocker spaniel puppy. "Look what I get to watch! Doesn't it look GOOD?!" And I love period pieces. So I was excited to use the VCR tonight for the first time in at least a year.

At first glance, it reminded me of a made-for-TV BBC film with extra nudity. The credits, music, everything smacks of "TV movie." Maybe a nice 3-night miniseries on Masterpiece Theater. I was actually cool with that; far be it from me to be a cinematic snob.

I would say it "lost steam" after the first 20 minutes, but that would be to insinuate that any such steam existed in the first place. It was 118 minutes long, which ya could have fooled me, because it felt like a 2 1/2 hour movie. Seriously. It completely lacked any focus as it droned on...and on...and on. It actually reminded me of Chaplin in that way.

I know - I did it again. Trashed Chaplin. Please forgive.

Anyhow, I am now the proud owner of a VHS tape of Restoration. If you so desire, you may borrow it. Keep it for as long as you want. If your VCR eats the tape, no worries. I'm okay with that.

On the tape jacket, it says that Siskel and Ebert gave this "two thumbs up." They fail to mention that they are referring to Jack Siskel and Tom Ebert, the costuming guys.

I give it a 6 for being dull...long...booooorrring.

Review #56 - Luck, Trust & Ketchup: Robert Altman in Carver Country (1993)

This documentary is part of the "bonus features" from the film "Short Cuts". We reviewed "Short Cuts", a film based upon a series of short stories by Raymond Carver, a while back. We loved it, but it was waaaaaaay too long at over 3 hours.



Anyhow, my first thought about this flick was, "hey, I've read Raymond Carver...he wrote 'Catbird Seat'." And then I realized that was James Thurber. So now I can't honestly recall if I've read any Raymond Carver. Chime in, dearest reader, if you have. Did you know that Raymond Carver was a local boy? That's right, born and raised in Yakima. So now I'm obligated, as a fellow eastern Washingtonian, to read his work.



The documentary was really interesting, but don't bother watching it until you've seen Short Cuts, or it will ruin a few pivotal plot points for you. Watching filmmaking in progress is fascinating...if you've never watched one of these types of documentaries, pick out your favorite dvd and scan the Special Features section. There's probably something on it about "The Making of" whatever. If you don't think it's so fascinating....sorry.



The absolute best part was when RDJR came on for his interview and used the word "tertiary" in a sentence. I was impressed.



Anyhow, I give it a 9 because it held my attention for 90 minutes, which is no small feat, and that's also what I probably would have given Short Cuts, if it wasn't so flippin' long.