Review #58 - Danger Zone (1996)

Another VHS treat for you all, from the back of the box: "A mining engineer races to clear his name and save millions of lives in this plot-twisting action adventure! Under the specter of civil war, a small African country is plagued by a second, deadlier threat: a lost cargo of toxic waste that could decimate millions of innocent tribesmen. Only Rick Morgan (Billy Zane), an American mining expert with a haunted past knows how to locate the leaking cargo. But maverick ex-spy (Robert Downey Jr) and a US envoy (Ron Silver) each have their own vested interests in Morgan's mission. As he journeys into the heart of this politically divided DANGER ZONE, Morgan unwittingly becomes a pawn in an international game of greed and conspiracy!"

There we go again with the exclamation marks.

Well, my little chickens, let's mix it up a little tonight. Rather than our usual review - as scintillating as those are - let's list:

Life Lessons from DANGER ZONE

1. There are 3 types of people in Africa: "tribesmen", "militia", and "rebels."

2. RDJR should never, NEVER, EVER adopt a Southern accent.

3. Billy Zane looks normal without hair. With hair, he doesn't look like Billy Zane.

4. Women scientists specializing in "radioactivity" evidently don't know that drinking radioactive water is bad.

5. Women scientists must always wear chamois-colored skin-tight pants and white shirts when in Africa, and those shirts never get dirty.

6. You can get a horrible gash in your leg and still hike up a waterfall, even though you need Billy Zane to help you walk on level ground.

7. If you are an African "rebel", you can get shot with an automatic assault weapon in the upper left shoulder, and you really don't get hurt all that badly. In fact, with said wound, you can still throw large boxes filled with guns and ammunition from a moving train.

8. Conversely, if you are an African "militia", your enemy just needs to wave a gun in your general direction and you fall to the ground, instantly dead.

9. Jumping from excessively high altitudes isn't dangerous, so long as you are jumping into water.

And last, but certainly not least:

10. There's no such thing as getting your ass kicked. You just keep throwing and receiving punches until someone either gets their neck broken or falls off the train.


So, all this being said - I had no clue what this movie was about while I was watching it, and after reading the back of the box, I'm still not quite sure what happened. It's definitely a 3.