Review #43 - Hugo Pool (1997)

Here you have it from Netflix: "This bizarre cult comedy stars Alyssa Milano as Hugo, a young pool cleaner in Los Angeles. In the course of one day, Hugo cleans 44 pools, deals with eccentric and even dangerous clients, helps her parents (Cathy Moriarty and Malcolm McDowell) grow up and still finds time to fall in love - with a Hungarian film director (Patrick Dempsey) afflicted with Lou Gehrig's disease. Co-stars Robert Downey Jr., Richard Lewis and Sean Penn."

Okay, my little chickens, FIRST OF ALL - Patrick Dempsey's character DID have ALS, but he was NOT a Hungarian film director. RDJR was the Hungarian film director. I swear, Netflix - you gotta watch their every move, don't you.

SECOND OF ALL - I have learned, over the years of my intense scientific study of filmese, that "bizarre cult comedy" actually means "stupid movie".

Have you ever had a party and nobody showed up? That's how this movie feels. A comedy with no laughs. Oh, and Dempsey dies in the end. Ah, yes, tragic death - that good old dependable workhorse of the "bizarre cult comedy." So, after watching a comedy that in no way makes you laugh, you get to see a dead guy. Priceless.

I'm guessing that this review qualifies me for the "unfeeling witch" award, because it was written by Robert Downey Sr. and his wife Laura, who also died from ALS. Okay, that makes me feel more than a little bad-but not so bad as to upgrade this film from "stinkbomb" to "quirky".

I never, ever, ever, EVER thought these words would come out of my mouth - but THANK G*D for Sean Penn. He was a bright spot in a dark and dreary night. Our hero's "accent" was so intentionally muddled as to render his scenes, well, head-scratching.

I don't know what could have redeemed this film, apart from an entirely new script. Alyssa Milano was completely out of her league. When your main character is totally forgettable, you know you are in trouble.

Do I have to give it a number? Well, I guess I do. It's a 2.