Denverosity

So, I've taken my third-born child off to college. I now have 1 left at home. There is a plethora of blog posts here.

My first inclination was to write a self-pitying post about leaving my child at college, watching all the other COUPLES doing the same with their own kids, and realizing that I was, yet again, ALONE at a traumatic moment in my life, sans a soul mate. But I figure you aren't in the mood for a downer.

So I've decided to write about the plane trip. You know that's going to be good.

After arriving at Denver International Airport at 12:45 for my 5:55 flight (I had no choice about said early arrival), I proceeded directly to Ms. Ticket Agent. I did this on the slim chance that I could actually get out of Denver on an earlier flight. Han Solo navigating an asteroid field...those kind of odds.

I asked Ms. Ticket Agent if she could bump me up. Turns out that Frontier flies to Spokane two times a day, and I'd already missed the 1st flight - so 5:55 was my only opportunity to leave the Mile-High City that day. Ms. Ticket Agent also found it humorous that I might believe Frontier would go to a place like Spokane more than twice per day. I am glad to have afforded the opportunity for a nice chuckle to Ms. Ticket Agent. You're welcome, Ms. Ticket Agent.

So, I settled in for the duration. I ate at McDonald's. I read. I walked around. I ate ice cream. I read some more. The afternoon actually wasn't so terribly bad. If I would have had a recliner at my disposal, it actually would have been a pleasant experience.

Then boarding time came. I was in the back of the plane, which always sucks because they haul that drink cart all the way up to the front, and you get your Pepsi last. Anyway, there was one open row behind me. In walks Luis, who looked about 4; Abril, who looked about 2; a little baby, and a young mom with a lot of makeup on. How do I know their names, you ask? Just wait.

For your review...please find below....

What Tina learned from Frontier Airlines flight, Denver to Spokane, 9/4/2010

1. When you see a young mother with 3 kids, who is wearing lots of makeup and really impractical shoes - this is a tip-off that things are not going to go well on your flight. A young mother who takes the time to get all dolled up to fly with 3 little kids puts a lot of value on her own comfort. This is not good. Instead, she should be wearing a formula-vomit-covered t-shirt with Nilla wafer clots stuck to the front, a pair of 3-year-old Nikes, and jeans from Penneys. She should be wearing absolutely no makeup. She, in fact, should look like she's been drug behind the stagecoach from Walnut Grove to Sleepy Eye. THAT'S the mom that keeps her kids quiet.

2. On "I Love Lucy", when Ricky would tell Lucy that she couldn't be in da show, Lucy would let out with a 3-second wail, "WAAAAAAAAHHH." We would laugh. Funny Lucy. However, if the show opened each week with Ricky telling Lucy that she couldn't be in da show, and then she spent 24 minutes wailing, "WAAAAAAAAHHHHHH," it would not be funny.

3. Abril sounds just like Lucy when she wants to.

4. Abril is not adjusting well to no longer being the "baby of the family" and takes every opportunity to show said maladjustment. The atrocities which cause Abril to wail include: sitting down, being quiet for more than 3 seconds, wearing her seat belt and taking in oxygen.

5. Luis knows 2 words. They are both in Spanish. He says only the following: MAMA! MAMA MIRA! MAMA MIRA! MIRA! MIRA! MAMA MIRA! MIRA MIRA MIRA!" He also lacks volume control with his two words. My 3 years of high school Spanish remind me that Luis is trying to get Mama to look at something. Anything. Look Mama - a cloud! Look Mama - a magazine in the back of the seat! Look Mama - Abril's head is spinning around!

6. When a 4-year old keeps grabbing your seat back, flick his pudgy little germ-infested hand with your thumb and forefinger and he will stop. Just don't let anyone see you, or you will get a reputation as "the mean lady sitting in front of Luis."

7. Almost as annoying as the 2 hours of Lucy-wail was the 2 hours of Mother braying, "Ah-BREEL! Ah-BREEL! Ah-BREEL!" There were a few other words, but they were in Spanish and I don't recall what they were, because she was talking too fast. Evidently they were too much for Abril too, because the words seemed to have no measured affect on anyone.

8. Vin Diesel has a black doppelganger who sat in my row. Well, "doppelganger" may be a stretch. He shaved his head and sounded like Vin. Other than that he was a doink.

9. Abril's mom has an impaired sense of smell which prevents her from changing diapers in a timely fashion, even though the source of the odor is strapped to her chest, squirming and wailing.

10. I'd gladly sit through another 5 hours at the airport, rather than 5 more minutes with Abril.

Thus endeth the flight. I eventually made it home without hitting a deer, Luis, or Abril. It was a good trip for all.